Friend of Bill W.

[TenderKnight]

Congrats on your 9 months! I'll have 8 next week...

Right on

One looooong day at a time, eh?

Sometimes it ain't such a long day though

Thank you

*edit* that is supposed to be a thumbs up.. lmao.. aha well

[PearlsNLace]

This may sound wierd to you, but heres my deal

So Ive relocated (again) to another state. Its time to go meeting shopping and all that rot.

Am I the only one that hates this process?

I know the rooms are the rooms are the rooms.

But no matter what environment Im in, and sadly the rooms be no exception,
I have an akwardness about walking into a group of new faces.


I feel like after all this time, I should be WAAAY over this by now. But the fact is, Im not.
Im just not.

I feel like a newbie, without the shakes. And I have all the catch phrases memorized allready.

[pilgrimpoet]

This may sound wierd to you, but heres my deal

So Ive relocated (again) to another state. Its time to go meeting shopping and all that rot.

Am I the only one that hates this process?

I know the rooms are the rooms are the rooms.

But no matter what environment Im in, and sadly the rooms be no exception,
I have an akwardness about walking into a group of new faces.


I feel like after all this time, I should be WAAAY over this by now. But the fact is, Im not.
Im just not.

I feel like a newbie, without the shakes. And I have all the catch phrases memorized allready.

I so identify with this. I have to force myself to get my hand up when the chair asks if there is anyone at the meeting for the first time. But I do because I need to connect with the program. In time it passes. Not being a newcomer, of course, makes it all the weirder, doesn't it? (Or should that be more weird? Either way ....)
Pats on the back for doing what you need to do, and hugs to bring along with you as you explore these new meetings in this new place.

Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 26

SCREAMING LETHARGY



The screaming lethargy of being alive after many years of wanting something else, the exhaustion of pulsing, breathing, waves and waves of thinking. Yet as tired as I am, I am. Here without a doubt, I stand. No crawling for I have not fallen, no climbing for I have reached the plain. I wait for the rain to wash over me, the truth to run through me, time to pass by me. As if on a free trip to an unwelcome destination I arrive with randomly packed bags and low expectations. I’m here now. The train doesn’t seem to be moving on. I might as well leave the station, nothing to do on the platform. There may be points of interest or flowers to be smelled. I step haltingly and fear making any connection to this unbidden place. My name is unknown; I befriend the lamppost, the birds, the street. I am tired of travel, fearful of arrival. Fury courses through my veins but the weather is pleasant, I might take off my coat and stay.


Plan a trip with no destination.


Sherrie

[TenderKnight]

This may sound wierd to you, but heres my deal

So Ive relocated (again) to another state. Its time to go meeting shopping and all that rot.

Am I the only one that hates this process?

I know the rooms are the rooms are the rooms.

But no matter what environment Im in, and sadly the rooms be no exception,
I have an akwardness about walking into a group of new faces.


I feel like after all this time, I should be WAAAY over this by now. But the fact is, Im not.
Im just not.

I feel like a newbie, without the shakes. And I have all the catch phrases memorized allready.

Hello

I identify with this as well.. I haven't been home (North Carolina) since I've been sober but when I do go back for a visit, I plan on getting to at least a few meetings there.. I am in San Diego right now the meetings I go to are way Gay and trans friendly.. It kinda scares the bejesus out of me to think about walking into a room in the Deep South where my family is.. I guess it's a comfort zone thing..

As far as being a visitor to a new meeting.. I kinda like it, because it's almost like when I first started going to meetings as a new comer.. Again, without the shakes and the sniffling in the back row.. LOL.. But it's that new feeling and having folks come up to me after the meeting or hearing new stories and new experience.. I guess that may sound a lil weird.. I just remember feeling so *loved* when I first came in.. so supported, you know? Like I'd come home..

*shrugs*

Maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it

Love and Light,
Tony

[PearlsNLace]

Hello

I guess that may sound a lil weird.. I just remember feeling so *loved* when I first came in.. so supported, you know? Like I'd come home..


