Co-Dependency as an addiction

[Rinaldo]

I'm not really sure what I want to say on this issue from the get go. But I was hoping to start an active thread dealing with Co-Dependency in relationships, as learned behavior of abuse, and as an overall social sickness in our everyday society.

I am fighting Co-Dependency as an addiction (it feels much like alcohol) and as a learned behavioral pattern due to a long history of sexaul abuse.

Until recently I had NO idea how intertwined it has become in my life and how many people in my life are dependents. I am pushing through my life right now breaking patterns, recognizing them and trying very hard to find a healthier emotional structure to the seemingly unending chaos that I have lived in for so long.

I would like to one day call myself a recovering chaotic.

Rinaldo

[CalifBadBoy03]

Rinaldo...I dont have co dependency issues but I do have other addiction issues which I am/have been recovering from....

However, I have known others that are addicted to co dependency.....so much so that they have completely lost their own identities--sad but true..It does happen....Unfortunately some just dont see it....
You have become aware of your addiction to the dependency...thats a great step in the right direction....

I basically wanted to say that I think this is a great thread idea and I wish you the very best......

[Rinaldo]

I’ve been thinking a lot. About so many things at times it’s hard to calm the tides of it all. Mostly I think about how I got here. Who I am, and what the image in the mirror means to me. After all, it’s just an image. Does our physical form really represent a soul based being? It must, because sometimes what I see in the mirror is strangely attractive and many times I find myself less than acceptable. Acceptable to what you ask? I guess I have this idea of what I’m suppose to look like in relation to who I am burned into my since of being. I don’t always fit into that box. It is a box. Or is it? Again, here I go separating myself into pieces. I think the dissociation plagues me more than anything else does. The depression has long passed the phase of being crippling. I have actually over the years found a way to exist fairly well. Exit fairly well. Or have I? I’m full of questions. I’m full of reasons. I am full of theories and explanations. None of it has ever gotten me anywhere. It must be how the scientific community felt about E=MC squared. Sure, great theory there Einstein. I can’t see it, so I can’t agree with you just yet. Then, the birth of the atomic bomb came and everyone got it. So, do I explode? Does slicing my flesh open and bleeding out make me believable? I feel pain, but it doesn’t feel real. If I cut myself, a painful thing, all while I’m feeling pain then it must relate. Does it relate? If I stabbed myself in the heart maybe I would understand better that what wells inside. The truth of it, the cutting, the opening of my skin in a clean sweep does not hurt, it does not pain me, it brings relief. The pain inside has a way out and drips around in streams until it hits the ground and finds itself home. Grounded. Grounded, I am not. I am standing over the cliff, wind burning, and facing everything I know in my life. Looking down all I see is relief. Looking up all I see is relief. Continuing to stand in place, is a choice to stand in my terror that much longer. If you can imagine, my arms out, eyes closed, leaning forward, I fall. Falling into the brink of what I cannot see. Riding on faith, a faith buried so deep beneath my skin my body is finally rejecting it. Covered in faith, I fall into the known. Unknowingly embracing every crossroad. It is the bravest thing I know to do. Fall, unconditionally. Fall, without knowing the answers. Fall, believing I can.

[sullengirl]

I just wanted to tell you i was dealing with a serious codependent problem a few months ago and opened a thread. The responses were so helpful and informative that it totally changed my life.

There are great links, advice and encouragement posts there:

http://www.butch-femme.com/portal/fo...t&pagenumber=1

recovering codependent
sullengirl

[sullengirl]

because of your last post, I thought you might want to read this thread as well.

http://www.butch-femme.com/portal/fo...hlight=cutters

its about addictions and dependencies, some of which (mine at least) discuss cutting, which you mentioned above ^^

hope this is helpful for you.
Sullengirl

[kndheart]

I am hoping to renew this thread, mostly for my own benefit. I am a recovering co-dependent with almost four months in the program. I am looking for others who struggle with these issues to open up a dialog about how to live with indulging in our addictions.

Please start by introducing yourself and telling about your journey to recovery. Also share how long you have been in recovery and how your recovery is progressing. In this way, I hope we can support each other in this sometimes difficult journey. Thanks~kndheart

[kndheart]

For those who wonder.............

What is co-dependency?
"Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed - some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that codependence is a most deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems. We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.

We attempted to use others - our mates, friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our codependence." Coda Welcome

Am I codependent?
It may be helpful to ask yourself if any of the following apply to you and your relationships.

Denial Patterns:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
* I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.


Low Self Esteem Patterns:

* I have difficulty making decisions.
* I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
* I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.


Compliance Patterns:

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
* I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
* I accept sex when I want love.


