Physical Disability & Self-Esteem: Life As It Is Now, Coming To Terms, Rising Above

[Whispertome]

And mine as well, thanks to a post you made once.

SFK

Good, see we all stick together!!

[micpfef]

Hi All. I was searching for relocation stuff for myself and I came across this website with all kinds of disability resources. So figured I would put it in here. It includes funding sources, free exchange programs and such for adaptive equipment.

http://www.disabilityresources.org/index.html

[ArchAngel Gabriel]

I went to the habitat dedication for ourwomen's build house

amazing
I am also now on the steering committee and will start going around to do speaking engagments at different places. Yikes....... I figure if i get all shy I will just laugh it off and begin again. Just maybe I will get over my horrendous fear of public speaking.

I was sad when I fell and got hurt so could not help build more than I did. But hey I peeked and the shed is not finished inside and there are my impossible studs all standing tall and even waiting for their sheetrock coat. That makes me quite happy. My framing on the front wall is of course all nicely dressed.

I recommend habitat building as a fun thing to participate in. They have all kinda ways one can volunteer for.

[Shyfemmekat]

Car service is coming in two and a half hours, have to shower and pull on jeans and tie-dye but I wanted to tell everyone you are in my thoughts and prayers. See you Thursday and I will try to be all caught up by Sunday night!

SFK

[DAYWALKER]

Hello! Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've got a sinus infection, which is driving me nuts.

I do have a question for everyone. One of the most bothersome symptoms with my MS is the extreme fatigue. For those of you who have this, do you have any tips/advice on how you deal with it. I usually head to Starbucks, but on days like today even that isn't enough. I also take Provigil.

I'll be back later after I've rested and I'll read the posts from the last few days.

Wishing you all a good day!

Hey there espresso...!

My Provigil label reads to take 200mg, twice a day.

For me, that is too much...lol, because it tweaks me to oblivion. Makes me too spacey to take that much. I'm gonna just go ahead and tell you all that there is nothing attractive about Unkle Day being wired to the gills...lmaooo! I compensate with sugar-free Red Bull, but am happy that I do not have to drink it in the quantities that I did before the Provigil. I am extremely grateful that my Insurance covers all but $50.00 of the monthly script. It's like $600.00 for 60 of these buggers! I take one in the morning, and once in a great while I will find occasion to take another half of one in the middle of the day. I use up what it will offer me, all in a days work you might say...lol! By the time I get home, it is not long before I smoke my meds and I'm gone to dream land. I have come to understand full well what is going to exhaust me, and have conceded to using my energy sparingly. I hate that, but it's totally necessary. Temperature can easily drain a full days of energy in just 30 minutes time or less. If you get out in the heat, know that with every minute you are out there, you will be shaving (energy) off the top end of your day. My job sucks the life outta me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It is alloted 90% of energies that my reserve may have. I also stopped beating myself up for spending my two days off...inside...and resting. MS Fatigue is evil, lol...and it is definitely right up with stairs and any day over 70 degrees on my list of foes...lol! It is different from any other fatigue, and most people just cannot understand that...until they experience it.
Pacing, allotting, and dosages seem to be the key to subsiding the fatigue,
but there just is no ridding ourselves of it.
Hope you're doing well!!!!

Today is the two year anniversary since I was diagnosed with MS. I remember this day in 2005 because I wouldn't get out of bed for the longest time. I knew that my life as I had known it thus far was over, and I kept thinking if I didn't get out of bed it wouldn't happen. I lay there and looked at the ceiling with this smothering feeling of dread for like an hour.

I have been in a bad space today. Part of me is still grieving, I think. The ripple effect, perhaps, but I am also missing my best friend today, and grieving other people I have loved and lost for various reasons. Thus the soundtrack this evening is gloomy as well, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and Chevelle (nod to DAYWALKER there).

Some days are just really hard. This is one of them.

SFK

Of course you're still grieving,
and damned well should allow it...lol!

Once we attempt to stop these kind of days, it morphs into another kind of day...usually riddle with more symptoms. Because our minds need these days from time to time, if we were to disallow it...then our bodies will then fester the results physically. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. I think I said to you on the phone last week, lol...that when the tears and the curling up into a ball begins, remember to raise your hands as if on the top of a roller coaster, and say "Wweeeee..." out loud!

