What do BUTCH women want from FEMMES?

[lipstickchic]

Hi everyone,

Not onley am I new to this site but I have also just come out. I am new to the whole lesbian scene.

I am very attracted to butch women. However, I am wondering how butch women want to be treated by femmes?

I have dated a few butch women who have told me I have taken their roles when I innitate things. I dont know if they are insecure about their sexual orientations or...................


Everyone says that they hate dating games ect..................but if I am really myself and not acting like a passive mouse................. it seems as though Im to much of a woman for most butch women to handle.......................but personally I dont like dating femmes though I have several femme friends...........

Your thoughts??????????????

[MsLinus]

I think you just need to find the right butch. Some butches don't like an "independent" femme but some do. I have no issues with a femme/woman who is sure of herself and knows what she wants. I'm not interested in a slave. I want a partner who I can support and who can support me.

Keep searching.. I'm sure you'll find the right butch to handle all you've got to offer.

[JetBoy]

Be yourself, the right butch will come along.

Personally, I would NEVER partner or date a passive femme. I can't stand passive people. They creep me out, actually. I prefer strong fierce intelligent independent and vocal women who don't need me to be anyone other than who I am.

[dykeinabox]

lipstickchic, you'll likely get a million different opinions on this.

Just remember that if you're being yourself, eventually you'll find your perfect complement. You'll never find the person of your dreams if you aren't being yourself. It might be frustrating, it might be discouraging and people might tell you that you don't fit in. But they're wrong.

[csgoddess]

From a Femme perspective--

Take your time. You are also coming into your Femme identity, and neither "butch" or "femme" is a one size fits all label. We all come in all sorts of sizes, shapes, temperments and predilictions. Meet a lot of folks, date a lot of folks, and you will figure out what who you are as a Femme and that will naturally translate into a definition of who you want as a partner.

I would suggest reading a lot, here, elsewhere on line, and offline as well. Get involved with the Southern California group from here, and generally get your feet wet in the Butch/Femme dynamic. You will find your match eventually, but you will also have fun and learn a great deal along the way.

Welcome to the site, to yourself, and see you around!

-CS

[noruega]

To add to what Dykeinabox mentioned, you really should be yourself.

For instance, I am definitely not a passive femme. I always stand up for myself, and if something bothers me I will not curb my tongue. Just not my style. I know my butch would not have it any other way. In fact, she tells me so. She likes knowing I will put her in her place if need be...lol.

You will find a perfect fit, just stay true to yourself

~Melissa

[TeaPartyTart]

Welcome to the site Lipstick!

*another Femme perspective*

Anytime I hear anyone saying comments about a butch 'letting their femme...' makes me want to kick the person's ass

Butch does not equal dominance and Femme does not equal passive/submissive. I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

Each relationship has a natural ebb and flow between the two energies that makes the relationship work. If the relationship is out of balance, it's not right.

If someone doesn't 'get' you or feel the need to identify your confident nature for being anything other than who you are and completely appreciating it, they don't deserve you.

[Ally_J2005]

Welcome to the site Lipstick!

*another Femme perspective*

Anytime I hear anyone saying comments about a butch 'letting their femme...' makes me want to kick the person's ass

Butch does not equal dominance and Femme does not equal passive/submissive. I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

Each relationship has a natural ebb and flow between the two energies that makes the relationship work. If the relationship is out of balance, it's not right.

If someone doesn't 'get' you or feel the need to identify your confident nature for being anything other than who you are and completely appreciating it, they don't deserve you.

I just love a "Strong Sister Femme " who can tell it like it is ... Kudos Mz TPT

[SpinxxieFairy]

I am attracted to strong butches as I am pretty strong willed myself, lol - as I have been told feisty! I stay far away from stereotypes, because you have to be yourself, I tried to do what I thought was what *femmes* should do, and I was miserable, just be yourself, and the right person will come around. Vive les Differences!

[RealPoetsWriteNPen]

Welcome to the site Lipstick!