Control Patterns:

* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
* I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
(Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence from CoDA)

[kndheart]

Hi My name is Virginia and I am a recovering codependent.

I was raised by two alcoholic parents. My role in our family was the scapegoat. When ever anything went wrong, I was blamed, shamed and usually beaten. The physical abuse was devasting but the mentally cruelty I suffered went way beyond that. I began having panic attacks in the 7th grade. By the time I graduated from high school, I was on my own, but that did not stop the abuse or the consequences of it. I was living in my first apartment when I began to have auditory halucinations. I would hear my father yelling at me even though he was hundreds of miles away. I began seeing my first therapist and these frightening episodes soon passed.

Over the next decade, I drank too much, married and divorced a man who abused me as badly if not worse than my father had, and had two children. I battled the depression and began having Post-Tramatic Stress episodes characterized by irrational fear, violence and black-outs. My relationships were repetitions of my family dynamics with me taking all the blame/shame for anything that went wrong. I jumped into a new marriage hoping that would give me the inner peace I was seeking. I stuck this one out for 18 years, added two more kids to the family, and although there was no physical abuse, the dynamics of the relationship didn't change and the mental abuse continued. Finally, after the kids were grown, I left and began to try to find out what was wrong and how I could fix it.

I started dating women again (I had dated several in high school and college), thinking that perhaps my only issue was not being true to my sexuality. But after several terrible experiences, I was more depressed and suicidal than ever before. I ended up in a psych ward for two weeks this past November with no family, no job, no real relationship with myself or anyone else.

It was there that I finally came to terms with my copedendency. I had lived all my life as a victim to my perception that other people's opinions matter more than my own; that my role was to be the "whipping boy" for other peoples anger and frustration; that I could not be in charge of my own life and destiny. And so I began the slow road back to myself.

In the few months I have been in Coda, I have overcome many of the roadblocks that kept me in unhealthy relationships with myself and others. I hope that here, I will find a place to share these joys and struggles with others who understand.~kndheart

[kndheart]

Good Morning.

One of my most difficult struggles to date has been that I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others and that is what I want other people to think that of me as well. But deep inside, some quiet still voice is telling me that I need to look after my own interests. I have tried very hard to silence this voice!

I think, "What will the people in my life think about me if I say, 'I really would like to take care of you, but today I am just too tired or too sad or too busy with my own life'? My fear says that they will hate me. But why do I think that way? I think that it must come from my childhood experiences of abuse. When I needed my parents to be patient with my adolescent struggles, they beat me for making their life difficult.

I think that answer lies in "reparenting" myself, honoring that broken child deep inside me with time, attention and love. The result might be that some people in my life pull away or tell me that I am being selfish. But I have to believe that those who truly love me will be patient while I learn to let go of that need to be perfect and accept that I am not Mother Theresa!

What if I am not "the nicest person in the world"? Maybe it is ok just to be me. A sometimes helpful, sometimes needy person who is honest with the people who care about me. Just for today~Virginia

[kndheart]

Good morning, everybody.

The struggle continues, but while there is life, there is hope.

I am struggling this morning with getting into work. My boss was not very happy with me yesterday, so I want to call in sick and stay in bed and hide from the world. This has gotten me in trouble in the past. So this is the question......

Yes, I have had a hell of a week in my personal life. My roomate, teddybearbutch on this site, was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a radical hysterectomy on Monday. It was a huge scare, but it appears that they caught it in time and she will not need radiation or chemo. I am exhausted from worry. So do I stay home and take care of myself or tough it out one more day? Which is healthier?

I just do not know. Even the question is confusing for me. Self? Who is that?
Is that me or all the roles I play in my life? Care? Does that mean taking care of business or resting when I feel overwhelmed?

I guess in each situation there can be a different answer. Meditation helps me to sort out the healthy thinking from the sick thinking. The first three steps of CoDA remain my guide....Step One- I can't...........Step Two- My Higher Power can......... Step Three- I think I will let Him/Her.

Blessings to all who read this today and recognize in these feeble writings their own personal struggle. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers for healing and strength to face whatever your Higher Power brings into your life today. You are not alone. So, just for today, have hope and do not quit five minutes before your miracle happens. It might be just around the corner.~kndheart

[ReddingCalGal]

Congratulations. I have been in CoDA for 11 months and Al-Anon before that off and on for about 10 years. My life has changed dramatically for the better since I found program and I will be forever grateful.

Thank you for reviving this thread. Looking forward to CoDA sharing of experience, strength and hope.

I will return and post my story soon.

