Friend of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Tough as Marshmallow, thanks for the topic!

I was at a meeting yesterday and I was thinking to myself how grateful I am. This has been a powerful year for me and even when things are difficult I am still learning an awful lot. I am doing things with my work today that I never thought I would be able to do. I am excited by the progress I have been making. I have also been able to see my short comings as just that, short comings and not as disabilities that will cause me to be crippled the rest of my life. Seeing them this way gives me a great deal of hope and hope is the most precious stuff I know and I am always glad to have more of it.

Thank you for letting me share,

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

December 30

CARGO LOST, CARGO FOUND


I fill the pallet of a new year's sobriety and, when it has been accomplished, make a manifest and strap this pallet with the others on the flatbed of my life. The cargo is secure and weighty; there is ample pressure where the rubber meets the road. I maneuver my rig carefully. I feel assured as I stream with the traffic on the byways. The power and magnitude of my transport prompts in me overconfidence. I fail to realize variation in weather or road conditions can jeopardize my journey. Eighteen wheels make for a poor cantilever when traction is lost and top-heavy wins out. In losing the battle of gravity, inertia and control I realize the past is not a weight I need to haul; all that is necessary is the inventory. I slip the pages into my pocket and walk the rest of the way. I am my only freight.


Medicate with laughter and tears.

Sherrie

[softness]

Hi...I am relatively new to the BF posting.I usually find threads I want to post in by looking at the New Posts category and today Ifound this thread! I am so glad to have found this thread! I am 18 years clean and sober abd by the grace of my Higher Power, if it lasts until the16th, I will have 19 years! Every new years I reflect on the impact I have had on others, and how I have allowed others to impact me. This was a year of tremendous pain for me...both physical (was hit by a semi truck twice) and emotional (ended a bad relationship).But, it was also a year of many blessings. My daughter got engaged to a wonderful man. And I also found a wonderful butch to keep company with.

Since someone asked for discussion, may I suggest one? Let go,let god....may we talk about surrender?

[DallasLesbian]

Since someone asked for discussion, may I suggest one? Let go,let god....may we talk about surrender?

Ya know, the first time I had heard this, I thought to myself that it was a sure sign of weakness to surrender to anything. I soon learned that to surrender actually meant to "win". Until I was able to surrender to the power of alcohol, I was nothing more than a slave. Once I realized that it was a simple matter of turning it over to God to deal with, it made much more sense to me. Once I did that, God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. And, God has continued to do for me the things I can't do for myself... but only when I really turn it over and leave it alone. So today, I try my best to just leave it all up to God to deal with, because I haven't a clue as to what I'm doing. My best thinkin messed me and my life up.

[Diesel_Femme]

Welcome to the thread Kerry!

Thanks! Good to be here.

Ok, I'll admit - I do pop in and read this thread often and rarely post... picking a topic to get things going sounds like a great idea Sherrie. How about gratitude? That's usually a good one.

I always used to cringe when I heard this topic, and sometimes, I still do!

That's usually when something isn't going the way I want it to and I think my life sucks.

I am full of gratitude from another sober Christmas. It's nice being able to stick around at the family gathering without feeling like I need to run out the door to get my fix. I can actually enjoy being with my family now. I am also looking forward to a nice quiet New Years with sober friends - and God willing I'll be able to remember the whole thing the next day - imagine that!

I'm grateful that I can now actually have some sort of relationship with all my family members, on my terms and with my boundaries.

I'm also grateful for my home group. We've been struggling to keep it going lately - our membership has been really slim for a while. Tonight it was time for the meeting to start and there was only one other person there. Instead of packing things back up, we decided to talk about step one. It turned out to be a great meeting. I'm grateful that I get what I need even when it doesn't take the shape I want or expect it to.

I moved here about 3 years ago with 19 years of sobriety, and have had some trouble connecting with the recovery community here. I thought it would be easy!

I've tried both of the substance 12 step programs (really trying to stick with the traditions here) and just keep showing up. Even with long term recovery, I miss having a sponsor as I haven't found a sponsor here yet, either. The gratitude within all this is that it's good that there are a lot of meetings here that I can go to. The principles are the same, tho the faces may very. I have a solid foundation and continue to work my program to the best of my ability. (notice the dented halo?)

I am grateful that I re-joined the bf community and have found some recovering people here that I can relate to.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year. Thanks for your dedication to this thread Sherrie!