*another Femme perspective*

Anytime I hear anyone saying comments about a butch 'letting their femme...' makes me want to kick the person's ass

Butch does not equal dominance and Femme does not equal passive/submissive. I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

Each relationship has a natural ebb and flow between the two energies that makes the relationship work. If the relationship is out of balance, it's not right.

If someone doesn't 'get' you or feel the need to identify your confident nature for being anything other than who you are and completely appreciating it, they don't deserve you.

Thank you TEA!!!

I have for the longest time wondered why it is that the whole aspect of being able to be a strong woman and "role play" or be subbmissive in other aspects of a relationship is considered nearly impossible to fathom by nearly all the butch's ive met. why is it i can go to owrk and make the money. have my own mind and ideas/ideals, yet i come home and if i stae an opinion that differs im "confused" or "type A".. please. Everyone is different, i happen to be a Very complex person.. it is who i am. I am strong willed and opinionated, as well as able to enjoy the trust and emotion in a submissive place with a partner. Being Submissive doesnt eman i should have to be someones slave or not have my own mind.
~ of course.. as evreyone has said finding the "right" butch, and your place in this "culture" is a long winding road...one i know im still traveling even after bein on it for years...

[1-Sunny-Spirit]

If I sincerely care about a girl in a special way, this StoneButch wants to be needed and shown care. The little caring things a woman does for me speaks volumes.

SunnyBoy

[HammiePoo2]

You have gotten some invaluable advice thus far, I have nothing particularly insightful to add. Just popped in to say Welcome to the site, lipstickchic!

[Jules]

TPT said:

I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

From my own personal standpoint I am amazed that some butches think this way....There's something about a woman who has self confidence, opinions and not afraid to voice them, and a healthy sense of "self" that I find incredibly attractive. So all you confident femmes out there.....keep it up!!!! Don't let anyone tell you you're a bitch, PMSing, controlling, etc. (though I'm sure you wouldn't let them anyway), just because you're confident enough in yourself to express how you feel.

Jules
A butch who loves confidence and self assurance in a femme

[dykeinabox]

I'd just like to add: Cupcakes.

That is all.

[boovision]

I want to hear more opinions like that of TPT.

[vetiver]

Thank you TEA!!!

I have for the longest time wondered why it is that the whole aspect of being able to be a strong woman and "role play" or be subbmissive in other aspects of a relationship is considered nearly impossible to fathom by nearly all the butch's ive met. why is it i can go to owrk and make the money. have my own mind and ideas/ideals, yet i come home and if i stae an opinion that differs im "confused" or "type A".. please. Everyone is different, i happen to be a Very complex person.. it is who i am. I am strong willed and opinionated, as well as able to enjoy the trust and emotion in a submissive place with a partner. Being Submissive doesnt eman i should have to be someones slave or not have my own mind.

Wonderfully said Real. Thank you for that. Very very true for me as well.

[Lady_Di]

Welcome to the site Lipstick!

*another Femme perspective*

Anytime I hear anyone saying comments about a butch 'letting their femme...' makes me want to kick the person's ass

Butch does not equal dominance and Femme does not equal passive/submissive. I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

Each relationship has a natural ebb and flow between the two energies that makes the relationship work. If the relationship is out of balance, it's not right.

If someone doesn't 'get' you or feel the need to identify your confident nature for being anything other than who you are and completely appreciating it, they don't deserve you.

you always make me giggle in the middle of the night....
I rather like that about you

kick ass femmes, gotta love em, especially with a flair for writing
and comedy what a combo

we should storm hollyweird
or wood

NYC wood be fun

take the stages of London or londondairy

geeeee, I think I need more sleep

my jokes are lame


please keep kicking those asses
I will be right there beside ya

doing the Tae-Bo Bootcamp don't cha know~
so kicking up a storm is now something

I can do

Have a Can do Attitude anyhows~

One fierce femme,
Lady Di armed with a quick wit and ready to kick some boot

[LezDeluxe]

Welcome to the site Lipstick!