Andrea

[ReddingCalGal]

My story:

Over 10 years ago my best friend recommended I check out Al-Anon. I did and found much to help me live with my addiction to relationships with active alcoholics and drug abusers. However, it did nothing to help me live with myself. As still another relationship was failing, I realized the common denominator in all of them was me and that just maybe I needed to deal with some other issues. I had heard about CoDA in Al-Anon meetings and decided to check it out.

I have been in CoDA for 11 months now and my life has changed dramatically. Who knew life could be fun instead of something to get through? I am living alone for the first time in my life and I am comfortable being single. I not only changed jobs but professions, and I enjoy going to work (most days-LOL).

One of the things I cherish most from the program is the friends I have made. It is such a pleasure to have friends that understand program and respect their own and my boundaries.

kndheart, thank you for opening up this thread. It is wonderful to have a place here to share my experience, strength and hope.

Thank you CoDA for all the blessings you have helped me to see.

Andrea

[kndheart]

Hey ReddingCalGal!

Thank you so much for posting your story. And congratulations on 11 months of sobriety.

I had a two hour talk with my ex last night and I was amazed that I got through it without a panic attack or needing to take any extra meds. Quite a break-through for me.

I was able to listen my ex's opinions and know that they were just that, HIS opinions. I now realize that his opinions can tell me something about him, but NOTHING about me. As far as whether I am living right or working my program, the only opinion that truly matters is MINE.

So today I am grateful to my Higher Power for my growth and recovery; and finally understanding those two little words: LET GO. ~kndheart

[henbane]

My story:

My father was killed when I was an infant. When I was five my Mother began a relationship with a butch. That lasted until I was about seven. I came home from school one day and the butch, the only 'father figure' I'd ever experienced was gone. I found out a few years ago that the Grandmother contacted child services and I was going to be removed from my Mother's custody if she didn't end the relationship. Those were the healthiest two years of my life.

We then moved to the Grandmother's house. When I was eight my Mother married the Step Father. He turned out to be an alcoholic. So was his entire family. I spent nine years in hell. Absolute hell. I didn't dare bring friends home because I never knew if he was going to be drunk - and if he was what kind of drunk he would be. Sometimes he was a nice and happy drunk. Most times he wasn't. I learned to make excuses for the Step Father and his relatives. I don't know how many times I told myself "he was just drunk, he didn't mean ____". Fill in the blank. I heard it all. Nobody ever called the police when there was a "commotion" at our house. Things like that don't happen in good neighborhoods, right?

Then the Step Father's sister joined AA. The kids were sent to Alateen, the wives went to Alanon and the husbands kept drinking. One night when I was 18 the Step Father said something particularly mean to me and for some reason I mouthed off to him. He slapped me and I hit him back. He proceeded to choke me. The only thing on him that I could reach were his 'parts'. I dug my nails in and twisted them and he let go of me. I hit him in the head with a metal thermos. The next day my Mother found the courage to leave him.

They were out of our lives but the ways of thinking and methods of coping - or NOT coping - with problems or stress were still there. I felt like I was nothing. I couldn't understand why people liked me. I was shocked when a girl I'd been friends with wanted to start dating me. I was an easy target for her. As horribly as she treated me, I enabled it because that's what a relationship looked like to me. That's all I'd ever experienced. Most of my formative years were spent making excuses, accepting responsibility for someone else's anger and rage, trying to 'keep the peace' no matter what the cost. My then girlfriend would beat me and I would apologize to her for 'whatever I did' while she was doing it. I let it happen time after time. I finally ended our relationship. She almost killed me that night.

I dropped out of college in 1995 due to depression and panic attacks. I tried for several years to go back but always ended up dropping the classes I'd enrolled in. I only recently began taking medication for the depression and it's helping so far. I never really thought of myself as co dependant. Most of the 'co dependency indicators' listed above applied to me. I have no idea how to fix that. Let go and let God, right?


~Abby~

[ReddingCalGal]

My story:

My father was killed when I was an infant. When I was five my Mother began a relationship with a butch. That lasted until I was about seven. I came home from school one day and the butch, the only 'father figure' I'd ever experienced was gone. I found out a few years ago that the Grandmother contacted child services and I was going to be removed from my Mother's custody if she didn't end the relationship. Those were the healthiest two years of my life.

We then moved to the Grandmother's house. When I was eight my Mother married the Step Father. He turned out to be an alcoholic. So was his entire family. I spent nine years in hell. Absolute hell. I didn't dare bring friends home because I never knew if he was going to be drunk - and if he was what kind of drunk he would be. Sometimes he was a nice and happy drunk. Most times he wasn't. I learned to make excuses for the Step Father and his relatives. I don't know how many times I told myself "he was just drunk, he didn't mean ____". Fill in the blank. I heard it all. Nobody ever called the police when there was a "commotion" at our house. Things like that don't happen in good neighborhoods, right?