It's comical, it's silly, it's a great distraction, and it allows you to snap into place all the little wacko parts of you to join in the mood of the moment. Yes, lol...I make this stuff up on my own! The music...is also necessary. Especially "mood" themed music. A quiet room during these times can be dangerous and looming, so your choice of play list can be important. Love the ones you chose...lol, especially Chevelle's "Send The Pain Below". Lol...maybe because it is the inspiration for a certain someone's certain story they are almost done with...?

Just like when one is flipping through radio stations, they stop on the one that meets their needs and/or mood. If I need to be cheered up, then I will choose the music that will do it for me...if I need background gloomy stuff to go with the mood at hand, then I will choose gloomy stuff...if I feel like reminiscing of the old days and shroomin'...lol, then Pink Floyd it is! System of a Down and Godsmack offers something up for the angry chair mood...etc...etc...etc.
I believe in the power of music.

SFK...you are feeling depressed....and you are listening to depressing music??? *good...but depressing*
NO....no no no no no....this simply will NOT do!
it is imperative that you go out immediately..and by the cheesiest mariache and/or polka cds available...crank up the sound full tilt chix...put on finger puppets...and use them to do the "death of swan" dance from "swan lake"...in rhythum to the music playing.
Either that...or watch videos of lawrence welk with the sound turned down and Aerosmith playing...and bag on the "who shot the picnic blanket" dresses alla the women are wearing...or watch the videos with the sound up and crack up at how they can't lip sinc, walk, and water fake flowers with empty toy watering cans at the same time.
*always raises my spirits anyway *

Lol...go download Baz Luhrman's "Sunscreen" song.

Trust me on that one! If you don't have it, I will be happy to send you the file. I have several more to list, lol...but I must say I disagree with your theory of starting the music line on the opposite spectrum of the current mood strike. One must begin at the gloom if the mood is gloom, then progress the play list into a slow withdrawal...lol, possibly ending with the finger puppets...lol, but never starting with them while a state of gloom is getting it's turn on the mood wheel...n stuff. Every mood deserves it's turn, or else it will fester and stomp it's ugly angry feet when you least expect it...lol, ya know?
Looks like you and I will have to video a music puppet session together...lol, just to cheer everyone else up!
You wild n crazy like me...lol, I love it!

Car service is coming in two and a half hours, have to shower and pull on jeans and tie-dye but I wanted to tell everyone you are in my thoughts and prayers. See you Thursday and I will try to be all caught up by Sunday night!

SFK

OMG...I didn't get up early enough to send you off with a cheerful phone call! Then again, I would have made you late, because as anyone who gets me on the phone knows...I just never shut up.
(((((shy)))))
We loves ya! Be safe, and tell Mr. Montel I will be happy to send him copies of my story next week! Put in a good word, lol...I am sure he would like to know what happens when an MS patient has their meds withheld all in the name of cruelty...yes?

Ok everyone, I really should come in here more often, but we are down to one puter at home right now, and I have been making my hands very sore trying to finish Session Four with what time I do get to work on it at home. M'Lady takes the puter to work with her in the evening to pass the time away til the wee hours bring her back home to me.
Good news, I have next to me 5 DVD Data disks that are rumored to be the recovered music/graphic/document files from my system that is still in "ICU". I will be confirming this information shortly. The loss of 6 to 8 thousand songs would have been the death of me, and that my friends is no joke! My new Windows XP Professional (been hoarding it for like 5 years now) is being installed by my PC emergency room buddy...lol, and hopefully it will revive that mega-puter back to its old self again...only lighter and faster!

(((((((everyone)))))))

Unkle Day
who best get bizzy on thee story completion!

[Whispertome]

I went to the habitat dedication for ourwomen's build house

amazing
I am also now on the steering committee and will start going around to do speaking engagments at different places. Yikes....... I figure if i get all shy I will just laugh it off and begin again. Just maybe I will get over my horrendous fear of public speaking.

I was sad when I fell and got hurt so could not help build more than I did. But hey I peeked and the shed is not finished inside and there are my impossible studs all standing tall and even waiting for their sheetrock coat. That makes me quite happy. My framing on the front wall is of course all nicely dressed.

I recommend habitat building as a fun thing to participate in. They have all kinda ways one can volunteer for.

Arch,

I often think how fun and fulfilling that it would be to be involved in habitat..I am going to see if there is anything in this region..not sure if there is..

You sound like me, falling down..my knees are so scarred!