Tony

Oh Tony, thats exactly what I got to feel tonight. Surrounded, blanketed, Wall to Wall in a crowded room full of folks who "get" me. Trans folk, gender queer folk, gay guys, dykes of all variations, and not to leave them out Bi folk to-

No explanations needed. Welcome home.
Got handed some digits without asking. Got people looking me in the eye, telling me to come to the meetin' on monday. (not asking. GODDESS THANK you for crusty burly old butch women with more gruff than manners) Was fed dinner ( a pot luck meeting whoo Hoo) Fairies held my hand and told me with sincerity that it was great to meet me. I felt embraced and welcomed and so at ease. Um....once the meeting was over and everybody got social, that is.
And the meeting? What is it about hearing those promises, that feels like a prayer? I cant be the only one that feels that way. It has been so many different kinds of prayers for me. A prayer of hope "please let me feel that, please please please" and a Prayer of suprise and joy "why, I have some of that!" and a prayer of gratitude "Thank you for allowing me that" and its cycular for me. It feels familiar, as grounding as the reptition of hail marys and as validating as a repetitive welcoming benidiction.

I am so greatful for the journey that is AA. Do you think sober people miss out on this? How exactly do normies get what we have through our fellowship? I know of nothing nothing nothing else like it.

Dona Nobis Pachem Ya'all.

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 27

PIROUETTES



I turn and spin; the world flashes as I go. I am erect, proud of my self-possession. I can stand the forces of vector rotation, public opinion and gravity. Sobriety has made a dancer out of me. I sprint the stage and take my place. I know the moves and trust, as best I can, the choreographer and the choreography. I feel the wind move on my body as I revolve, the blur of existence spreads out before me. I can let it all pass. To spot myself and keep my upright posture, the only place that requires my clear and unobstructed view is the line of sight from my sponsor’s eyes to mine.


Let your work speak.



Sherrie

[damselindistress]

This may sound wierd to you, but heres my deal

So Ive relocated (again) to another state. Its time to go meeting shopping and all that rot.

Am I the only one that hates this process?

I know the rooms are the rooms are the rooms.

But no matter what environment Im in, and sadly the rooms be no exception,
I have an akwardness about walking into a group of new faces.


I feel like after all this time, I should be WAAAY over this by now. But the fact is, Im not.
Im just not.

I feel like a newbie, without the shakes. And I have all the catch phrases memorized allready.

I think we can all relate to this darling...lord knows I can having relocated 4 times in my sober years. All I can share with you is what's been given to and worked for me. That is find a meeting you feel comfortable in and TAKE a commitment ASAP! That way you have to go back what happens then is you become " a part of" !! Amazing how it works huh.....it does it really does

Happy Sobriety!

[Tommi]

Oh Tony, thats exactly what I got to feel tonight. Surrounded, blanketed, Wall to Wall in a crowded room full of folks who "get" me. Trans folk, gender queer folk, gay guys, dykes of all variations, and not to leave them out Bi folk to-

No explanations needed. Welcome home.
Got handed some digits without asking. Got people looking me in the eye, telling me to come to the meetin' on monday. (not asking. GODDESS THANK you for crusty burly old butch women with more gruff than manners) Was fed dinner ( a pot luck meeting whoo Hoo) Fairies held my hand and told me with sincerity that it was great to meet me. I felt embraced and welcomed and so at ease. Um....once the meeting was over and everybody got social, that is.
And the meeting? What is it about hearing those promises, that feels like a prayer? I cant be the only one that feels that way. It has been so many different kinds of prayers for me. A prayer of hope "please let me feel that, please please please" and a Prayer of suprise and joy "why, I have some of that!" and a prayer of gratitude "Thank you for allowing me that" and its cycular for me. It feels familiar, as grounding as the reptition of hail marys and as validating as a repetitive welcoming benidiction.

I am so greatful for the journey that is AA. Do you think sober people miss out on this? How exactly do normies get what we have through our fellowship? I know of nothing nothing nothing else like it.

Dona Nobis Pachem Ya'all.

Wonder that myself PearlsNLace. Glad you were surrounded by those that get it. In all my travels and travails, I am always able to find that place where they Get It..and I feel like I have come home, no matter where or what night of the week it may be. Thanks for the reminder.