I also send out greetings for a happy, healthy, and sober new year! Kerry

[Diesel_Femme]

December 30

CARGO LOST, CARGO FOUND


I fill the pallet of a new year's sobriety and, when it has been accomplished, make a manifest and strap this pallet with the others on the flatbed of my life. The cargo is secure and weighty; there is ample pressure where the rubber meets the road. I maneuver my rig carefully. I feel assured as I stream with the traffic on the byways. The power and magnitude of my transport prompts in me overconfidence. I fail to realize variation in weather or road conditions can jeopardize my journey. Eighteen wheels make for a poor cantilever when traction is lost and top-heavy wins out. In losing the battle of gravity, inertia and control I realize the past is not a weight I need to haul; all that is necessary is the inventory. I slip the pages into my pocket and walk the rest of the way. I am my only freight.

Sherry - You just blow me away with your prose. I have to admit that I don't necessarily understand what you are trying to convey sometimes but your writing is a blessed gift to read - http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_4.gif Thanks! Kerry







http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp...p=ZNxdm117MSUS

[LeftWriteFemme]

[QUOTE=Diesel_Femme;2697234] Sherry - You just blow me away with your prose. I have to admit that I don't necessarily understand what you are trying to convey sometimes but your writing is a blessed gift to read - http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_4.gif Thanks! Kerry




Kerry,

You flatter me, thank you for reading, I know that sometimes I am difficult to understand. I am working to increase the transparency of my work. I am 194 pages into the new book and the first of my four editors will begin working on the new pages next week she said. I don't know exactly when the new book will be complete, but sometime this year is my hope. I dragged my feet through the publishing process of this book, but I am working diligently on those character defects and will be cooperative with the process this time and with the other completed book I have yet to get published.

Thank you for prompting the activity on this thread. I am so glad you are here and I have been pondering the new topics and will share on them later today.

I hope you have a safe and happy New Year's Eve. And thank you for sharing it means so much.

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

December 31

FAILED SOUP AND DISTRUST OF BURGUNDY



What keeps me coming back to meetings and step work is an abiding mistrust of booze. Despite promises and advertisement, hopes and folklore, I couldn’t rely on drinking to take me where I wanted to go and I surely couldn’t depend on it to keep me there. The struggle is great; the attempt to cling to salvation through decanter is mighty but in the end this joining of my chemistry to other chemistry failed miserably. No matter how I held my mouth, held my head, held my liquor, satisfaction escaped without me and I was left here in the soup of my disillusion and disappointment. Failure to cooperate fully with alcohol lead me to try sobriety as an alternative. I may not always succeed in my recovery, but I can draw dividends on every deposit and use this to build a path to my desires.

Make a private heaven with plenty of windows and doors.

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 1

THE COWS ARE HIGHER THAN THE HOUSE


I got sober only to end up living in a house where the cows are higher than the house. I mean, next to my house there is a hill. The hill is surrounded by a fence. The cows are pastured inside the fence. Standing on the hill, the cows are taller than the house.

I didn’t expect to live in a house where the cows were higher. I expected normal. I didn’t expect the cows at all. I expected the house, but not this house, and not here, next to this hill. I expected to tell people, "Come to my house. It’s at the end of the lane. It’s the one with the rose colored shutters." My sponsor wants to know why rose colored shutters are okay but cows overlooking the house are not. I can’t answer her. It’s just wrong; that’s all! I don’t know why she can’t understand this. It seems perfectly clear to me.

My sponsor says I am powerless over cows and my life is not unmanageable but my thinking is. She tells me to paint purple cows. To write stories about worse places for the cows to be. I tell her the tub. She says write it down. She’s no fun.

I heard in a meeting I should pray for the people and things I am upset about. I pray for the cows. My sponsor says the cows see how I live my life and she is sure the cows pray for me.


Write a letter to the moon


Sherrie

[Tommi]

I receive the Daily Om email and thought it just fit here ..today... it has some good stuff. I especially like "Like cycles in nature, there are periods of obvious growth and periods of dormancy that signal a time of waiting for the right moment to burst forth."

My life has been one hell-of a cycle ride..Happy New Year everyone..and to the Lady that keeps the light on...Bless you

January 1, 2008
Starting New
A Moment Of Choice

There are times in our lives that lend themselves to starting something new. The beginning of a new year, finishing school, leaving a job, or changing homes—these all are times that turn our minds to fresh starts. Their advantage is that they bring with them the energy of that event, creating a tide of change around them that we can ride to our next shoreline. But we can choose to start anew anytime. In any moment we can decide that a bad day or a relationship that’s gotten off on the wrong foot can be started again. It is a mental shift that allows us to clean the slate and approach anything with fresh eyes, and we can make that choice at any time.

