A few ideas please?

[~Skye~]

Hello,
I don't know if this is in the right place but I will give it a shot.

I recently had to move in with my aunt and uncle due to various issues. I'm happy to have a roof over my head, and a safe place for my dogs and I to be.

Thing is my Aunt and Uncle are seriously Christian...to put it nicely. (I don't have a problem with it at all...I believe in God too) It just feels a bit suffocating on that end. But any way.

They welcomed myself and my two dogs into their home saying that they are accepting of me. I'm doing well abiding by the rules and looking for work. But since the first week ended I can't help but feel them trying to change me...in so many ways I can't count them all. I'm very calm about it and welcoming to change because I want to be a better person.

But at the same time...I think they may be trying to change my sexuality as well. Which we all know that can't happen. I just I don't want to get angry with them I don't want it to lead into a long drawn out religious conversation. I also don't want them setting up a date for me with a guy! Here are a few instances that have happened. (Which aren't much of anything)

I was on the phone with a friend (she's bi) and laughing and talking about how people I talk to (who I'm open with) CANNOT for the life of them say GAY or anything along those lines. I walked past my aunt and she said gay means happy. Which made me smile. But at the same time she became insistent about it. Very insistent about it so I agreed yes it does but as a slangish term can also mean homosexual...and I got my glass of water and skittered away thinking what the hell?

A few weeks back I had made the mistake of reading Patience and Sarah in the living room. They want me to spend time with them and I wanted to read my book and it was a quiet evening. They have said they are accepting. So I thought what would it hurt. You know? I wasn't going to read it out loud or anything I even kept the cover down out of respect. They asked what I was reading so I said Patience and Sarah it's a romance novel. It was very influential and it's well known. For a time it was on the banned books list. What do my aunt and uncle do? They started giggling with one another in a childish manner saying 'gee I wonder why it was banned?' I felt so...hurt.

At Christmas my aunt asked me to make a list for Christmas things I needed/ wanted. I said I was thinking about asking for a novel or two. She IMMEDIATELY said 'No dirty books'. Mind you I hadn't even said what kind. It was going to be a dog one...you know those people who write about their dogs lives and make millions...yea one of those. But...she made it seem like...talk about a slap in the face.

When I try to talk about other things like movies...Citizen Kane or *insert any title here* They don't know what movie I'm talking about. I rented a newer version of Anne Frank the other night...I don't think my Aunt had ever seen it or read it. I've also tried talking to them about what I would like to do in the fall which is go back to school and get my liberal arts degree in English because I'd love to teach ESL in Japan. So I've been doing research and what not but when I try to open that up for conversation, always I am reminded of my debt that I currently have...which yes I am aware of it made me physically sick for a a year because I wasn't making enough to make ends meet. They tell me to settle for what I have. One day my aunt told me if it doesn't have to do with Cleaning or cooking then she doesn't know what I'm talking about. SO...I just *head-desk* I've tried really. And I really don't want to talk religion...I can only imagine how that would go it would go on for HOURS and be about how right this is and that is not and all of that.

I feel suffocated. I love my family. I truly love them but I feel like I hit one brick wall after another when I try to be me but when I'm what they are trying to change me into whatever the hell that is...it's like a magazine...perfect. Which is something I've noticed as a trend. They like for things to be magazine perfect. Nothing wrong or strange.

I keep thinking about what will happen one day(once I have my own place and am standing on my own two feet) when I bring my lover home for dinner? (Don't have one currently...which I can't help but think I'm lucky) I can only imagine how they would re-act to a butch.

How would you guys keep your sanity in this position? Without tearing your hair out and climbing the walls. Any ideas would be amazing

Skye

p.s.
Sorry that this is my first post here at butch-femme I do hope to contribute happy posts and get to know people!

[andy vibgyor]

okay, BREATHE.

Now,

1. Ignore the unpleasant and annoying things your uncle and aunt say to you. That's really the best way to deal with it right now. You have just moved in with them and it'll take them a while to get comfortable with the person you are, especially your sexuality. Slip in one or two sentences to let them know how you feel when they say something that's ignorant or something that hurts you but just don't bother discussing or brooding on this subject with them. Simply ignore.

2. The reason I said you should ignore all of that is because, if you get defensive about it, it'll sap your energy, for no good. Focus on finding working, getting independent. That's what deserves your energy and attention right now. The more you focus on these things, the less chances of you getting affected by what your family says.