Tommi

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 28

LINEAGE



People stand in the cue and I stare, lost in contemplation and compliance. I weigh the conflicts and complications. Is this the method to clear identification? I think I am better known for the lines I’ve crossed, the times I press between warm souls and force myself to the area beyond. How can I wait my turn for generational stew when the fruit trees bear life for those who break free from ruts and rumbles to bite deeply the flesh of the future? I can’t stand here though I love so many in this line, I cannot love the line itself. I must step through, breathe, stretch my legs and mind, take leave of grids and locks, to live a lonelier but healthier life, all caused by a change in direction.


Enjoy change like flowers before the fruit.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 29

DEATH PRACTICE


“Why do you practice death like it were a skill? Do you fear you lack ability? Or, because it’s your goal, have you made it your hobby?”
Beleaguered by the questions of my sponsor I search quickly for some believable response. “I confused calm with death and thought I was practicing the former…..Death came for a holiday, how could I refuse it?…..It’s a test drive, if I like it I can keep it.” My sponsor doesn’t think I’m funny.
“Check your motives, wants and desires. Make sure death is what you really want, that it’s not just your fallback position because you fear life. Don’t get me wrong, I hope death is a good thing, but why try to chew tomorrow’s food when your plate is full of today?


Ride change.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

September 29

DEATH PRACTICE


“Why do you practice death like it were a skill? Do you fear you lack ability? Or, because it’s your goal, have you made it your hobby?”
Beleaguered by the questions of my sponsor I search quickly for some believable response. “I confused calm with death and thought I was practicing the former…..Death came for a holiday, how could I refuse it?…..It’s a test drive, if I like it I can keep it.” My sponsor doesn’t think I’m funny.
“Check your motives, wants and desires. Make sure death is what you really want, that it’s not just your fallback position because you fear life. Don’t get me wrong, I hope death is a good thing, but why try to chew tomorrow’s food when your plate is full of today?


Ride change.


Sherrie

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} I love these conversations and how you present them. Thank you so much!
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

September 30

WEE HOURS



In the wee hours I hear the high pitched wail, the tiny pest whining in my ear, the onset of my thin stretched nerves reaching their end. A few more hours are required of me tonight. I rally my spirit and lift the edges of my willing resolve. Long slow nights carry me to the far corners of my mind. I am more average than I had imagined or hoped for. The commonness of four AM brings the base to disclosure, the charmed exposure of predawn wakefulness. The fuzzy vibrations in my brain make me feel deep and real, vulnerable to all the normal limitations of nature and caprice. The sun will rise, ending this night. My sentry over, I will fall to earth, and rest, and bed.


Change everything, change yourself.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 1

OLD BOOKKEEPING, NEW PAINTING


What will become of the fine lines I use to divide good news from bad? How will I handle a life with no screen to keep the silt from shifting across my personal landscape? A delicate crosshatch had kept little checks in little boxes; now the checks are bouncing randomly, no pattern or restraint. My old bookkeeping has come to an abrupt end, leaving many questions and much uncertainty. I lift the green visor from my brow, looking for answers from the periphery. Taking the long view I put down my pencil and pick up my paints, sling the easel over my shoulder and walk away from meticulous survival. The fine lines I have now are in my brush strokes and even bad news is somehow good.


Donate some time.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 2

A LITTLE EXTRA HOPE


“What will you do with a little extra hope?” asked my quizzical sponsor.
“What good is a little hope?” my retort.
“A little hope got you sober. What can you do with a little more? Could you take out your dreams and fly them on a breeze? Could you throw yourself into a wave of intention and see if you can ride it out? Breathe easier, smile broader? Take my hand tighter and walk the road awhile longer before you run for refuge? Now let me ask you a better question. What couldn’t you do with a little more hope?”
“Fail.”


Wash as a meditation.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

October 2

A LITTLE EXTRA HOPE


“What will you do with a little extra hope?” asked my quizzical sponsor.
“What good is a little hope?” my retort.
“A little hope got you sober. What can you do with a little more? Could you take out your dreams and fly them on a breeze? Could you throw yourself into a wave of intention and see if you can ride it out? Breathe easier, smile broader? Take my hand tighter and walk the road awhile longer before you run for refuge? Now let me ask you a better question. What couldn’t you do with a little more hope?”
“Fail.”


Wash as a meditation.