Starting new is most powerful when we focus our attention to what we are choosing to create. Giving all of our attention to the unwanted aspects of our lives allows what we resist to persist. We need to remember to leave enough room in the process of new beginnings to be kind to ourselves, because it takes time to become accustomed to anything new, no matter how much we like it. There is no need to get down on ourselves if we don't reach our new goals instantly. Instead, we acknowledge the forward motion and choose to reset and start again, knowing that with each choice we learn, grow, and move forward.

Making the choice to start anew has its own energy—it's a promise made to you. The forward momentum creates a sort of vacuum behind it, pulling toward you all you need to help you continue moving in your chosen direction. Once the journey has begun, it may take unexpected turns, but it never really ends. Like cycles in nature, there are periods of obvious growth and periods of dormancy that signal a time of waiting for the right moment to burst forth. Each time we choose to start anew we dedicate ourselves to becoming the best we are able to be

[softness]

starting anew still gives me a hard time sometimes....change can be very difficult for me, especially the older I get.I tend to be..uhmmm...tenacious? Thats the sweet way my butch says I am stubborn...lol.I keep close to me the old saying "pain is inevitable...suffering is optional" as a reminder that I am the one in control of my angst over change....

[LeftWriteFemme]

Since someone asked for discussion, may I suggest one? Let go,let god....may we talk about surrender?

Thank you for the topic:

Let God Do What?


I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time. I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children. It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured. If only I was likable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what? Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me. What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me. By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist. Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them. And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me.

Thank you for letting me share,

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 2

SPRUCE



The gum that grows in trees and trickles down bark, that is harvested and chewed, spit out and sticks to shoes, is the very stuff that mimics my life. I race with vitality, burst my confines, am ruminated and masticated by various onlookers and then adhere myself to anyone I feel will carry me to a more advantageous venue. I needn’t apologize for my fluid nature or viscosity. I am just as I should be, always where and what I am, and at the same time, on my way to somewhere and something else.


Make a collage from junk mail


Sherrie

[softness]

I battled with the xtian concept of god from the get go in recovery. I went from teenage exloration of drinking to full fledged addiction after my brother committed suicide with a double barreled shot gun. It was horrific to be a family member left behind...to watch parents suffer as they did.His was alcohol based as well....and damn I was pissed at him for going away. I refused to deal with his death for 15 years, living in a drunken momentum, while the "affects"of an alcohol lead life took its toll on me. Sorrow begets sorrow.AND, it didnt help when people told me my brother was going toburn in hell for killing himself....I was PISSED at that god and wanted nothing to do with him or his righteous followers. To this day, I detest morally righteous people. My brother suffered before he died and he sought god out to help him and on his death bed he had a bible opened....so to think he would be shunned by that god...well....I drank my anger for fifteen years...

and then one day I realized I had put myself into so much jeopardy, had focused so much on HIM, and that I wasnt focusing on what was my own issues (my coming out, mostly). So I started into recovery...and started to heal from his death as well as all the trauma I had caused myself and others, along the way.

But god and I had to tango....

I eventually found I had ancestral roots to druidism. I actually come from a long like of druids from the Carpathian mountains near Russia.Paganism fits nicely into my life philosophy and the witch's rede(I borrow from alot of religions) "to no one, harm" is a life credo for me.

But, I am still a human being and I make mistakes and sometimes I want to be vindictive especially when I feel I have done no harm,or that I am right, Then I find myself sometimes fuming or fussing....

its then when I do my nightly and morning prayers, that I have to "tune into" the emotions that are really driving me...and get back to my basics of letting go and letting god....which when I am off base is SOOOO hard to do....

but I get there...

it also helps to pray for good for whoever I am angry with...my oh my, Ipryaed for my brother for years before I could actually feel softness toward him....but I do now. So ....everything and everyone else should be alot easier than what I went thru with him..lol.....

all done..thanks for letting me share...

Thank you for the topic:

Let God Do What?


I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time. I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children. It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured. If only I was likable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what? Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me. What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me. By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist. Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them. And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me.