3. I have been in a similar situation before and I know how difficult it is to focus on your career while you face a suffocating environment at home. So, please find your getaways..even if they exist outside of your house..go out with friends et al. When you are at home, just find peaceful things to do..read a book, listen to music. Finally, as far as getting along with your uncle and aunt is concerned, for a start, don't get any controversial topics in the way right now. haha..so, just talk about routine things with them..cooking, cleaning etc. after all, that's what your aunt said on a serious note, I understand that we all want to share our life with our families, talk about things that matter to us and it hurts when you can't do that but, the world's not ideal, is it? If your family is not open to the things that mean so much to you, the the best way is to first get into a routine conversation with them and then bring up those things, bit by bit. and, if their response is hurtful then ignore them, and have the patience to give them the space and time to understand while you work your way to getting independent and moving ahead with *your* life, irrespective of what your family says.

I have a feeling that I have only re-phrased the things you already know but I guess, that's all we need sometimes..a bit of reassurance hope that helped.

[~Skye~]

Thanks Andy vibgyor! You're right. I guess I just needed to breathe. I haven't raised anything about my sexuality. I've actually been rather quiet for two and a half weeks. It's hard though...they want me to be a part of the family and what not but at the same time I'm used to being independent...I have been that for most of my life...and here it's kind of like a 180 I suppose. That and they don't talk about the various subjects I love to talk about...which yes everyone is different. Understandable. I won't force them. But if they want me to be apart of their 'family'...do I make sense?
Once I get a job I think things will be easier. Then I can start finding my escapes. I'm totally new to the area and have zilch when it comes to a social life. That we live out in the country which is wonderful but at the same time a humungo pain in the ass for doing things. The only thing I can say is that by the end of this my dogs will be so intelligent it will scare people. lol. But you are completely right. The only thing is I feel like I just can't talk to them or anything that I will live out this time like ships passing in the night. Which I don't want...they are family not strangers. Thanks again Andy truly. Sometimes all one needs is a bit of reversal.

[andy vibgyor]

You are welcome!

that I will live out this time like ships passing in the night.

That sounds poetic, and sad. And, I know how it feels..because, that's what I am doing right now. Sometimes, I think that if I move out, my relationship with my family will be much better because while I live with them..all I can do is spend my time like ships passing in the night. It used to bother me earlier but not any more because I guess I'm so used to it. I work and I'm trying to find a place and all but moving out isn't the only thing that I need to take care of. anyway, let's see what happens.

about your social life..please create one, if you can't find one. Living at your home and not being able to talk with your family while trying to focus on getting work is frustrating. Talk to your friends, invite them home once in a while, go out to the city once in a while but find or create a getaway, even if that's once in a blue moon thing, but do it. Don't think that you'll do all of that once you find work. If you think that, it'll only add to the frustration. That's what I feel personally.

[~Skye~]

You are welcome!



That sounds poetic, and sad. And, I know how it feels..because, that's what I am doing right now. Sometimes, I think that if I move out, my relationship with my family will be much better because while I live with them..all I can do is spend my time like ships passing in the night. It used to bother me earlier but not any more because I guess I'm so used to it. I work and I'm trying to find a place and all but moving out isn't the only thing that I need to take care of. anyway, let's see what happens.

about your social life..please create one, if you can't find one. Living at your home and not being able to talk with your family while trying to focus on getting work is frustrating. Talk to your friends, invite them home once in a while, go out to the city once in a while but find or create a getaway, even if that's once in a blue moon thing, but do it. Don't think that you'll do all of that once you find work. If you think that, it'll only add to the frustration. That's what I feel personally.

Your relationship with your family may be better if you do move. I can understand that as well as other issues as well. But when life throws you lemons...all you can do is make lemonade even if it's un-sweetend. The sugar will come if you are patient enough.
All I can do is be thankful I am here with my dogs and a roof over our heads with a warm bed at night. That's what I remind myself of or try too when I feel the monotony beginning to eat at me. I immediately feel lucky and blessed. But then I wonder if I'm going to go nuts. I wish I could go out to town more. But I can currently only use my gas for job hunting. Since they are helping with that. I will create my social life once I do get a job but for now it will have to resort to calling friends two hours away and working the pups.
We can do this I think. What do you think?

[andy vibgyor]

Definitely There's no situation in life that we can't handle. As you said, it does need patience and I think, as long as you know that you are working to find your way through the difficulties then your effort becomes a motivation in itself

Before, 'it got better' for me..I spent quite a few years of my life where the only social life that I had was internet. LOL. Actually, not even internet..I was trying to find a life on internet since finding one in real was not an option at that time. I did not even have pups It was bad, suffocating and what not. But I got through it. And, I emerged stronger and wiser. I still don't have a part of some social life that I would like to have as in, having some lesbian friends, finding a b-f community but that isn't an option for me right now. And, I guess that's okay. Sometimes, I think it's okay to alone..in fact, it's soothing and therapeutic!

So, all the best to you. I'm sure that you'll find job soon and move out. Till then, apart from calling friends, and working your pups, know that you can message a certain someone on b-f as well, so count me in