Then the Step Father's sister joined AA. The kids were sent to Alateen, the wives went to Alanon and the husbands kept drinking. One night when I was 18 the Step Father said something particularly mean to me and for some reason I mouthed off to him. He slapped me and I hit him back. He proceeded to choke me. The only thing on him that I could reach were his 'parts'. I dug my nails in and twisted them and he let go of me. I hit him in the head with a metal thermos. The next day my Mother found the courage to leave him.

They were out of our lives but the ways of thinking and methods of coping - or NOT coping - with problems or stress were still there. I felt like I was nothing. I couldn't understand why people liked me. I was shocked when a girl I'd been friends with wanted to start dating me. I was an easy target for her. As horribly as she treated me, I enabled it because that's what a relationship looked like to me. That's all I'd ever experienced. Most of my formative years were spent making excuses, accepting responsibility for someone else's anger and rage, trying to 'keep the peace' no matter what the cost. My then girlfriend would beat me and I would apologize to her for 'whatever I did' while she was doing it. I let it happen time after time. I finally ended our relationship. She almost killed me that night.

I dropped out of college in 1995 due to depression and panic attacks. I tried for several years to go back but always ended up dropping the classes I'd enrolled in. I only recently began taking medication for the depression and it's helping so far. I never really thought of myself as co dependant. Most of the 'co dependency indicators' listed above applied to me. I have no idea how to fix that. Let go and let God, right?


~Abby~

What a familiar story. It is similiar to mine, and many CoDA members. One of the readings done at the meetings speaks of being raised in families with addictions. I am certain I learned my co-dependency from my mother and can see it in my siblings, as well.

It was such a relief when I finally understood, and was able to, let go and let god. But that is only part of the healing. I get so much out of the CoDA meetings I attend. There is something about being with people that have been in the same emotional space as I am or have been in. There is a comfort. And it is a place I can share my experience, strength and hope and know that others 'get it'.

I wish you well in your journey and remember progress not perfection.

Andrea

[ReddingCalGal]

Hey ReddingCalGal!

Thank you so much for posting your story. And congratulations on 11 months of sobriety.

I had a two hour talk with my ex last night and I was amazed that I got through it without a panic attack or needing to take any extra meds. Quite a break-through for me.

I was able to listen my ex's opinions and know that they were just that, HIS opinions. I now realize that his opinions can tell me something about him, but NOTHING about me. As far as whether I am living right or working my program, the only opinion that truly matters is MINE.

So today I am grateful to my Higher Power for my growth and recovery; and finally understanding those two little words: LET GO. ~kndheart

Congratulations to you. Very big to be able to face someone that had so much control in your life (I am assuming based on my previous relationship) and walk away in one piece. After a similiar situation I experienced, I had to shake my head and wonder what it had been about that person that I was so attracted to, so scared of. Yes, she has a right to her opinions but it is my choice to accept them or not.

Today, and every day, I am grateful for the emotional healing I have experienced due to CoDA and my HP.

Andrea

[henbane]

Thank you for your kind words Redding.

Things have been rather buggy for me lately. I think maybe I can make them better now. Or, make *me* better now.

I feel relieved since posting the stuff about my childhood. I've never really shared that with anyone. Bits and pieces, maybe but never as much what I wrote earlier.

Thanks again.


~abby~

[kndheart]

((((((((henbane)))))))))))

I totally agree with ReddingCalGal when she said that yours is a familiar story. I also understand what you mean by feeling relief at just writing it down. As codependents, we tend to minimize the horror of our childhood and past relationships. Sometimes I think we must be the strongest people in the world to have survived our lives.

Each day I hold on to the promises of recovery. I have seen them come true in my life and the lives of fellow "relationship addicts" in Coda. These are the promises.

The Twelve Promises
of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions...
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.
(copied from the Coda website)

So, hold onto these promises when recovery gets difficult and seems all uphill. There is a breakthrough just around the corner.~kndheart

[kndheart]

Hey ReddingCalGal,

I just wanted to add that I appreciate your words and support. Yes, he did have alot of control over my life, too much control, control that I gave him. But I am getting stronger everyday and he is still stuck in his behaviors. I can say that I feel very sorry for him. But to "let go" means that I can let him learn the lessons his Higher Power has for him. His problems are not MY problems or my FAULT anymore. I know you can understand how good that feels.