Thank you for letting me share,

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 3

I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS GOING TO THE CIRCUS

I show up at a meeting. I didn’t know the circus was in town. I expected calm, demure, sober behavior. My expectations were dashed, my bubble burst. There were people streaming back and forth in front of the speaker; there were kids playing among the chairs. Smokers worked the meeting in shifts, hustling out the back door and smoldering back in. The side conversations rivaled the main attraction. People dressed for the street not for the meeting. The 'bippy shirt, tights, and no skirt' was more of a high wire act than I had ever seen before. Shock cannot even begin to describe the state of my mind.
“But for the grace of God,” said my sponsor.
“No,” I said. “It’s a choice, they’re sober now.”
“Oh, yes,” she remarked.
“Weren’t you sober when you took on every man with time, looking for a fight with each of them?”
“I was cutting my chops. They understood.”
“Some of them didn’t,” said she. “Weren’t you sober when you dyed your hair red, but only half?”
“I was afraid I’d dye my scalp, so I started lower.”
“Yes, but aren’t you the one who says sudden hair color change is a sign of instability in your sobriety?”
“Yes, I do,” I replied.
“I think you would have fit well with the circus, you and your two-tone hair, but you didn’t hear it from me.”
“You’re being mean.”
“And what are you being?”
“Judgmental.”
“That’s my girl! What are you going to do about it?”
“Be grateful. Grateful I got in quick enough, grateful people let me work things out in the rooms, and grateful I still have something to learn from everyone.”
“Kiss up.”
“That’s me.”

Hold a rock in your hand until you warm it

Sherrie

[ToughAsMarshmallow]

Great posts!

I thought I'd add my two cents on this topic... Step three was the hardest step for me. I went back and forth for a long long time between believing and not believing, between praying and being defiant. I knew that the God of my childhood was not going to work for me. Just the word "God" left me feeling creaped out. I have always had an interest in reading about other religions, Bhuddism, Taoism, Wicca, the list goes on. But when it came down to it, I couldn't put my finger on what it was that I believed. I thought I needed to define it -to understand it, and I tried for a long time to do just that.

I finally decided that it was okay if I couldn't explain it to people. It was okay if I didn't understand it myself. For me, I just need to know that I believe in my higher power and that I can trust that power to keep me from a drink and a drug on a daily basis.

Now, the letting go. What a great topic! I decided to quit smoking (again). It's been just over three hours and I am driving myself insane. Then I remembered seeing this topic in here the other day... duh!! Why am I not relying on my higher power to get me through this. Why not apply the principles of a program that I know works for me? So, I am going to start taking things a few minutes at a time for now (that's all I can handle) - and praying to my higher power to remove the desire for a cigarette. I am sick of being controlled by the desire to smoke, just as I was sick of being controlled by alcoholism.

Just posing in here brought me a bit of serenity this morning. Thanks everyone for posting your thoughts and thanks Softness for the topic!

[Tracey]

Hi, I'm Tracey and I'm an Alcoholic and an Addict. . . seems like I've been saying this alot the past 60 days! Jan. 9th is my 60 day sobriety birthday. This was also my first New Year's sober! Yeah me!

I'm glad I found this thread and just wanted to say hello. It feels good to find my "people" here since they are not really at my meetings. I hope to be active and will do my "homework" to back read the entire thread so I don't miss anything!!

THANKS FOR BEING HERE!!

[LeftWriteFemme]

Tracy,


Welcome!!!!!!! I am so glad you are here. Happy 60 Days!!!!!! I hope you enjoy the thread, it is my home here on the site I hope you feel at home here too!

Sherrie

[ToughAsMarshmallow]

Hi, I'm Tracey and I'm an Alcoholic and an Addict. . . seems like I've been saying this alot the past 60 days! Jan. 9th is my 60 day sobriety birthday. This was also my first New Year's sober! Yeah me!

I'm glad I found this thread and just wanted to say hello. It feels good to find my "people" here since they are not really at my meetings. I hope to be active and will do my "homework" to back read the entire thread so I don't miss anything!!

THANKS FOR BEING HERE!!

Welcome to the thread Tracy! Congratulations on your first 60 days.

[Tracey]

Thank you! It's been tough, and I have been doing alot of grieving the loss of my drinking. Last Saturday I had a screaming hissy fit over it. Why can't I drink like everyone else, it's not fair, etc, etc. pity poor me. I went to the Big Book and did my Serenity and got over it I like to tell myself 'buck up' and the Book helps me do that 'bucking up"!!!