[sapho32]

Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do. I needed a break, then my computer got a virus and was acting very, very unhappy. I couldn't connect at all. I will be back sometime this week to read the new posts and give you an update. I've been missing all of you!

Have a happy day and be good to yourself.

Hugs.

[Jules]

Bigbadbutchdaddy,,

I am so sorry for your lose. You, your family are in my prayers.

[Shyfemmekat]

!

Well, good peoples, I am arrived in one piece and relatively good shape. Sunburned from the outdoor press conference so I am starting to peel! *wrinkles nose*

Wow. What a trip, literally. I am tired and wired and have to take my shot yet this evening but a short post:

There were about 50 of us this trip and I managed to find family!!! I had to find them (ROFLMAO) but I did. Made some good connections and possibly some new friends.

I was not able to speak to Montel, DAYWALKER, sorry about that. His bodyguard is even bigger than Rhon. Yeah, no kidding! It was 80 zillion degrees and humid so they whisked him off to revive and I had to head out to the appointments. I had to scoot right after the press conference and I had to go sweaty!!! ICK!

I met many wonderful Patient Ambassadors from as far away as Hawaii. I have a bunch of phone numbers and emails I need to confirm with short messages later but at least one has MS and I will be checking in with her soon.

I will write in detail about the trip once I have rested. I got a touch of heat exhaustion while I was there and I am trying to rehydrate.

Sapho32, it is sure good to see you!

There is lots more and I will catch you up Sunday in chunks.

HUGS!
SFK

[Shyfemmekat]

Here is a link I found about the PPA event:

AT&T Yahoo News
Partnership for Prescription Assistance Patients Join Montel Williams In Washington, DC to Urge Capitol Hill Support for the Uninsured
http://fe10.news.re3.yahoo.com/s/usn...ort_for_the_un

Someone at the event said it was covered by CBS news but I have not found clips yet. Did anyone see it on TV?

SFK

[akadyke]

WELCOME HOME PEEP!!!

your lil peep,

a.

[BlueMoonWolf]

Shy!

So glad that you got there and came back in once peice!

A little bird delivered your card while you were away, Thank you so much!

Looking forward to hearing about your trip!

BMW

[Jules]

SFK, so glad to hear your back safe and sound as well. We took a little jaunt home to Wichita to visit family On the long drive 800 each way, we came to the conclusion/aggreement that we will be moving back to Kansas. We will wait until I get my gov't employees disability taken care of, and of course, sell the house, but those are just minor obstacles. We both feel very strongly that we have made the right decision...and this from someone who SWORE they'd never move back there!

Hope everyone is safe and healthy

[Shyfemmekat]

Here is a video clip of the PPA press conference that Rhon found online. I am in the back row of the Patient Ambassadors seated on the stage.

Partnership for Prescription Assistance Patients Join Montel Williams
http://www.gofish.com:80/player.gfp?gfid=30-1113362

SFK

[Shyfemmekat]

The Partnership for Prescription Assistance website has a great new tool: a free or low cost clinic finder!

PPARx.org Free Clinic Finder
https://www.pparx.org/FreeClinicFinder.php

So, if you don't have a doctor to prescribe the medication you need, just click there and answer a couple of questions to use the search!

SFK

[Woodie69]

Shy,

You rock! No other words come to my mind. Please check your email.

I have been trying to figure out why my heart rate is now racing. It is at 172 beats per minute. Now, I am getting tired from it. It isn't normal, and I have a dr's appt. tomorrow for it. It was discovered when I went for my Function Capacity Test with the State of MD for my employer. It was this high, that the phy. therapist refused to test me until I get my heart checked out. I think it was a pain response because he was pushing so hard on my incisions and causing me even more pain. On a scale of 1 to 10 (being having to go to the ER) I rated myself at a 5. So then with those words, he began to push and manipulate my injured wrist. I have been in rehab for about 2.5 months now. I am not sure of what to think or do.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and life is being kind to all. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I have my white candles lit all the time for you.

God Bless.

Much love and peace,
Andrew (and Rosie and all our furkids too! )

[Holliday]

Hi, everyone! I haven't popped in for a while, so here I am. I've been all depressed since I had a week-long migraine, which coincided with re-starting my antidepressant. I went off the med, and am now free of migraines and full of the blues. *sigh* I keep forgetting to call my doctor, too. I need a swift kick in the butt.