Again, thank you: for being here, for your experience, strength and hope, and your wisdom. You bring alot to this thread. ~kndheart

[henbane]

Thanks for posting the 12 steps kndheart.

Isn't it odd that a person can recognize something in others and not see it in themselves? I've done so much reading over the years about co dependency. I never for one second thought of myself as having those habits. Maybe the meds I'm now on allows me to see things about myself for what they are. I don't know. I know that I already feel much calmer in stressful situations. I don't panic as much. I seem to be more accepting of whatever happens - even if it's not how I want things.

I don't think I was ever addicted to being in a relationship. I never felt hopeless without the person. I was glad that it was over when my past relationships ended.

I'm happy that I found this thread. It's been very helpful.


~abby~

[kndheart]

Hi henbane.

IMHO, It is not uncommon for someone not to recognize their need for recovery. I was in Al-Anon for 10 years and never realized that I had a severe addiction to other people's approval. I have also been in counciling, on and off, since I was 17 and was never told by any of my therapists that I needed Coda. True, I am 45 and alot has changed in the mental health community since then; better drugs and more understanding of how codendency works. Not that the therapy I did receive was bad. It enabled me to raise 4 mentally healthy kids who are now grown and living productive lives. It just didn't go far enough.

I agree with you that the drugs really help. I hate taking them but they make me able to face my fears without fighting the panic at the same time. You wrote, "I seem to be more accepting of whatever happens - even if it's not how I want things. " In the CoDA literature, it says, " To let go is not to try to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment." So it seems like you are doing that.

Do you have a CoDA meeting near you and are you attending? I can only echo ReddingCalGal in saying that the meetings are very helpful especially in building a community of supportive friends who "get it". I am also incredibly grateful for you and ReddingCalGal for your support here. I do not have a homosexual CoDA meeting near me and although I am "out" to my CoDA support group, it is important to me to be able to have CoDA friends who are also lesbians.


Well, TGIF, ladies! I hope you have a wonderful weekend. CHERISH today, HOPE for tomorrow. Take good care of you.~kndheart

[ReddingCalGal]

Good morning and Happy Earth Day.

I am struggling with serenity today. I received yet another email from my best friend of almost 20 years, cutting off our friendship. This has happened two other times in less than a year. While I understand that she is not currently in program, and has many issues that she is dealing with (and that I can not control or even make it better for her) I am hurting. I don't know if the hurt stems from what she accuses me of doing as her reason for removing herself from my life, if the hurt is from losing her or if it is the back and forth that hurts. I only know that I have no control of anything other than how I react. I am feeling my feelings, acknowledging my feelings and letting go.

Okay, so I haven't gotten to the letting go part yet but I will. LOL And I will share this with my sponsor and other program people. That will help take the sting out of it and help me to remember her behavior is really not about me. It is about her.

My favorite Al-anon meeting in Phoenix, before I moved here, was a gay/lesbian group. But here in Way North California, and the redneck town of Redding, there aren't any gay/lesbian CoDA groups. Not that there has ever been a problem. I have found CoDA people, and other program people, to be very accepting of all types.

I am blessed to have the tools to deal with uncomfortable things that come up in my life now. I learned the tools in CoDA.

Recently I heard "God, help me want the things I get." I may have that wrong but hopefully, you will understand.

Andrea

[henbane]

Hi there kndheart & Andrea. I hope you both are having a happy Earth Day!

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your friend, Andrea. I hope that things get easier to deal with soon. It's so hard to face losing a relationship that you thought was carved in granite. When you thought that it had a strong foundation, you know? You grieve for it as if someone died or something. Or I do anyhow. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

I don't know if there are any meetings in my area, kndheart. I know that my church has GLBT AA meetings. I should check with them about that. Maybe listening to other people would prove to be helpful.

I have mixed feelings about the medication. I know that I'm beginning to feel better. A lot better. I actually feel like getting out of bed and leaving the house. Still, I'm embarrassed to be taking it.


~abby~

[ReddingCalGal]

Hi there kndheart & Andrea. I hope you both are having a happy Earth Day!

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your friend, Andrea. I hope that things get easier to deal with soon. It's so hard to face losing a relationship that you thought was carved in granite. When you thought that it had a strong foundation, you know? You grieve for it as if someone died or something. Or I do anyhow. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

I don't know if there are any meetings in my area, kndheart. I know that my church has GLBT AA meetings. I should check with them about that. Maybe listening to other people would prove to be helpful.

I have mixed feelings about the medication. I know that I'm beginning to feel better. A lot better. I actually feel like getting out of bed and leaving the house. Still, I'm embarrassed to be taking it.