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 4

THE FLOCK



Today I came to a place in the road covered with birds. The nearby fields, covered in birds, the trees covered. As I approached, the birds took wing. The flock responded to my presence; each bird flew, the sky darkened with their flight. Wave upon wave, boundaries intact, taking action in the face of obstacle. The gift of instinct displayed for me as I fly to my meeting, my instinct rehab. I am learning my intuition; my sponsor spoons it to me from the steps. I suck it down never knowing what it is about this process that makes me better, anymore then I know how grain and bugs make birds fly. I have theories, things I roll in my fingers when I’m nervous. I get glimmers, things my Higher Power sparkles in my eyes for a treat. In truth, I don’t know ‘how’ I don’t need to know, anymore than birds need to know lift to weight ratios.
When I respond to life events, when I spend less time self-concerned, I am so much closer to self.
“Aren’t we spiritually centered?” quips my sponsor.
“Yes,” I reply. “One day in a row, I’m going for the record.”
“That’s all the birds have; you’re doing as well as they,” she smiles and pats my back.


Say hello the next time a bee seeks you out


Sherrie

[ToughAsMarshmallow]

January 4

THE FLOCK



Today I came to a place in the road covered with birds. The nearby fields, covered in birds, the trees covered. As I approached, the birds took wing. The flock responded to my presence; each bird flew, the sky darkened with their flight. Wave upon wave, boundaries intact, taking action in the face of obstacle. The gift of instinct displayed for me as I fly to my meeting, my instinct rehab. I am learning my intuition; my sponsor spoons it to me from the steps. I suck it down never knowing what it is about this process that makes me better, anymore then I know how grain and bugs make birds fly. I have theories, things I roll in my fingers when I’m nervous. I get glimmers, things my Higher Power sparkles in my eyes for a treat. In truth, I don’t know ‘how’ I don’t need to know, anymore than birds need to know lift to weight ratios.
When I respond to life events, when I spend less time self-concerned, I am so much closer to self.
“Aren’t we spiritually centered?” quips my sponsor.
“Yes,” I reply. “One day in a row, I’m going for the record.”
“That’s all the birds have; you’re doing as well as they,” she smiles and pats my back.


Say hello the next time a bee seeks you out


Sherrie

That was just the one I needed today Sherrie! Thanks for all your bits of wisdom and for the message of support.

I have now survived 31 hours and 23 minutes without a cigarette (not that I'm counting). It's funny really. Yesterday morning I was a wreck. Three hours in and I was going insane and wondering how on earth I was going to make it through without giving up. Then while typing that last post, I decided to give it over to my HP. Just like that, the insanity disappeared and was replaced with that nice calm serenity I adore. It still amazes me how long it can take for me to remember that I can apply the steps in any situation... you know, like step 12 tells me to do. Then, I am still utterly amazed when it works.

So, of course that got me thinking - why does it work? My brain went off for a while pondering that. Then I poked my head in to see what was new in here and voiloa! I don't need to know how or why. I just need to know that it does.

Today has been a little easier than yesterday. With each new craving or spurt of insanity, I take a minute to ask my Higher Power to remove the obsession. I give my will back. It's working and I don't care why.

[Diesel_Femme]

Hi, I'm Tracey and I'm an Alcoholic and an Addict. . . seems like I've been saying this alot the past 60 days! Jan. 9th is my 60 day sobriety birthday. This was also my first New Year's sober! Yeah me!

I'm glad I found this thread and just wanted to say hello. It feels good to find my "people" here since they are not really at my meetings. I hope to be active and will do my "homework" to back read the entire thread so I don't miss anything!!

THANKS FOR BEING HERE!!

Tracey - welcome and congrats on your 60 days!

My anniversary is on Jan 21 and I will celebrate 22 years, so it does work (if I work it)! I always find amazement and gratitude when I have an anniversary. I also sometimes get a little "squirrel-ly" around this time. It blows me away that I have been sober this long, it's truly incredible! I couln't have done it without program and my life is based on the 12 step foundation. I'm glad I found it, glad I kept coming back, and glad that I found a way to live. Kerry

[LeftWriteFemme]

That was just the one I needed today Sherrie! Thanks for all your bits of wisdom and for the message of support.