The episode made me think, though, about the privilege of being temporarily healthy/pain-free vs. chronic pain and disability. I mentioned it in my most recent letter to SFK, and it got me thinking... I don't like that I forget to check into this thread when I'm feeling on top of the world. I love the people I've met here, and I care about everyone who shares their stories. I think it's avoidance, kind of. Like I don't want to be reminded of where I've been. Then I get all *funky* again and fall back on the thread. Really doesn't seem fair.

But I suppose that could be the depression talking. *extra big sigh*

Holliday
xox

[jjriotgrrl]

on my website i put my resume and at the bottom of that page ("JJ's Resume") i state that one of my dream jobs is to become an assistance animal trainer. i love dogs, and have several constraints that i use my dogs to help me with. my main struggle right now is finding transportation, but as soon as i get accreditted and all, i'll be able to take the dogs on the bus with me. lots of fun to see depressed people wake up when they stroke the fur of a loving service dog.

[jjriotgrrl]

on my website i put my resume and at the bottom of that page ("JJ's Resume") i state that one of my dream jobs is to become an assistance animal trainer. i love dogs, and have several constraints that i use my dogs to help me with. my main struggle right now is finding transportation, but as soon as i get accreditted and all, i'll be able to take the dogs on the bus with me. lots of fun to see depressed people wake up when they stroke the fur of a loving service dog.

[espresso]

Hello all! I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been having a hard time trying to stay patient waiting on the status of my SSDI. I'm a fire sign, and we tend to want things to happen NOW! I did have an appointment today with the Dept. of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services. I felt encouraged. There is a strong chance that I qualify to have the rest of my schooling paid for by the state, due to my having MS. I told the counselor that I had always been in retail and needed to be retrained for a job to where I could sit down. I thinking about going into counseling. Still deciding! I'm going to catch up on reading posts and I'll post more later on this evening.

Hugs to all of you!

[Shyfemmekat]

The 2007 North American Spinal Cord Injury Conference & Disability Expo
August 27-28, 2007
Gaylord Palms Resort and Convention Center, Orlando, Florida
Hosted by the United Spinal Association http://www.unitedspinal.org
FREE with pre-registration!

Exhibits - Vendors - Demonstrations - Free Raffle Drawing
18 Sessions On Hot Disability Topics, including:

Accessible Travel Planning
Social Security
Relationships and Sexuality
Choosing the Right Caregivers...and many more!

Go here to pre-register online:
NASCIDE Registration Form
http://annualconference.unitedspinal.org/

If you live near Florida this sounds amazing! Follow the jump-off links for more information about sponsors, exhibitors, and discounts, area attractions:

NASCIDE http://www.sciconference.org/

SFK

[espresso]

You are absolutely amazing! Keep being the wonderful person you are!

[espresso]

Before I sign off, I want to wish you all a safe and blessed Memorial Holiday! I'm going out of town for the weekend to see family.

Hugs to all of you!

[Whispertome]

Hello all! I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been having a hard time trying to stay patient waiting on the status of my SSDI. I'm a fire sign, and we tend to want things to happen NOW! I did have an appointment today with the Dept. of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services. I felt encouraged. There is a strong chance that I qualify to have the rest of my schooling paid for by the state, due to my having MS. I told the counselor that I had always been in retail and needed to be retrained for a job to where I could sit down. I thinking about going into counseling. Still deciding! I'm going to catch up on reading posts and I'll post more later on this evening.

Hugs to all of you!

I am an earth sign and I am getting very very tired of SSDI and their games.. I know things will go good for you..

Have a great weekend

[Shyfemmekat]

I went to the habitat dedication for ourwomen's build house

amazing
I am also now on the steering committee and will start going around to do speaking engagments at different places. Yikes....... I figure if i get all shy I will just laugh it off and begin again. Just maybe I will get over my horrendous fear of public speaking.

I was sad when I fell and got hurt so could not help build more than I did. But hey I peeked and the shed is not finished inside and there are my impossible studs all standing tall and even waiting for their sheetrock coat. That makes me quite happy. My framing on the front wall is of course all nicely dressed.

I recommend habitat building as a fun thing to participate in. They have all kinda ways one can volunteer for.

You will do well, Gabe, as long as you speak from your heart and convey your passion for this. You just did it here so I know you can do it in any other situations! You wouldn't have been given this to do and not have been given the power to do it. If you are brought to it, you will be brought through it. I cannot wait to hear more about your outreach! Please do keep us aware of your "gigs" and also post links/copy/video as you are able.

