your fears vs your reality?

[PieEyed]

I would like to open a discussion about your biggest fears in coming out...since almost everyone here has had to deal with this in their own way, and it is one of the bigger hurdles that we have to scale. I had a thread (coming-out in a Het realtionship...) that is more of a personal chronicle of my experiences (and my partner's) in this past year. This thread is more of a general question/debate that really underlies the preliminary questioning that many of us do.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with a young mom, married and closeted-and I relate to it so much AFTER the process of my own coming out. It made me realize the toll that FEAR had taken on my life. I was able to offer her my own advice, which in the process made me realize how huge of a step it is to accomplish....

I realize that not everyone is as tormented by this process as much as they are the thought of the process, which brings the questions....

My Question: Your fears about coming out....

1.) Were they realistic/realized, or were they over-blown?

A few people look at me differently, but mostly my fears were so completely overblown that it makes me sad that I didn't have more faith.

2.)What was your single biggest fear...and was it realized?

My biggest fear was that I would lose my relationships with people, only to realize that coming out forced me to really examine how important those relationships really were to ME...and lose the ones that are not. I feel empowered by that.


3.) If so, was it as painful as you anticipated?

Coming out intermingled with Bad Divorce....hard to seperate each from each other at times, but to me coming out has been very comforting. I finally feel like I am sitting in my own skin. I feel whole and real. It just feels good to get honest with your own self and say "fuck everyone else and their expectations!".

4.) Your biggest triumph in coming out...?

The strength that I would have never known I had.

5.) Regrets....would you have done it sooner/louder/quieter/more forcefully/graciously etc??

I guess from my own perspective, I worried so much about what "might" happen, that it never occured to me that it might not! Any reactions that I have gotten have been a million times more rewarding than I imagined, and I think that a lot of people on the verge (of coming out) have a hard time seeing that possibility.

I would have done it sooner, but then I wouldn't have my kids....so that would be bad. Other than that reason, I wish I had just dealt with all of my fears before I got married. 13 years of trying to stifle yourself... is just sad. I regret that I didn't reach out to someone to talk to about it (a little more forcefully) when I was questioning my sexuality at a younger age.

I regret that I didn't pry a little deeper into my own desires, because at that time I didn't feel that I was deserving of them.

Thanking you in advance for your thoughts...!

[dirtywhiteboi]

I was never in, but great thread!

dirt

[Words]

I regret that I didn't pry a little deeper into my own desires, because at that time I didn't feel that I was deserving of them.

Wow, do I understand what you're saying here.

I'm glad it all worked out well for you...

Words

[PieEyed]

Thanking you both...

[Texas-Ex]

My Question: Your fears about coming out....

1.) Were they realistic/realized, or were they over-blown?

A few people look at me differently, but mostly my fears were so completely overblown that it makes me sad that I didn't have more faith.

I did not come out till I was 40 years old. I had moved away from my family and was able to finally come into my own without their approval/dis-approval. When I was sure who I was (a matter of a few months), I made a special trip back "home" to tell my family. The area I am from, at that time was not accepting of gay's. For the most part, I was accepted, though I say that loosely. It is a topic that we do not talk about because it does not come up. If it does, I have no problem discussing it and my family knows that. So my fears were realistic in that there is still some homophobic tension between my father and my daughter towards me.

2.)What was your single biggest fear...and was it realized?

My biggest fear was that I would lose my relationships with people, only to realize that coming out forced me to really examine how important those relationships really were to ME...and lose the ones that are not. I feel empowered by that.

I have to agree with your comment. I was afraid of not being accepted most especially by my children (now 26 yrs and 24 yrs). I ended up getting one child who does not accept it and the other who does. It makes me sad that something like this can "make a difference" to someone you love. But I came to realize that if I could not be happy with myself and who I feel I am, then I could not possibly make someone else "happy". We cannot be responsible for making someone else happy, that has to come from within themselves.

3.) If so, was it as painful as you anticipated?

Coming out intermingled with Bad Divorce....hard to seperate each from each other at times, but to me coming out has been very comforting. I finally feel like I am sitting in my own skin. I feel whole and real. It just feels good to get honest with your own self and say "fuck everyone else and their expectations!".

Ditto to your comment. Especially when we get older, we tend to get more bold with what we think about other people's expectations. Fact of the matter is that we can never live up to someone else's expectations even if we tried. I would not say it was as painful as I anticipated, but rather disappointing for me.

4.) Your biggest triumph in coming out...?

The strength that I would have never known I had.

Yes to the strength I did not know was there and also respect for myself.

5.) Regrets....would you have done it sooner/louder/quieter/more forcefully/graciously etc??

I guess from my own perspective, I worried so much about what "might" happen, that it never occured to me that it might not! Any reactions that I have gotten have been a million times more rewarding than I imagined, and I think that a lot of people on the verge (of coming out) have a hard time seeing that possibility.