I have now survived 31 hours and 23 minutes without a cigarette (not that I'm counting). It's funny really. Yesterday morning I was a wreck. Three hours in and I was going insane and wondering how on earth I was going to make it through without giving up. Then while typing that last post, I decided to give it over to my HP. Just like that, the insanity disappeared and was replaced with that nice calm serenity I adore. It still amazes me how long it can take for me to remember that I can apply the steps in any situation... you know, like step 12 tells me to do. Then, I am still utterly amazed when it works.

So, of course that got me thinking - why does it work? My brain went off for a while pondering that. Then I poked my head in to see what was new in here and voiloa! I don't need to know how or why. I just need to know that it does.

Today has been a little easier than yesterday. With each new craving or spurt of insanity, I take a minute to ask my Higher Power to remove the obsession. I give my will back. It's working and I don't care why.

Tough as Marshmallow,

I know just what you mean about picking up tools. It's like I know I have a hammer in the drawer, in fact I have two, so, why oh, why do I feel compelled to hit things with the heel of my shoe? I wish I could say I have done this a handful of times, unfortunately, I have done it over and over, it's hell on my shoes!

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 5


THE BAG


I saw a bag at the top of a tall tree. Full of air, the wind pushing it. It rocked back and forth, held by the stub of a branch. It is so beautiful, so lucky, so blessed.
My sponsor frowns. “Beautiful, yes,” she says. “Lucky and blessed? Convince me.”
“The bag is lucky; it could be on my doorknob, holding garbage. Blessed? It’s free, not a care in the world, supported aloft by the strength of the tree.
“Inside your house, it’s warm. Holding garbage is useful. Lucky to be out in the cold, no purpose, no one needing your help? Blessed? Caught on a tree, trapped, sharp twigs everywhere ready to shred you, beaten by the wind?”
“You're playing devil's advocate.”
“I do it well. What are you playing? You want to be free. What is free? You want to know for sure you’re on the right path. You think the bag knows?”
“If I were the bag, I might be mad. I might condemn the forces filling me so full I can only feel the force itself. I might be exhilarated, overtaken, free from responsibility. I might feel isolated, unstable 40 feet in the air. I might feel punished, abandoned, dismissed. I could feel a thousand different things.”
“And on the days the wind doesn’t blow?”
“Oh.”

Imitate all the animal calls you know


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 6

MARIAN




Even if the whole world was created in a cipher and whirls off into nothingness, this is still not a commentary on the existence of God. We have today. For this moment of sobriety there is a power greater than my despair, my apprehension and it builds with me a home from the bricks of my optimism. Partnership is no prevention of inhospitable endings but is a temporary relief from desperate loneliness. The tired struggle of guaranteeing niceness spills my energy, scraping from each 24 the marrow so necessary. My open palm saves me from grasping, my open mind from grappling; I rid myself of tiny gods in tiny heavens where I do not reside. Let the blades of grass probe between my toes; there is beauty for me to see, love to hold, hope to float. Where this train originated and whatever its destination, it’s in my station now and I am grateful to be on board.


Leave your outgrown shell for the sea to take


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

Happy Anniversary

Tommi!!!!!!!

31 years of continous sobriety and still ticking!!

I am so proud to be your girl!

All my love is yours,

Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

Happy Anniversary Tommi! Wishing you a rich and full celebration of your sober self today and every day.
And your girl ROCKS too!
Hugs,
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

Thanks Cathy! You rock too, Sweetheart! Hey how are your New Year's changes going? I hope they are going well!!!!

Femme kisses,

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 7

HELP FROM STRANGE SOURCES


I can not get my mind wrapped around the places I find help. I struggle with believing I have been helped; I struggle with disbelief at my own resistance. I am helped daily by many tiny things seen and unseen. I realize now, I was injured by the same tiny things when I was misaligned with my Higher Power.
The sun rising, the tiny star I circle in this great nothingness, it makes my whole day. The air hanging around just in case I need it, which I often do. The people who live with me (a mean feat), work with me, those who exist here with me, keep my ship on course. How very sweet of them to do mostly right every day of their lives. What a help that is. The whole ecosystem and all the weather: what would I do without it? But this is on a good day.
On a bad day, the sun is in my eyes, scorching my skin. The air is too still or well, the wind is always a problem. And People, people are an endless plight. People do things to hurt, annoy and irritate me. Full intent, targeted to me, my life, my wants destroyed. Bugs seek me and I am followed by the darkest cloud, every day, all day lurking.
I am so thankful for a sponsor and a tenth step.