That goes for any of you who do outreach in your various areas. PLEASE do post links and video, etc. Each one of us can touch our corner of the world in some positive way, I believe that. Some of you have indicated to me previously that you would like to do some of the kinds of things I do. YOU CAN! We all have God/Goddess/Spirit given gifts and testimony to share with hurting people in need. Please don't let doubt in your "fitness" or abilities prevent you from outreach. Find a local organization or PM me and I will try to help you if I can.

That is pretty much all I do when I go speak somewhere. I ask God to help me say what I need to say and not get my words tangled up in the process. I figure my duty is to be willing to give myself to be used for a higher purpose. I want to move people, to touch that place inside where we feel for the struggles of our fellow humans. I want them to FEEL what is is like to be sick, jobless and not know what on earth to do next if they've not been there before personally. I want them to get fired up to DO something, to take action.

And you can, too.

Hugs,
SFK

[DAYWALKER]

Good Morning Everyone...

The story is now complete, and posted.

I stayed up through the wee hours to edit and split it up into parts.

The character limits on this site...lol, interrupted in my flow!

Stay cool everyone...and listen to Shy, she speaks the truth...lol!

[Jules]

Another disheartening development today. I discovered I don' t have the strength to mow the yard. We have a self propelling mower, but it's the turning part I can't do. You know, get to the end of the row, turn and go back....well, I can't turn and go back.

I barely have the strength to roll over in bed sometimes, this whole situation is scaring me. And the guilt is overwhelming that Diana is having to do most of the work around the house, as we're trying to get it ready to sell. *sigh* not a good day today.

[Peregrine Magic]

Hey, everybody. I am regaining my equilibrium after my daughter's college graduation (I hosted the associated party), a two week visit from my parents, and flying to New Mexico with my parents for my nephew's high school graduation. I think I got a sinus infection from the six hour (three stops but no exiting) plane ride coming back to California, and spent yesterday mostly lying about in my jammies. I've been exhausted and a bit worried it could be cancer related anemia coming back again.

I've read the last few days of posts, and I hope everyone is currently OK. I've been thinking about chronic pain, what it must be like to live with it. I've been in excruciating temporary pain (I gave birth to two LARGE babies and endured a particularly bad reaction to chemotherapy), but can't imagine what it's like to be in pain all of the time. I salute those of you who have to weigh your mental clarity against your pain levels.

Jules, I'm so glad to hear that your depression is lifting. How's it going with the move to Kansas? I think (ahem) there's no place like home. I am strongly considering moving to Portland, Oregon, which is where I was born and where I have relatives and one dear old friend. It's a heck of a lot cheaper to live there and beautiful besides. I love my place, but it's up a flight of stairs and it's going to be inappropriate sooner or later.

Shy, as always, thank you for the work you do and the inspiration that you are.


Peregrine (sleepy and flying in circles)

PS: Jules, thanks again for getting my cape out of hock.

[Peregrine Magic]

Another disheartening development today. I discovered I don' t have the strength to mow the yard. [...] *sigh* not a good day today.

I'm sorry to hear this. I guess we cross posted. Damn.

Peregrine

[celtglen]

This community just gets better for me.

I too suffer/live with/ conquer on a day-by-day basis DISABILITY>>or other ability.

I had and still have some of the tumor (non cancerous for now) on my brain
I had a spinal cord injury
More tumors that thankfully are not cancerous but in places I would rather not talk about
And just the week before meeting Seattlegirlfriend broke my right arm to the point it will no longer be strong nor will it EVER straighten out fully again, and man does it hurt, and given my age (54) I am damned lucky I broke nothing more.

ALL of the above has done things to me, my image of me, my sense of my SELF.

I use to;
Spider Climb ( a form of Rock Climbing few do and takes all your strength)
Fence (yup sword play)
Dance like my father ( tall, sexy, in total control)
Hike for DAYS at a time
Fix cars for a fucking LIVING
Build damned near anything from wood
Canoe
READ (my eyes and or my mind is NOT retaining what I see on paper)
Not smoke cigarettes ( I know, I know but the pain I have is awful and numbing it with cigs is not good but all I can do for *right now* and yes I am working on stopping this)

And lastly I *use to* make heavy duty PASSIONATE LOVE without my legs going into spasm...and hurting like hell, and making me feel less a woman, less a BUTCH, less of a lover.