~abby~

Thank you for your words. Yes, I am grieving but I know it is not the end of everything so will feel better in time.

Please rethink your embarrassment about being on medication. Would you be embarrassed to take insulin if you had diabetes? Would you be embarrassed to use a hammer to hang a picture? Think of it as a tool to be healthier. Use the tools you have to make life better now.

Andrea

[kndheart]

(((((((((ReddingCalGal)))))))))))

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for peace and understanding. I can sooooo relate to the "sting". I have often said that I feel like I "have no skin on". It is like I have a hard time "filtering out" input from others. Everything gets in and everything hurts.

No matter what you did or did not do, a true friend would not turn her back on you, but instead would find a way to understand, forgive, and start again. I hope you are finding a way to be that kind of friend to yourself.

((((((((henbane))))))))

I understand feeling "wrong" about taking meds. I struggle with it, too. But ReddingCalGal is right. We need to understand that our brains don't produce the necessary chemicals in the appropriate amounts. That is not a weakness, it is a medical fact.

Without meds, I also find myself "trapped" in the house and so panicky I can't even watch the news. That is CERTAINLY no way to live. So I take them and thank God that I have many choices about what kind I am taking and that they have very few side-effects. When I was 13 and started having panic attacks, I was put on a strong sedative (the only thing that was available at the time). These meds are not only much more effective but interfere with my life a lot less.

I think that the issue with taking meds for me is that I am not perfect. I believe that I have to be perfect in order to be worthy of love and consideration. To let go of these ideas, I make an effort each day to recognize my imperfections and embrace them. I can love these things about myself because they make me who I am. I don't expect perfection from my friends and THEY don't really expect perfection from me. My sick thinking that the people who truly love me will turn away from me if they see my imperfections actually serves to distance myself from them, which is exactly what I do not want. But to be truly intimate with someone you have to let down your guard and trust. And I don't mean trusting someone who is untrustworthy but those who have proven time and again that they will be there for me. Does this make sense?

Well ladies thank you for being there. I am getting so much from this thread and I appreciate your time and consideration. Have a great weekend~Virginia

[babyangeleyez]

Thanks for sharing this. I never thought about this before, but after reading the patterns, I suffer from a few of them. I have some issues that I need and should work out in my life. Thanks for sharing.

For those who wonder.............

What is co-dependency?
"Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed - some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that codependence is a most deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems. We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.

We attempted to use others - our mates, friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our codependence." Coda Welcome

Am I codependent?
It may be helpful to ask yourself if any of the following apply to you and your relationships.

Denial Patterns:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
* I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.


Low Self Esteem Patterns:

* I have difficulty making decisions.
* I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
* I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.


Compliance Patterns:

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
* I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
* I accept sex when I want love.


Control Patterns:

* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
* I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
(Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence from CoDA)

[kndheart]

Hey babyangeleyez.

You are quite welcome. I am glad you found them helpful.


Please consider this "group" as a safe place to share you struggles. If you feel uncomfortable sharing in a public forum, please feel free to PM me. Sometimes it just feels better when you share your struggle with someone who understands where you are.

Recognizing that you have a problem is the First Step. " We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanigable."

Powerlessness means that our self-control will not be enough. We will need help to overcome these distructive thoughts and behaviors. The help that we need comes from our "Higher Power". For some, that Higher Power is God. For others, it is the group. For another, it might be nature. Our Higher Power meets us where we are and takes us on a beautiful, and sometimes difficult, journey: A Journey toward Wholeness. A journey that begins with the First Step.

So I invite you to journey with us toward our individual goals. You have already taken the first step.~Virginia

[ReddingCalGal]

Today I am reminded of the line in a welcome read at our CoDA meetings here. 'We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life."

My life used to be so lonely and isolated. I was miserable. Today I have friends, many in CoDA and other 12 step programs, and am very active. I used to live in the future, waiting for the end of the day, or the start of the day, etc. I now live in this moment and love it. I keep thinking that I had no idea life could be this good. I am no longer drowning in life's pool. I am laughing and splashing and enjoying the swim.

I will celebrate my first year in CoDA in about two weeks. I plan to attend two, maybe three, meetings and receive my 1 year chip, as well as hugs from all those that care about me. It is a wonderful feeling to share the triumphs with those that have been there for the hardships as well.

Like kndheart, I am available through PMs if anyone has questions about CoDA. Or you can read more about CoDA at www.coda.org

Andrea

[kndheart]

Dear Redding,

I am sorry I haven't responded to your post. I am so glad that you are feeling so centered. I can't tell you how happy I am for you.