Name your tears; honor them for who they are


Sherrie

[Diesel_Femme]

Happy Anniversary

Tommi!!!!!!!

31 years of continous sobriety and still ticking!!

I am so proud to be your girl!

All my love is yours,

Sherrie

Yes, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Kerry

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 8

OLD GOLDFISH



I got them when my sobriety was new. They were tiny little guys, ten-cent feeders. I wanted my stepson to sleep soundly in our strange jumble of a home, fresh from purchase. The tank sat on a dresser under his elevated bed, space to fit my hand to feed them, no space for baby boy to climb in. I loved my goldfish. There is never a no with gold fish; feed them as often as you want; let the water get cold. Put them in a big space, a small space, plants, no plants. No was so hard. I hate and fear no. I am hard, fish are easy.
Tears and mesmerizing aquarium. Meetings and steps. I could not keep myself alive. I don’t know how I kept the fish fed. The program kept me going, kept hope flowing, and the fish swam. In this century, when we finally are outliving wild goldfish, we are sober together by the grace of our Higher Power. It’s been a wonderful time. I am grateful to be here with the goldfish. I am grateful the goldfish are here for me, expecting so little. Maybe I could return the favor.
“I’m grateful you appreciate the fish,” says my sponsor.


Find a bell to ring

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 9

IN A BACKWATER



There is a place so removed, uninspired, ignorance flourishes. I hate to go there. I avoid it when I can. Today I could not avoid it. Today I saw the gable end of a small barn, half hidden in the scrub trees. On the face of the gable end are two plywood cutouts, large, taking up the major portion of the space. The first cutout is a budgie, a bright blue parakeet, 7 or 8 feet tall. Tilted to its side, it looks dyslexic, but intriguing. Above it is a cutout of a black guitar, similar length, hanging long ways across the top, almost from eave to eave. I don’t know what it means, why they are there, who could have put them there.
A story’s tongue is sticking out at me; I can hardly bear it. I think of God, and laugh. If my God has nothing better to do than tease me, I need a better God. I think of my Higher Power and wonder if the power is curious, too. Am I overlapping a layer of consciousness I have no part in? Is this a subliminal preview of my future? Or am I far too nosy for my own good? My sponsor says the latter. I just don’t know. It could be something all together different. I have only time. Time will tell in the end; it always does. I hate to wait.


Compare and contrast eggplant and green beans.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 10

BREAKING MY OWN GLASS



The police of a small town caught a serial glass breaker today. The man who owned a plate glass repair shop was breaking store front windows. I break my own. I go through my life; I slash my own tires and break my own glass. I fear continuity, stability, success. I love damage control, making arts and crafts from my slivers and shards.
“Think what you could do with undamaged goods,” says my sponsor.
I don’t know how to do anything with undamaged goods, except damage them or give them to others.
“Saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” she counters.
“Stick around,” I tease.
I can make a quilt from discarded clothes, mosaics from shattered dishes, collage from junk mail. I can hold your hand and cheer you on. See the potential in every person in a crowded hall. Rescue every stray on the block.
“What have you done for you lately?” my sponsor taunts.
She is making my point. What can I do for me? Search and destroy? Live outside myself? I have to be sober to be me. I can’t go around making messes so I have something familiar to wallow in. What if I can’t do anything fresh?
“Learn to market the retreads,” she says.


Watch an old thing in a new way.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

January 10

BREAKING MY OWN GLASS



The police of a small town caught a serial glass breaker today. The man who owned a plate glass repair shop was breaking store front windows. I break my own. I go through my life; I slash my own tires and break my own glass. I fear continuity, stability, success. I love damage control, making arts and crafts from my slivers and shards.
“Think what you could do with undamaged goods,” says my sponsor.
I don’t know how to do anything with undamaged goods, except damage them or give them to others.
“Saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” she counters.
“Stick around,” I tease.
I can make a quilt from discarded clothes, mosaics from shattered dishes, collage from junk mail. I can hold your hand and cheer you on. See the potential in every person in a crowded hall. Rescue every stray on the block.
“What have you done for you lately?” my sponsor taunts.
She is making my point. What can I do for me? Search and destroy? Live outside myself? I have to be sober to be me. I can’t go around making messes so I have something familiar to wallow in. What if I can’t do anything fresh?
“Learn to market the retreads,” she says.


Watch an old thing in a new way.