Sherrie

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} This is phenomenal! As are you! It was so good seeing you and meeting Tommi the other night; I couldn't have asked for better company!
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

{{{{{{{{{{Sherrie}}}}}}}}}} This is phenomenal! As are you! It was so good seeing you and meeting Tommi the other night; I couldn't have asked for better company!
Cathy

Cathy, I was so happy to see you there, you are like a warm breeze that smells like spring flowers! I had such a great time, and I am happy to announce that my book is now available at Blue Stockings!!!! It was way cool to meet Joan Larkin, too. Thank you for introducing me!


Big hugs,

Sherrie


.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 3

SEAM ALLOWANCE


The space given and taken, the space used to bind us and sew us fast.
The permission for humanness and the need for seams to make us whole. The narrow margin, a shoulder on which I lean, the slender strip a place of refuge.

Darts are snipped to hug the curves; I bend to fit to life.
Our nearness; being my own part and part of more.
Planning, and a pattern cut to order with allowances made for fraying and fragility, allow me to feel woven into a web of what is and still hope for more. The unfinished garment is taking shape, easing and stretching.

And before my eyes, pins held between the teeth of God.


Keep strong words on a high shelf you have access to.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 4

BELLS



The bells are ringing but no one sings. There are no peals of laughter and that’s just fine, for pleasure is not the only response to sound. Shock and distain are other options, too. I have what I want in relationship to the buzz in my ear, equal opportunity attitude, pro and con. Some songs bring joy when they end. I have to lower my expectation of pleasure and value my distaste for tinkling sounds or any other preordained sweetness.


See through your problems.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 5

WHAT IS PAST


The past cannot hold me in a loving embrace. I run too often looking for affection and recognition in things long dead and purportedly buried. I return to the ghoulish obsession of digging up old hates and sorrows, longing for support and finding only the cause of the ulcers in my soul. I wallpaper the crumbling facade not wanting to cover it up but to hold it together, trying to unify something, which is totally shattered. When I view it with a sober eye, the past is nothing but a slideshow under a strobe light. The pulse triggers the impulsive belief that it was all real when, in truth, it was the lie I survived. No life existed in the past and only now is there air to breathe. The past is all vacuum and I don’t need to be sucked away.


Take an enemy’s inventory and don’t give it back.


Sherrie

[toofrufru]

]snip[/COLOR]

So Ive relocated (again) to another state. Its time to go meeting shopping and all that rot.

Am I the only one that hates this process?
I know the rooms are the rooms are the rooms.
But no matter what environment Im in, and sadly the rooms be no exception,
I have an akwardness about walking into a group of new faces.
I feel like after all this time, I should be WAAAY over this by now. But the fact is, Im not.Im just not.
I feel like a newbie, without the shakes. And I have all the catch phrases memorized allready.

You are so not the only one. My sponsor say" LOL I do 90 in 90 to remind me I am a newbie. My mind wants to tell me "no one knows you here you can skip a meeting or two and get away with it" Glad my sponsor is louder than my mind LOL Congrats on the move sounds like HP had big things in store for you. Store up on the insurance meetings now. Good Luck

[pilgrimpoet]

October 5

WHAT IS PAST


The past cannot hold me in a loving embrace. I run too often looking for affection and recognition in things long dead and purportedly buried. I return to the ghoulish obsession of digging up old hates and sorrows, longing for support and finding only the cause of the ulcers in my soul. I wallpaper the crumbling facade not wanting to cover it up but to hold it together, trying to unify something, which is totally shattered. When I view it with a sober eye, the past is nothing but a slideshow under a strobe light. The pulse triggers the impulsive belief that it was all real when, in truth, it was the lie I survived. No life existed in the past and only now is there air to breathe. The past is all vacuum and I don’t need to be sucked away.


Take an enemy’s inventory and don’t give it back.


Sherrie

Amen. Thank you.

[PearlsNLace]

You are so not the only one. My sponsor say" LOL I do 90 in 90 to remind me I am a newbie. My mind wants to tell me "no one knows you here you can skip a meeting or two and get away with it" Glad my sponsor is louder than my mind LOL Congrats on the move sounds like HP had big things in store for you. Store up on the insurance meetings now. Good Luck

I am not quite doing the 90 in 90 again. However, I have been going to a meeting almost everyday, and making contacts with folks in AA on the days I do NOT go.