I have been struggling for the last two days. I know that it is "one step forward two steps back" sometimes, but I HATE IT when I get in this space where I am so damned scared. Anxiety and depression, my constant companions throughout my life, are hanging around outside my door, waiting for me to let down my guard so that they can come in, sit down and have a conversation with me about why I don't deserve to live. I just want to hide in my bed with the covers over my head and hope that they will just go away.

But we know that they won't, don't we. I have to get up, get dressed and battle them by going to work, going to meetings, calling a friend, praying and letting go. But it is soooo hard sometimes.

Thank youu again for your uplifting post. Just for today I will do battle again. I can always chose to go back to my old behaviors tomorrow. ~kndheart

[ReddingCalGal]

Dear Redding,

I am sorry I haven't responded to your post. I am so glad that you are feeling so centered. I can't tell you how happy I am for you.

I have been struggling for the last two days. I know that it is "one step forward two steps back" sometimes, but I HATE IT when I get in this space where I am so damned scared. Anxiety and depression, my constant companions throughout my life, are hanging around outside my door, waiting for me to let down my guard so that they can come in, sit down and have a conversation with me about why I don't deserve to live. I just want to hide in my bed with the covers over my head and hope that they will just go away.

But we know that they won't, don't we. I have to get up, get dressed and battle them by going to work, going to meetings, calling a friend, praying and letting go. But it is soooo hard sometimes.

Thank youu again for your uplifting post. Just for today I will do battle again. I can always chose to go back to my old behaviors tomorrow. ~kndheart

(((((((kndheart))))))))

I am sorry you are having a rough time. It sounds like you are going through the healthy steps and I know they will help.

I don't know your situation but I know that I ALWAYS feel better when I do a gratitude list and the one I love the most is the alphabet one. I find something in my life that I am grateful for that begins with A, then B, and so on. Not only does it fill my heart with all the blessings I have but the challenge of finding the thing that fits is distracting and helps my mind pull away for the endless negative chatter.

Last night I stepped through a fear that was non-productive to me, but I did it in my time and with a safety net. First and foremost, I took care of me. I allowed myself to feel the fear, acknowledged the fear and, knowing I wanted to get beyond it, I took the step. My higher power was holding my hand so I was not alone.

I am excited about living today.

Andrea

[kndheart]

Way to go, Redding! You can be so proud of yourself! It is a difficult journey but you seem to have found the strength to keep moving forward.

I am doing much better this afternoon. I did the hard stuff and, once again, it worked. I got up and went to work, called a friend, and kept praying for peace with where my Higher Power has me today. One day at a time, right?

I will take your advice and work on that gratitude list. It sounds like a hurdle right now, but I think it is really an opportunity in disguise.

Thank you for your response and helpful words. Take good care of yourself~Virginia

[ReddingCalGal]

Last night was a perfect example of how I am still not 'cured'. LOL I had an opportunity to go to a dance. I love to dance. My friend/boss was to call before he went to the dance so that I could meet him but we got our wires crossed (read: I screwed up LOL) so I headed to the dance by myself.

I couldn't do it. Even knowing he was there and would be expecting me, I couldn't walk in the door by myself. This is old pattern stuff. Needing someone to take care of me. And yet only a week before I walked into a similiar situation without anyone and did not experience any fear.

So today I chuckle at myself and remember progress, not perfection. I was able to walk into a new place last week and I will do it again. But darn it! I wanted to dance. LOL However, the dance happens every Friday so I do have another opportunity.

Thank you for letting me share here as I will be missing my CoDA meeting again today.

Andrea

[kndheart]

Dear ReddingCalGal,

Hurray for your great attitude! I am sure I would have been devastated. I am still dealing with the perfectionism. Way to go, girl!

I guess all my struggles last week really were worth it because I had two major breakthroughs in couseling this Friday.

I realized that I am projecting my relationship with my father on my boss at work and that is why I am having such a difficult time dealing with her.

And I realized that I was ready to accept nuturing from my partner but that I was very frightened of crossing into that space. My counselor helped me see that these issues were causing the anxiety and externalizing it has helped so much.

It has taken my partner a year of being rebuffed when she tries to nurture me to finally bring me to a place of trusting her enough to accept it. Now that is real love and compassion. She accepts me where I am and how I am, even when how I am is crazy! I am very lucky to have her in my life.

Take good care of yourself and keep up the good work. I will talk to you soon~Virginia

[ReddingCalGal]

Dear ReddingCalGal,

Hurray for your great attitude! I am sure I would have been devastated. I am still dealing with the perfectionism. Way to go, girl!

I guess all my struggles last week really were worth it because I had two major breakthroughs in couseling this Friday.