Sherrie

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} Dear friend, you have really made my heart surge with courage this morning. Thank you so much!
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

Cathy,

I am so glad I could be of help to you! What courageous thing are you about to do???

Oh, hey, I just was asked to speak at the Red Door Promises meeting in Chelsea, I am very excited. Maybe we could do something after, if you are available.....I don't have the date yet, but I will keep you posted.

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 11

LONELINESS EATS MY LUNCH


There are days loneliness eats my lunch and I can’t fight back. How can I stand it? How can it still be this bad? I pull out the old chestnuts: If I’m not happy with what I have, how could I be happier with more? And, Even tickets on the fifty yard line don’t interest me; I came to play! I roll them around. I think of the other slogans, the tidbits, the smiles and hugs. Still, there are days my lunch is gulped down and I sit with my plate empty. Pickle juice, coleslaw drool is small comfort. Actually, it’s a jeer. I stare at my empty plate. I turn it and twist it. I stick out my tongue at it.
“You're good company,” says my sponsor.
Then why am I alone? If I’m so good, if my company is worthwhile, why do I sit here hungry and desperate?
“Are you sure you are?”
It sure feels that way.
“Well it might be true.”
And it might not. I get it. I am unhooked from myself; I’m ignoring the multitude at my elbow, looking for someone in my lap. I’m holding out for old terms from a new contract. I am loved by people who aren’t trying to consume me and I am letting my expectations dine for free.


Imagine who the wind visited before you and who it is on its way to visit now.

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

January 12

LIFE IS TOO GOOD




I know it sounds crazy. Is crazy. But I hate having the fear, the gnawing gut of “what if I can’t maintain this”? The sober life I live, what if I get struck unable to connect to my Higher Power? I had a spiritual awakening; what if I get spiritual narcolepsy? My spiritual cord was cut when I was young, not by my choosing. What if it’s cut again?
“What if this line of thinking cuts it?” asks my sponsor
I hate when she’s right. What if this is the test? Be like them or not. Follow the path of the twelve steps when there is no weight of need pushing me. I have to keep my eye on the ball for myself when everything is going in my direction. I’m still not God. This is the lesson the abusers never learned. The one I have to.
“This has been a prelude to a decision,” says she.
What decision?
“What went wrong was not bad people making bad choices in bad circumstances. It was disconnected people making decisions without help.”
I have to stay in your pocket. Never be a free bird. I have to remember what true freedom is. It’s not being cut loose. I had that and it never felt free.
“Keep your eye on the ball; hold onto my hand.”


Read a children’s book to yourself.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

January 12

LIFE IS TOO GOOD




I know it sounds crazy. Is crazy. But I hate having the fear, the gnawing gut of “what if I can’t maintain this”? The sober life I live, what if I get struck unable to connect to my Higher Power? I had a spiritual awakening; what if I get spiritual narcolepsy? My spiritual cord was cut when I was young, not by my choosing. What if it’s cut again?
“What if this line of thinking cuts it?” asks my sponsor
I hate when she’s right. What if this is the test? Be like them or not. Follow the path of the twelve steps when there is no weight of need pushing me. I have to keep my eye on the ball for myself when everything is going in my direction. I’m still not God. This is the lesson the abusers never learned. The one I have to.
“This has been a prelude to a decision,” says she.
What decision?
“What went wrong was not bad people making bad choices in bad circumstances. It was disconnected people making decisions without help.”
I have to stay in your pocket. Never be a free bird. I have to remember what true freedom is. It’s not being cut loose. I had that and it never felt free.
“Keep your eye on the ball; hold onto my hand.”


Read a children’s book to yourself.


Sherrie

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} I can't tell you how timely this one is for me just now. Well, even if I do find myself yet again an emotional basket case ... it's all actually quite good. Shall PM you about meeting up at that meeting where you're speaking! Big hugs and some
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} I can't tell you how timely this one is for me just now. Well, even if I do find myself yet again an emotional basket case ... it's all actually quite good. Shall PM you about meeting up at that meeting where you're speaking! Big hugs and some
Cathy

((((((((((((((((Cathy))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry about your emotional basket case, but I'm glad you are making it work in your favor. I got your PM and will let you know Date, Time, Location as soon as I know. I can't wait to see you. I am grateful that my writing is helpful, I always hope for that, but it's great to hear, thank you for telling me. Femme kisses and a Big Hug!

Sherrie