Just for today Im not drinking.
Just for today Im not having sex with a stranger just so I dont have to feel alone
Just for today Im not overeating just so I can be distracted from how I am feeling
Just for today Im not going to ask you to fix me. And Im not going to try to fix you.
Just for today Im not drinking.


I am a little Hungry, a bit angry, certainly lonely, and tired. Damn. So heres my plan.
Im going to eat a healthy meal. Im going to take a 30 minute nap. Then Im going to do a little journal writing about my depression and whats ticking me off- most of its about my current unemployment and my self esteem. And then Im going to go hang out with someone in program. Just for today im not drinking. Just for the next 30 minutes Im only going to think about the next 30 minutes. Ill deal with the next 30 minutes and the rest of today when I get there.

[pilgrimpoet]

Just for today Im not drinking.
Just for today Im not having sex with a stranger just so I dont have to feel alone
Just for today Im not overeating just so I can be distracted from how I am feeling
Just for today Im not going to ask you to fix me. And Im not going to try to fix you.
Just for today Im not drinking.

{{{{{{{{{{PearlsNLace}}}}}}}}}}
Brava!
Cathy

[desiree]

I am not quite doing the 90 in 90 again. However, I have been going to a meeting almost everyday, and making contacts with folks in AA on the days I do NOT go.

Just for today Im not drinking.
Just for today Im not having sex with a stranger just so I dont have to feel alone
Just for today Im not overeating just so I can be distracted from how I am feeling
Just for today Im not going to ask you to fix me. And Im not going to try to fix you.
Just for today Im not drinking.


I am a little Hungry, a bit angry, certainly lonely, and tired. Damn. So heres my plan.
Im going to eat a healthy meal. Im going to take a 30 minute nap. Then Im going to do a little journal writing about my depression and whats ticking me off- most of its about my current unemployment and my self esteem. And then Im going to go hang out with someone in program. Just for today im not drinking. Just for the next 30 minutes Im only going to think about the next 30 minutes. Ill deal with the next 30 minutes and the rest of today when I get there.

Thanks for sharing this.. I need to do the same...


Linda

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 6

REMEMBERING


Remembering is the oxygen my brain pumps to my soul. Remembering gives me mobility and traction. Everything in my life that is positive depends on my remembering. It keeps apathy at bay and complacency locked in some far off cupboard. Remembering gives today the misty sweetness I have grown to love. I can live to my potential and enjoy the process, watch misery move away. I can dream the future every night because I remember who I am and what I am capable of. Never can I be haunted, memory keeps me from reactionary visitation. Though some fear the past, I know holding it in a close embrace allows me to dance to the rhythm of truth.


Think of names for your sneakers.


Sherrie

[Tommi]

Hi Everyone.

Here are some info for those who are coming to the Bash and are in recovery. The cool think about the 1st link is that its a map of the area where the hotel is at and the meeting close by. You can just click at any of the addresses and it will give you the date and times there are meetings there.

http://www.eastbayaa.org/Maps/Centraloakmap.htm

Some of the meetings that I enjoy are...

Sisters in Sobriety on Thursday evenings @ 6:15pm that takes place at Central Office (295 27th St)
Workenders on Wednesdays & Fridays @ 6pm that takes place at Mandana CRC (3989 Howe St at 40th St)
Women & Trannies on Fridays @ 8pm that takes place at Mandana CRC (3989 Howe St at 40th St)
Good Morning America - Mondays thru Saturday @ 8:15am at Central Office (295 27th St)

I've also included the link to the NA directory that covers Oakland
http://www.naalamedacounty.org/index.htm

And included the link to the Al-Anon directory that covers Oakland
http://www.ncwsa.org/d15/meeting_list.html

The location below also has other 12 Step meetings (SLAA, OA, MA, etc.)
Mandana Community Recovery Center
3989 Howe St.
Oakland CA 94611
Oakland: Piedmont Ave./Montclair
510-595-9690

Feel free to PM if you have any questions. Maybe we can make arrangement & attend together.

Thank you LWF for the idea.

Hey there thatnks... I was checking that Easdt Bay site out today, and saw some meetings on Broadway, same street as hotel. Are you familiar with them? Since our Eves will al be taken with BASH events , we need to find or organize one earlier in the day. Sat AM sounds great..