*another Femme perspective*

Anytime I hear anyone saying comments about a butch 'letting their femme...' makes me want to kick the person's ass

Butch does not equal dominance and Femme does not equal passive/submissive. I have heard a series of responses about my 'dominate' words and/or actions being:
-Type A
-Controlling
-You must be PMSing
-A Bitch
...instead of accepting it as my natural state of being and that I am a strong person. Period. It has nothing to do with how I ID.

Each relationship has a natural ebb and flow between the two energies that makes the relationship work. If the relationship is out of balance, it's not right.

If someone doesn't 'get' you or feel the need to identify your confident nature for being anything other than who you are and completely appreciating it, they don't deserve you.

Thank you TPT .........a great post , but than again your posts are always great .

Lipstickchic ...... welcome to the website.

Another femme that is wondering what is wrong with being strong, independent and have a mind of my own ? ... For me as a MUST to date a strong butch, otherwise, I will always end up as TPT stated above, being called controlling, demanding, dangerous, bitch. Why? because hy is intimidated by me? because my ego is not bruised and my self-esteem is not down in a gutter?

[TeaPartyTart]

Thank you TPT .........a great post , but than again your posts are always great .

Lipstickchic ...... welcome to the website.

Another femme that wondering what is wrong with being strong, independent and have a mind of my own ? ... For me as a MUST to date a strong butch, otherwise, I will always end up as TPT stated above, being called controlling, demanding, dangerous, bitch. Why? because hy is intimidated by me? because my ego is not bruised and my self-esteem is not down in a gutter?

Thank you and well said.

[Midnight Blue]

I think you just need to find the right butch. Some butches don't like an "independent" femme but some do. I have no issues with a femme/woman who is sure of herself and knows what she wants. I'm not interested in a slave. I want a partner who I can support and who can support me.

Keep searching.. I'm sure you'll find the right butch to handle all you've got to offer.

It is, of course, absolutely fine if you don't want a slave -- but could I suggest that not all slaves are people who aren't sure of themselves or who don't know what they want (as your post seems to imply)?

I've been a RT slave for just over 9 years now. I'm also a practicing attorney and I have a romantic partnership relationship with a Butch, TxCougar. I think if you ask either my Owner or TxCougar, you'll hear that I'm very sure of myself, powerful and able to make decisions and support each of them. And they both absolutely support me, in different ways.

All of the men and women I know who are really living in M/s relationships are assertive, powerful and completely able to take care of themselves and others... they just find their calling in putting their power in service to others.

I do a lot of speaking on M/s relationships in the leather community, and one of my goals is to try to dispel some of the misconceptions that surround these relationships. I'm always happy to talk with anyone who has any questions.

Thanks for the opportunity to discuss this.

[MsLinus]

but could I suggest that not all slaves are people who aren't sure of themselves or who don't know what they want (as your post seems to imply)?

Thing is, I wasn't referring to it in the sense you were thinking (that is, a M/s environment). I was thinking more in the sense of someone expecting someone else to be passive in their thinking always. Believe it or not, there are a lot of us that are vanilla and tend to think of things in a non-BDSM sense.

[dykeinabox]

Thing is, I wasn't referring to it in the sense you were thinking (that is, a M/s environment). I was thinking more in the sense of someone expecting someone else to be passive in their thinking always. Believe it or not, there are a lot of us that are vanilla and tend to think of things in a non-BDSM sense.

Agreed. The M/s dynamic never even entered my mind during this discussion. Arguably, some of the strongest women around are submissive to varying degrees in the bedroom (or other rooms of the house, venues, etc).

[Midnight Blue]

Thing is, I wasn't referring to it in the sense you were thinking (that is, a M/s environment). I was thinking more in the sense of someone expecting someone else to be passive in their thinking always. Believe it or not, there are a lot of us that are vanilla and tend to think of things in a non-BDSM sense.

Thanks for the clarification. My problem is that too many people even in the leather community think of slaves as passive! So it's definitely a hot button issue for me.

Thanks again for the opportunity to talk about it.