BUT The forces that BE, GOD/GODDESS Yewah or what have you has GIFTED ME with this wonderful woman who takes me for all that I am and sees me as what I was even though she didn't know me until after all this has happen to me.

I think it might be partly due to her training as a Doctor
Or it might be her being a Mom
Or it just MIGHT BE HER in HER entirety

Can this just be HER? Can there BE a woman who accepts me for everything I am and AM NOT???


LUCKY?
Don't I KNOW IT!

I have struggled and I have won, I don't know how I did this, maybe it's the BUTCH in me....

So to all you wonderful and SEXY FEMMES in this thread....you are not at all alone...and if I can hold you while you cry a bit...I should think that SG would not mind in the least...she knows my strength and knows the power of community...

so hang on tight

Butches are welcomed as well, of course...just stay off the toes of my boots! LOL!



Celt

[BlueMoonWolf]

Just a thought for those that are struggling to get things done with spring/ summer and house things...

Hire a student... a lot are hunting for little jobs that they can do aside from thier regular gigs to get tuition and book money for next semester. Here they do have an agency specifically for students to find summer jobs. Normally if it's just odd jobs you need help with you don't have to pay very much, just a fair wage.

Post an ad at your Gay and lesbian community center. there are a lot of people that are under employed and are always looking for ways to make ends met.. LOL kind of like us. again you don't have to pay much.

Barter with friends If you can cook and your friends are busy running around, offer an exchange...something they can take out of the freezer and toss in the oven in exchange for say 2 hours of lawn work (or whatever it is you need) Or if you are a really good kitchen organizer... offer to straighten out thier kitchen in exchange. Personally I am bartering with my friends to help me move and they can come use the pool at my new building when it's really hot out.

It's a win win situation, sometimes we all forget to look for help in the easy places first.

[Woodie69]

Hi Everyone,

I have to post about my neighbor (late 20's from Phili) who is a single father of a 4 yo little boy, Austin. Austin loves us, but really just loves Rosie (to the point of asking to take her in to school as his Show and Tell item of the week). This little guy can have anything he wants, and just has to ask me or Rosie. Rosie is the one who he gravitates too. He just loves her.

Anyway, my neighbor knowing how really bad my left arm is right now, has been acting as our handyman. He has never asked us for a dime, and refuses to take any money I offer him. God bless him. So, last week when I went to my cigar shop I picked him up cigars and accessories. He was stunned. I told him I would be lost without him helping me out, and how appreciative I was for his hard work. Well, last night he went out to dinner with his girlfriend to a seafood restaurant. He brought me home a dozen steamed hard crabs. I was totally surprised and shocked. He told me that he never had a neighbor who was queer before, and now knowing Rosie and myself, he feels so much more comfortable around those who are different. He said that I am like his role model. I had no clue. I am so flattered about this. I even told Rosie that I had no idea that we were even role models for anyone since most of society is totally against us.

I just wish my nieces and nephews could "see" this. I haven't seen them in years, and I do miss them and all aspects of their lives. My siblings suck.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend!

Much peace and love,
Andrew

P.S. Celt, welcome to our slice of heaven! I hope you will find some security here.

[ArchAngel Gabriel]

Thanks SHY,
beams.

Now if I can just get over this very funny sore throat thing I would be all right.

Today it is raining but my friend Barb came over and we got some of the hedge clipped and I took out the tree trying to grow in the middle of my rosebush.Barb is showing me how to do hedges and whatnot since I have no experience with this kind of stuff.

another friend gave Bud and me some red callas to plant and I will be getting some more hostas as well soon. The hosta I already planted and one pot of mint are growing nicely and seem to be liking this rain we are getting.

I would rather just get rid of all the hedge they planted since most of it is so darn close to the house but not my decision to make i think. I also want to plant peony bushes and a couple of lilacs and some honeysuckel and maybe a snowball bush.

I like it when i live in a pretty atmosphere.

anyone have an idea as to what to plant under the big old tree in the back yard? ground cover is a little sparse but not totally gone so I do get light there. How about tulips? and along the back house wall some of the calla's?