Congrats on the 9 Tony, and

(((((((PearlsNLace...)))))), just cuz

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 7

FRUSTRATING IMPROVEMENT


Improvement is frustrating, lonely and yet exhilarating. It somehow starts with moths in the stomach and ends up with that warm soup satisfaction. Struggle, waiting, followed by further struggle; progress is made by tugging one string then the other. It is hard to accept scaling the ropes alone, but tottering assent is always this way. Once at the top I realize how easily I could slide to the bottom, sometimes friction is all that keeps me up. Establishing a new altitude is challenging; I must ground myself in a new way. My talents hinder and aid me. I must open the correct doors in my mind and avoid the traps in the floor. Stuttering through requirements and obligations I transform but only slowly, earning each drop of comfort from a job just done.


Think smart, speak clearly.



Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 8

ALARM CLOCK


The dream-killer plays its harsh tones. I pull my lids, so unwilling to wake. The tip of my tongue, dry to leather, welcomes the wet of my toothbrush. I grin a foaming smile. I run through my night's travels; I mentally wonder the highlights, ponder the implications and meanings. Dressed, with open door breeze in my face, I leave nighttime escapades for daytime pandemonium. The only thing that won’t leave me is the last image before the gong sounded.


Tie paper dolls of people into books that may help them.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 10

ALSO A GIFT


Sadness is as life affirming as joy, but in the same way that people eat together but defecate alone, joy is encouraged in public and sadness is a private matter. Happiness is embraced and discouragement relegated, even though personal experience shows disappointment is often a point of growth. What beauty and change stem from disillusion, but still it is hard to look directly at grief and not flinch away. The temptation to feign pleasure and leave sadness swept under the carpet is strong. It is an unwelcome job to be the defender of grief, a job that should be unnecessary, in the same way that the valley between the mountains is unnecessary to defend. We are not giants who can step from one mountaintop to the next.


Try a new game for body, mind and laughs.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 11

DENY ONE, DENY THE OTHER


If you want to deny the problem, by necessity you must deny the solution. Resolving a problem whose existence is rejected creates a split in the crust of collusion. Oftentimes, the convolution and reconvolution of addiction causes a bloated roiling mass that rolls through the streets of sanity. How can a wedge be cut in a creature so dense? How can I work on piecing together remedies when I am readily assured by fellow sufferers there is NO DIS-EASE? Can I trust my personal depletions? Can I employ faith to a resolution when faith is utilized to fortify the contagion I’m told doesn’t exist? But if not faith, what?


Count out all the buttons in your box.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

October 11

DENY ONE, DENY THE OTHER


If you want to deny the problem, by necessity you must deny the solution. Resolving a problem whose existence is rejected creates a split in the crust of collusion. Oftentimes, the convolution and reconvolution of addiction causes a bloated roiling mass that rolls through the streets of sanity. How can a wedge be cut in a creature so dense? How can I work on piecing together remedies when I am readily assured by fellow sufferers there is NO DIS-EASE? Can I trust my personal depletions? Can I employ faith to a resolution when faith is utilized to fortify the contagion I’m told doesn’t exist? But if not faith, what?


Count out all the buttons in your box.


Sherrie

Love this. Hugs.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 12

JOY IS NOT ENOUGH


I was driving around in my car, eating a meltingly ripe persimmon. On the radio came a fiddle-playing band performing their rendition of In The White Room. I was traveling with the three drafts of my first step, version one consisting of 690-some words and the final consisting of only four. Joy is not enough. That’s it. The whole thing. Today my life is unmanageable due to the fact, having a balanced life, feeling my wide range of feelings including joy, is not sufficient to eliminate the pain and damage of the past. My horrific childhood has not healed, has not mended seamlessly. I have joy today, everyday at some point, in proportion to my sober choices.
I fail to realize the promise doesn’t say heal the past; it says I will not regret the past. I don’t, at least not any of the choices I made. Other peoples’ choices are not mine to regret, so I can’t do that for them. I will not wish to shut the door on the past, and I don’t wish to. I want it healed. I may not get my wish. Just because I am doing my part to heal the past doesn’t make anyone else do it. I can’t strong-arm the perpetrators into recovery the way they strong-armed me into abuse.
Joy is not enough, but it’s a hell of a start.