[OBB Orginal BadBoi]

My heart beats/correction pounds for femmes that are ....just as Fearless, Fierce, Passionate, Sexual, Strong, Smart, Secure & Self Empowered as I am.

Infact if she can't stand up to me & keep me in check then I have no interest.

It takes a hella woman to truely impress me & is she doesn't love herself enough to be herself & hold her own with me then I don't need her, becuz I want an eqaul a woman that knowns she's entitled. A woman that pushes & moves me to want to be a better butch to be deserving of being hers as she is mine.

[Midnight Blue]

Now I'm going to try to actually address the question of the thread...*smile*


I'm not sure if the question is directed at asking how a butch wants to be treated in bed, or just generally. And by "initiate things" I'm not sure if you mean the butch didn't want you to initiate sex or didn't want you to touch her in certain places during sex.

My general experience -- and it's only mine -- is that the butches I've dated (and the butch who now is my mate) absolutely want and admire a strong femme. They absolutely didn't want me to be "passive." They did (and my lover does) like to do things for me like open doors, pull out my chair, etc. But I *love* having those things done for me as a femme -- and I don't view myself as passive at all for loving those courtly manners.

As for initiating things in bed... I've dated rock hard stone butches who didn't want me to touch them sexually in any way. I've also dated butches who, after trust was established, welcomed me making love to them. I would suggest that a butch who wants to be the one to initiate things and who may not be comfortable with you touching her is not necessarily sexually insecure. It's just one of the many "flavors" of butch that's available. It may be a flavor you like, or one that you don't. It isn't better or worse, and it doesn't mean you're "too much woman" for them to handle. You may just not be right for them, and they may not be right for you.

[BoyDyke]

oh wow. you are going to get a ton or replies on this. I found you because I thread stalk Jet. HAHA

I have to say first, dont let anyone tell you that aggression is butch. thats not true. I know a lot of FEMMES who are aggressive and not butch at all. and I know a lof of Butches that are passive who arent the slight bit femme!

is not about that. that said what do butches want? we all want different things. I go for bitchy. HA HA all my friends are gasping in mock shock right now....


but with that I have to agree with other, *real* is so important to me, I hated having time go by and seeing that the person I was with wasnt who was presented. there are a list of adjectives I could use but I would think they are redundant:
polite
kind
caring
genuine
smart
good teeth (ok that one isnt redundant)

I think the traits I value most in my partner are the ones that make me feel secure and that comes from communication and appreciation from both sides. be yourself and if thats considered "aggressive" then so be it. find a butch who appreciates that.

[Metropolis]

I am very attracted to butch women. However, I am wondering how butch women want to be treated by femmes?

With respect, caring, compassion and kindness.. etc, just as I would treat her.

As far as "initiating" if your speaking of sex... I certainly don't mind her initiating an erotic encounter, matter of fact I like it... shows Me she's hot for Me... thats always a good thing...

And I can't see how you could be taking thier (your previous butchs) "roles" unless you were butch, and then still you would be just being you. I don't think you can take anyones "role".

Sounds like you just have'nt met you match yet... keep looking and good luck.

[nihilisia]

I had a similar experience the first time I slept with a butch. I freaked her out, and I couldn't figure out why. Looking back now, I think I may have accidentally crossed some boundaries of hers. At the time, I was just really happy to be there, and I didn't know those boundaries could exist.

[SweetnWickedGRRL]

My butch boi says, "Send them a drink. Even a complete butch will be impressed by that."

I guess it depends on what you mean by "initiate things". How do you meet one? See the above. Or, ask them to dance, if you're braver. Or walk up and introduce yourself. Or - meet one online, like I did.

If you mean, are you being too assertive? I agree with most of what's already been said, especially (paraphrasing, here) 'date a lot of people'. Why are you attracted to butches? Is it assertiveness you're attracted to, or a physical look? Dating lots of people helps you figure that out - and, how to interact with them when you find them.

Good luck! and remember, HAVE FUN!