I realized that I am projecting my relationship with my father on my boss at work and that is why I am having such a difficult time dealing with her.

And I realized that I was ready to accept nuturing from my partner but that I was very frightened of crossing into that space. My counselor helped me see that these issues were causing the anxiety and externalizing it has helped so much.

It has taken my partner a year of being rebuffed when she tries to nurture me to finally bring me to a place of trusting her enough to accept it. Now that is real love and compassion. She accepts me where I am and how I am, even when how I am is crazy! I am very lucky to have her in my life.

Take good care of yourself and keep up the good work. I will talk to you soon~Virginia

Good for you regarding the break throughs. I have seen it, and felt it, time and again that it hurts just before there is a discovery. Personally, I have found that it helps to see that pattern and tell myself when going through an emotionally tough time that it will pass and when it does there will be a greater understanding. Course, there are those times that no amount of telling myself this makes it better. LOL

There are so many things I am grateful to CoDA for but today, as many days, I am grateful for the ability to see my growth. Sometimes it is only that I can now see and acknowledge when I am hurting. For the majority of my life I could not even admit I hurt. Now, thanks to CoDA and the healing I have done, I can see the hurting. I may not know where the hurting stems from but I no longer stuff it or ignore it.

I am far from healed as noted in my post yesterday but I celebrate my growth every day. A sort of patting myself on my back for the work I have done.

Have a wonderful day.

Andrea

[kndheart]

Dear Redding,

Thank you for all your encouragment! I really appreciate your heart. The best thing about you is your realistic approach to recovery. So here is another pat on the back from me!

Unfortunately, I need to take our conversations private. Someone has been reading my posts and tried to use them against me. It didn't work because I don't value this person's opinion, but I also need to protect myself from the drama. I had hoped that other's would read our words and be encouraged by them, but my own recovery has to come first. Please pm me and I will give you my email address.

[ReddingCalGal]

Recently there have been several occassions that drama has attempted to present itself in my life. However, CoDA has helped me to see that I do not need to accept drama in my life. In fact, drama is such a negative emotion that it is energy draining. This is not to say that I don't have issues. Heck, life has issues and I live life. It is all in how I look at it.

When a problem arises, such as the antenna being broken on my car, I am now able to let it go instead of dwelling on it, being a victim, etc. I try to find something positive. In this case, I might meet a mechanically inclined butch when I take it in to be replaced. Or now I may actually listen to the CDs I own.

It is all about the angles we look at things and CoDA has shown me there are many different angles.

Stay drama-less. Use that energy to have fun.

Andrea

[KissThisFem]

Today I am reminded of the line in a welcome read at our CoDA meetings here. 'We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life."

My life used to be so lonely and isolated. I was miserable. Today I have friends, many in CoDA and other 12 step programs, and am very active. I used to live in the future, waiting for the end of the day, or the start of the day, etc. I now live in this moment and love it. I keep thinking that I had no idea life could be this good. I am no longer drowning in life's pool. I am laughing and splashing and enjoying the swim.

I will celebrate my first year in CoDA in about two weeks. I plan to attend two, maybe three, meetings and receive my 1 year chip, as well as hugs from all those that care about me. It is a wonderful feeling to share the triumphs with those that have been there for the hardships as well.

Like kndheart, I am available through PMs if anyone has questions about CoDA. Or you can read more about CoDA at www.coda.org

Andrea

Wonderful post, Ms Andrea...

Also, I looked up that link. Hmmmm..maybe that is why I have been looking outward for aproval all my life...I never really understood what being co-dependent meant. The term was so strange to me.

I am thankful that I never fell into the trap of self-medicating the hurt, confusion, and frustration with alcohol or drugs.

Thanks to the info provided above, I understand a little bit more now.

Oh..btw all..I have been a lurker here for quite some time. Thank you all for being so brave and sharing your struggles.

[ReddingCalGal]

Wonderful post, Ms Andrea...

Also, I looked up that link. Hmmmm..maybe that is why I have been looking outward for aproval all my life...I never really understood what being co-dependent meant. The term was so strange to me.

I am thankful that I never fell into the trap of self-medicating the hurt, confusion, and frustration with alcohol or drugs.

Thanks to the info provided above, I understand a little bit more now.

Oh..btw all..I have been a lurker here for quite some time. Thank you all for being so brave and sharing your struggles.

Welcome, Kiss.

I celebrate my one year birthday in CODA this weekend and find myself to be very excited. I am so looking forward to that portion of the meeting where it is asked who has a birthday today. The tears are already threatening as I think about it. My CODA family is the best and have been such a part of my growth.

Andrea