Lend your assets; keep your defects home.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 13

BATTLESHIP


If the first is a guess, what is the second? Paranoia? Or worse? Action is a blessing, reaction a debilitation, and to twist from reaction to self-doubt sinks the battle and the battleship. When I can’t make sense, the gift is stepping back. Better to put my hand down than to lose the farm. When I find myself in a minefield, I can walk gingerly or wait for aide from above, air rescue or other. The option of rethinking every step sets me dancing; the tune, which begins this hurky jerky polka of death, stems from the metronome of criticism playing in my ear. When I am overwhelmed with critique I give up acceptance of chance or the joy of spontaneity, throwing myself into a pit of apprehension. I am safer being wrong occasionally than unsure forever.


Study an old map and find a new way.

Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 14

MY MOON


I anticipate the crowning of your face as you birth the sky. Your rhythmic visitation sates me. The gravity of my need keeps you close. The tide of my heart pulls you from shore to shore. We live in the sweet ecstasy of tethered love, our souls slingshotting across the open palm of heaven. Your empathy for me transforms these shards of ice to a tender heart… satelliting. I orbit you empowered by your kindness. You are my moon.


Paint your face and print your profile.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 15

REJECTION



Rejection is a game of endurance, a boundary enhancing process, a test of survival. Rejection sought or unsought is a challenge. Sometimes rejection is a flare lighting the need for a change of tactics or direction. Though, it is hard to view rejection as a beacon rather than condemnation. Rejection is also the counterbalance for acceptance. Risk is nothing if rejection is not part of the equation. I cannot value a yes if you could not say no. Rejection is the safety valve when putting myself in situations where I don’t belong. I get sent back to the world of possibilities when the kindness of rejection ejects me from the wrong choice.


Look at the keyhole then look at the key.


Sherrie

[pilgrimpoet]

October 15

REJECTION



Rejection is a game of endurance, a boundary enhancing process, a test of survival. Rejection sought or unsought is a challenge. Sometimes rejection is a flare lighting the need for a change of tactics or direction. Though, it is hard to view rejection as a beacon rather than condemnation. Rejection is also the counterbalance for acceptance. Risk is nothing if rejection is not part of the equation. I cannot value a yes if you could not say no. Rejection is the safety valve when putting myself in situations where I don’t belong. I get sent back to the world of possibilities when the kindness of rejection ejects me from the wrong choice.


Look at the keyhole then look at the key.


Sherrie

Ah yes. Thank you yet again for an important reminder and lesson.
Hugs,
Cathy

[LeftWriteFemme]

Ah yes. Thank you yet again for an important reminder and lesson.
Hugs,
Cathy

You are so welcome my darling friend!


femme kisses,

Sherrie
.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 16

HIDE AND SEEK


I have sought You high and low, but like the rain, You have always found me. I, like a cold, wet cat on a winter’s day, peer into warm lit windows hoping You will be home. I seek, to keep me moving. You find me for some unknown reason. I have given up naming You. I trust You know who you are, in spite of the fact I do not. You are places I don’t know and doing things I think better of. Citing the list of errands I daily make for You, not to beleaguer You, but the unfinished list of history trails out of my pocket, and I worry I may posses Your only copy of this injustice list. There have been days of peace, days I don’t think too much, days I turn away from my history lessons and future projections. My ultimate problem is with the equal sign. I run the numbers and it figures inequity. I check my calculations and shake the calculator of my mind. Deeply, I fear You’re a one god and do not comprehend the implications of zero. If you multiply with only things above the naught, You maybe unaware of nothingness, the empty things I feel when I can’t seem to find You. Self-possessed, insensitive of the cipher, Your dimensions stay positive. Bring me into Your realm or join me in the void. I seek You, but You have found me.


Weigh your demands and don’t let them tip your scale.


Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 17

FISHING FOR CONTENTMENT


Fishing for contentment is a wonderful pastime but what is used for bait? Is there a delicacy to dangle before contentment to lure it into my life? Can I crumble the best biscotti and leave a trail to my door? I don’t believe contentment swims around waiting to be caught. I think it’s more like the wild yeast that finds its way to my starter. If I put the ingredients in my life, contentment will rise to the occasion.


Renew your own understanding of the word NO.



Sherrie