~Sweet

[FemNFla21]

Hi lipstick,
I have never had that problem, I am a femme, and ive been with two women before both were butch... When it came to sex, if i started it, they loved that... They both thought it was sexy when fems do that.. But, i didnt always start it, sometimes i would and sometimes they would.. And, sometimes id be in control and sometimes they would..
When it comes to everything else in the relationship, my exs were never really in control.. It would be 50-50..Which i believe it should be that,in any relationship..I wont let anyone control my life though, but im not sure how ur talking bout, but im sure u just havnt found the right butch yet...
Always be urself though, dont change for no one..
I know with me, i maybe fem, and i will cook and do things like that for my butch, but i stick up for myself.. I know one of my exs got mad at me, bc some guy was all over me, and i took care of it..before she got the chance to... lol I didnt see what i did wrong, but she said she could have handled it and didnt want me to do what i did.. Cuz i took his arm and twisted it and told him if he touched me again he would feel alot of pain..Then walked off, btu she was going up to him like she was gonna hurt him,and i wouldnt let her.... Then she got mad...
Anyways,
Don't change urself, u will find someone... Some butches might like to in control of everything, but some really like when there woman can be in control of things sometimes, and are not so dependent on them..

[sabra399]

well join the club ...i have been in this lfe for 11 years and still have yet to figure them (butches)out...........obviously i haven't found the right one yet either...........for some i was not needy enough they wanted to rescue me...for others i was too independent...........but it was all a good learning experience.......... in the bedroom.. with each flavor as someone put it....you just have to communicate........once you learn what works ...it will click.............but the key is be yourself thats what i have learned from the peeps on this site.......thats what i am doing.........so if it takes a while so be it...........it will be worth it in the end........

my problem i think i have figured out....is people pleasing...to passive when i get into arealtionship...not in the bedroom but in everday life......help with thoughts!!!! on this matter

[NYFemmie]

Hi everyone,

Not onley am I new to this site but I have also just come out. I am new to the whole lesbian scene.

I am very attracted to butch women. However, I am wondering how butch women want to be treated by femmes?

I have dated a few butch women who have told me I have taken their roles when I innitate things. I dont know if they are insecure about their sexual orientations or...................


Everyone says that they hate dating games ect..................but if I am really myself and not acting like a passive mouse................. it seems as though Im to much of a woman for most butch women to handle.......................but personally I dont like dating femmes though I have several femme friends...........

Your thoughts??????????????

Welcome to the site

Hang in there ... you will find the right butch for you. Remain true to yourself and be real. There are a lot of women who take on personas that aren't their own because they merely don't want to be alone.

I can totally relate to what you are saying because I am a VERY strong, independent femme. I have come across many a butch that wanted to either dominate, control or "take care" of me. I wasn't passive enough, called me too stubborn because I wouldn't concede to what I considered passive and GOD FORBID I took initiative.... *eyeroll* I was brought up by a fiercely independent mother and this apple did not fall far from that tree

Good luck and keep the faith. The right one will come along.

[FemNFla21]

I was brought up by a fiercely independent mother and this apple did not fall far from that tree .

Same here NYFemme.... My mom was very independent....and actully i would say she wore the pants in our house lol... Because, when she said something it was final...and if she said no, then we knew that meant no...but if dad said no? or as a teenager (my step dad said no?) then we would go to mom...lol and if we got her on our side then we would normally get it... but anyways she always had the say over my dad and step dad...lol

My aunt has this saying:

"The man may be the head of the house, but the women is the neck and can turn the head where ever she wants"

[DallasLesbian]

Welcome to the site

Hang in there ... you will find the right butch for you. Remain true to yourself and be real. There are a lot of women who take on personas that aren't their own because they merely don't want to be alone.

I can totally relate to what you are saying because I am a VERY strong, independent femme. I have come across many a butch that wanted to either dominate, control or "take care" of me. I wasn't passive enough, called me too stubborn because I wouldn't concede to what I considered passive and GOD FORBID I took initiative.... *eyeroll* I was brought up by a fiercely independent mother and this apple did not fall far from that tree

Good luck and keep the faith. The right one will come along.