I like plants with color. anyhow back to resting a bit before doing much else

[Jules]

Today some friends of ours are getting together at one of their homes for a luau. Diana cooked up a storm, but dammit, I just couldn't get to feel well enough to go. This is the first time I've stayed home because I haven't felt well. To be quite honest, I'm afraid she might meet a healthy butch there and that terrifies me. Don't ask me why, because I'm not really sure. She's never done anything for me to doubt her love, I'm just afraid someone healthier will come along, and she'll realize how cooped up she's been because of me. As if you can't tell, I'm getting paranoid. and for no reason!

I'm also getting concerned about the move, getting the house together to sell...tell me anything, and I'll worry and fret over it.

I guess I'll end this pity party, sometimes my mind just doesn't work very good and I blame it on this clonazepam that I take before bed. It makes me goofy, and I know it scares her when I get that way. I can't remember the day, time, what we've done that day...its pretty scary.

OK, I'm done whining. I hope everyone is haveing a nice holiday weekend.

[Peregrine Magic]

Today some friends of ours are getting together at one of their homes for a luau. Diana cooked up a storm, but dammit, I just couldn't get to feel well enough to go. This is the first time I've stayed home because I haven't felt well. To be quite honest, I'm afraid she might meet a healthy butch there and that terrifies me. Don't ask me why, because I'm not really sure. She's never done anything for me to doubt her love, I'm just afraid someone healthier will come along, and she'll realize how cooped up she's been because of me. As if you can't tell, I'm getting paranoid. and for no reason!

You've been having a really hard time lately, a lot of us have, and you've got to be discouraged. But I haven't given up on your feeling much better. I really envision you healing, maybe through the care of a new doctor in Kansas, someone with a fresh take on your medical history.

I'm also certain that Diana loves you for who you are (not who you think you're supposed to be) and that she's not going anywhere. I get the feeling you can pick 'em better than I can...

Ah, relationships. Both unfortunately and fortunately my historical type-- withholding, self-centered guys with unresolvable mother issues-- isn't much interested in older women with terminal and/or degenerative illnesses. So I've publically given up, not without a genuine sense of relief that my personal surrealistic romantic comedy drama is very likely over. Still, though I refer to myself as a former queer, now retired, the truth is that if Prince Charming fell out of the sky and landed on me I'd be happy to cushion hys fall.

As Annie mentioned a while back in some thread, Friday was originally Freya's day, Freya being the Norse goddess of love, beauty and attraction, among many other things. Freya's day comes every week, not once a year like Valentines Day, so it's 52 times better in my opinion. I think I'll go light a red candle and say a little prayer to Her for all of us.

Peregrine-- whose last name isn't Magic for nuthin'

BTW, I do know it's Saturday...

[Holliday]

(((Jules)))

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I remember how anxious I was in my last relationship. I was always afraid that "this time" was going to be the one that sent her packing. Sometimes it kept me from being open about the amount of pain I was in. However, I think my ex-girlfriend was legitimately the type who didn't care to accept my health issues. It doesn't sound like Diana is that type of person.

Moral: Count your blessings!

Holliday
xox

Today some friends of ours are getting together at one of their homes for a luau. Diana cooked up a storm, but dammit, I just couldn't get to feel well enough to go. This is the first time I've stayed home because I haven't felt well. To be quite honest, I'm afraid she might meet a healthy butch there and that terrifies me. Don't ask me why, because I'm not really sure. She's never done anything for me to doubt her love, I'm just afraid someone healthier will come along, and she'll realize how cooped up she's been because of me. As if you can't tell, I'm getting paranoid. and for no reason!

I'm also getting concerned about the move, getting the house together to sell...tell me anything, and I'll worry and fret over it.

I guess I'll end this pity party, sometimes my mind just doesn't work very good and I blame it on this clonazepam that I take before bed. It makes me goofy, and I know it scares her when I get that way. I can't remember the day, time, what we've done that day...its pretty scary.

OK, I'm done whining. I hope everyone is haveing a nice holiday weekend.

[Holliday]

Thank you, Peregrine. I'm never going to look at Friday's the same way again.

I also liked reading what you had to say about chronic pain.

Holliday
xox

As Annie mentioned a while back in some thread, Friday was originally Freya's day, Freya being the Norse goddess of love, beauty and attraction, among many other things. Freya's day comes every week, not once a year like Valentines Day, so it's 52 times better in my opinion. I think I'll go light a red candle and say a little prayer to Her for all of us.