Well I agree with Femmie, be yourself. I for one dig independent women who have a voice. I'm not out to take care of anyone...............I personally want a partner. There is nothing wrong with a femme having backbone. Don't go for the passive type at all.

[Re]

First of all welcome to . You will love it here

Myself being butch, I love an aggressive femme. I want to be with someone that can make up their own mind and actually do have opinions about things. Stand up for you because in the end, you'll be the last one standing for you. There are LOTS of butches out there searching for femmes like you. Dont get discouraged. Hell, have a good time looking lil lady

[Ricochet_]

Wow, what does a Butch woman want from a femme gal? I'm hopin' I read that topic correctly.

Speaking from experience, living with, and having been married to a femme gal in the recent past, for about 12 1/2 years. I can say.... I like her to be strong, not afraid to voice her opinions, and basically ... uhmmmmm... make me feel like I'm a puppy dawg!!! Is that weird or what??? Yep, I reckon it is.

I have to say... I work my butt off at work. I have to be a biotch, and when I get home, and/or come home to a gal, I don't want to take the reigns all the time.

OOOOOooooooo I should have not commented here.. but I couldn't help myself. Now I'm soundin' like a wuss! But do I care? NOPE! Wait, I think I mentioned somewhere that I was a gentle butch. That's my story and I'm sssssttttickin' to it!!!

[Re]

Wow, what does a Butch woman want from a femme gal? I'm hopin' I read that topic correctly.

Speaking from experience, living with, and having been married to a femme gal in the recent past, for about 12 1/2 years. I can say.... I like her to be strong, not afraid to voice her opinions, and basically ... uhmmmmm... make me feel like I'm a puppy dawg!!! Is that weird or what??? Yep, I reckon it is.

I have to say... I work my butt off at work. I have to be a biotch, and when I get home, and/or come home to a gal, I don't want to take the reigns all the time.

OOOOOooooooo I should have not commented here.. but I couldn't help myself. Now I'm soundin' like a wuss! But do I care? NOPE! Wait, I think I mentioned somewhere that I was a gentle butch. That's my story and I'm sssssttttickin' to it!!!

Not a dang thing wrong with that at all. Just because youre butch doesnt mean youre not a woman. Everyone woman has needs and if you want to relax when you get home--hell do it. There's nothin' wrong with a lil femme "take over"

[NYFemmie]

Same here NYFemme.... My mom was very independent....and actully i would say she wore the pants in our house lol... Because, when she said something it was final...and if she said no, then we knew that meant no...but if dad said no? or as a teenager (my step dad said no?) then we would go to mom...lol and if we got her on our side then we would normally get it... but anyways she always had the say over my dad and step dad...lol

My aunt has this saying:

"The man may be the head of the house, but the women is the neck and can turn the head where ever she wants"

Omg - same with my dad. He tried to be head of the household, but everyone knew who wore the pants, lol ... because of her strength, she was admired and respected by many.

At least at the end of each day I can say that I take care of myself - and that I don't have to depend on anyone. My partner stands next to me - not behind me nor in front of me ... (unless I want some eye candy, then I'll fall behind a bit )

[DallasLesbian]

At least at the end of each day I can say that I take care of myself - and that I don't have to depend on anyone. My partner stands next to me - not behind me nor in front of me ... (unless I want some eye candy, then I'll fall behind a bit )

You go girl.............I'm not a push over and I certainly don't want a partner who is. I think you gals are wonderful and very much appreciated. Nothing wrong with a little backbone.

And I totally agree, I want a partner that stands next to me................unless of course I want to some eye candy

[JeepFemme]

Love the opinions posted thus far :-) BF is a place that houses some strong women------glad I found it! My opinion on the topic is this:

I found that I had to stop thinking about what someone else wanted out of me and figure out who i was, what I wanted, and where I wanted to be in life. Being confident and knowing what you want and who you are, have got to be the most attractive qualities one can possess, Femme or Butch.

So I can see on this site there are alot of attractive people on both spectrums!

Jeep is driving away, as Elvis leaves the building.....