Peregrine-- whose last name isn't Magic for nuthin'

BTW, I do know it's Saturday...

[Shyfemmekat]

Hey, everybody. I am regaining my equilibrium after my daughter's college graduation (I hosted the associated party), a two week visit from my parents, and flying to New Mexico with my parents for my nephew's high school graduation. I think I got a sinus infection from the six hour (three stops but no exiting) plane ride coming back to California, and spent yesterday mostly lying about in my jammies. I've been exhausted and a bit worried it could be cancer related anemia coming back again.

I've read the last few days of posts, and I hope everyone is currently OK. I've been thinking about chronic pain, what it must be like to live with it. I've been in excruciating temporary pain (I gave birth to two LARGE babies and endured a particularly bad reaction to chemotherapy), but can't imagine what it's like to be in pain all of the time. I salute those of you who have to weigh your mental clarity against your pain levels.

Jules, I'm so glad to hear that your depression is lifting. How's it going with the move to Kansas? I think (ahem) there's no place like home. I am strongly considering moving to Portland, Oregon, which is where I was born and where I have relatives and one dear old friend. It's a heck of a lot cheaper to live there and beautiful besides. I love my place, but it's up a flight of stairs and it's going to be inappropriate sooner or later.

Shy, as always, thank you for the work you do and the inspiration that you are.


Peregrine (sleepy and flying in circles)

PS: Jules, thanks again for getting my cape out of hock.

Hey Precious P,

Glad you're home safely. And that cape looks good on you, dear. Love you much.

I have chronic pain. Every day something hurts. There is a constant level of achy, stiff and sore pain. I never know if it's fibromyalgia or MS. Now, of course, I also have the neuroma in the foot in the mix. Other times I have transient pain from other things. I am unable to sleep more then a few hours without waking up in pain so it's scarcely worth trying to lie down for more than 3-4 hours at a time.

Unfortunately this wreaks havoc on my moods and PTSD. So I have been a real bytch to live with. Rhon is going to be one of those angels some of us dream about when hy dies: leathers and big boots on a chromed out Fat Boy just roaring along. Yum.

Well, I'll be honest with y'all, I have been having a very tough time of it. My depression and PTSD is very bad these last few weeks. I've lost a lot of interest in things I use to love to do, like my garden, reading, etc., and some days it is a struggle to get out of bed. Some days when I try to pray it is almost impossible. I feel like I am hollering down a long dark hallway. I have a very hard time keeping my emotions under control, I am easily triggered and I get very angry very quickly.

So, I am going to be discussing some new medication options with my doctor on Tuesday. I guess there are some newer medications which tackle the depression and pain as well. That's a hopeful thought!

I'm still praying. I'm trying to keep at it. The wise and quirky Kyssme made a post somewhere on the site recently about gratitude lists so I did a little mental one today before I got out of bed. Thanks, Kyssme. I needed that. Also thanks to our new poster, celtglen, for a wonderful post on this thread:

When things go awry........
http://www.butch-femme.com/portal/fo...27#post2410927

Welcome to our little family here. Thank you also for the kind PM.

In my constant attempt to keep it real, I just wanted you to know how I am doing. I want to thank all of you for being here. It means SO much. I am going to get through this eventually.

SFK

[Jules]

Diana came home last night, said the party was fun, but everyone got pretty drunk, and since neither of us drink anymore, we have a hard time dealing with drunks, particularly our friends that could probably drink anyone under the table. Our friend Micky drinks only on Saturday nights if there's a party and I've seen he put away a 24 pack of Mick Lite. The interesting thing about that is she can maintain a sense of decorum, she's not a sloppy drunk like the rest of them are. That causes me to wonder if I was disgustling crazy drunk. I usually kept in control, but one can only drink so many martinis before it becomes "help me, I fallen off my bar stool and can't get up."

Thanks every one for the words of encouragement they really helped and we had a chat when Diana got home and I expressed my concerns to her, at which point she called me an idiot! She said she wouldn't have gone, except she cooked all this food and she knew we'd never get it eaten.

I so just love all you guys and supportivness of this thread. Thanks again..

[bigbadbutchdaddy]

hey, Jules...just catching up on my reading, and you are a riot...LOL

Of course, your lady loves you! Now I'm not saying I don't know how you feel.....I do! But it's fine, and that's good for you! Just wanted to say hi to you both and the puppy!
peacefulness and painlessness to you,
bbbD