I do not have any regrets about coming out. My regret is that I did not do it sooner in life.

I would have done it sooner, but then I wouldn't have my kids....so that would be bad. Other than that reason, I wish I had just dealt with all of my fears before I got married. 13 years of trying to stifle yourself... is just sad. I regret that I didn't reach out to someone to talk to about it (a little more forcefully) when I was questioning my sexuality at a younger age.

I still had time after having my kids to realize who I was, but did not think it was an option and would not allow myself to consider it. This is due to the backwards thinking of the environment I grew up in. I had to fight my own homophobic misconceptions first, which is what I did eventually. There was no one that I could have talked to about it and the one example of a gay couple I had was a joke.

Lee

I regret that I didn't pry a little deeper into my own desires, because at that time I didn't feel that I was deserving of them.

Thanking you in advance for your thoughts...![/QUOTE]

[danson69]

My Question: Your fears about coming out....

1.) Were they realistic/realized, or were they over-blown?

I was 18, a high school senior, "recongnized" by a freshman with a crush on me before I even realized that I was gay. All of my friends were angry with me for not telling them. First I denied it, then I questioned it, then I accepted and acknowledged it.

2.)What was your single biggest fear...and was it realized?

That I would never be able to find someone to have a relationship with, nor have a family of my own. I realized that was unrealistic a couple of days after coming out when my best friend decided that she should be my first relationship. I now have the family that I doubted that I could have.

3.) If so, was it as painful as you anticipated?

It took me 10 years to find the partner suited for me and my desires.

4.) Your biggest triumph in coming out...?

Facing my fears of the unknown, and developing a better sense of myself.

5.) Regrets....would you have done it sooner/louder/quieter/more forcefully/graciously etc??

I probably would have come out when I left for college. But it was better that it happened before I left home because it exposed my family to the fact that being me and being gay were one in the same.

I have answered these questions based upon my "coming out" experience as a teenager, but my real "coming out" story took place in 2003.

I was a Sergeant in the US Army. A top recruiter in Southern California when jealousy got the best of some of my fellow Non-Commissioned Officers. Recruiting in the military is like a sales job, numbers equal power, and I had more power with my 5 years in the Army then they did with their 15 to 20. They set me up with a "ringer" scandal, saying that I had used someone to cheat on an entrance exam. When that failed, because it was not true, they started targeting my sexuality.

It was difficult to come forward and be discharged based upon my sexuality since it had absolutely no bearing upon the soldier that I was or the job that I was doing. It was more difficult though to continue to serve a Country that felt that I as a lesbian could not effectively perform the same job that I had been for 5 years in silence.

http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Sect...entDisplay.cfm

[Silverfemme123]

I am fortunate to have a very accepting and liberal family...My parents said "We dont care who you love as long as you are happy" What a relief. I realize that this is not the norm and how fortunate that I am to have an accepting family ..they gave me the same advice about career issues except they said "If you do not finish college you will cheat yourself out of a million dollars in your lifetime" How wise they were. I feel so blessed to have such a loving and accepting family and my heart aches for those who get cast out because of who or how they love.

[Her girl]

It was difficult to come forward and be discharged based upon my sexuality since it had absolutely no bearing upon the soldier that I was or the job that I was doing. It was more difficult though to continue to serve a Country that felt that I as a lesbian could not effectively perform the same job that I had been for 5 years in silence.[/COLOR]

I will response to the thread a little later, but first I feel like giving Danson69 my immediate support (and then have a cup of coffee).

I usually write in Green.. But this one- I cannot! What a grimm example of discrimination! Some may even call it systematic...

I am impressed that You, only two years after, are able to share this in an unbiased way. Your strength shines through!*so impressive*

[danson69]

I will response to the thread a little later, but first I feel like giving Danson69 my immediate support (and then have a cup of coffee).

I usually write in Green.. But this one- I cannot! What a grimm example of discrimination! Some may even call it systematic...

I am impressed that You, only two years after, are able to share this in an unbiased way. Your strength shines through!*so impressive*

I have never thought of myself as impressive...but I thank you for the compliment and the support. I am still trying to find my groove back in the "real world". It is a difficult task since I thought that the next 20 years of my life were already committed, I had planned to retire from the Army. I would have never met the love of my life if it were not for my discharge, so I suppose everything happens for a reason, and this time, it was in my favor

Thank you, Her Girl.

[Her girl]

I'm impressed You haven't lost your self in this process (which You are probably still in). I am so happy You met someone special! ( Is It You, Pie?? ) for both of you!

And for all of us, who have experienced feared and/or real obsticales b/c of who we are, I'd like to quote something from the ethics the Norwegian nurses learn...

" I have a life that's mine. That has worth in it's own self. I am a person."

" My feelings and experiences,
my fear, my anger, my hatred and sorrow included, are real and valid.
However, they will not consume me or destroy others."

Ps. PieEyed... I promise I will answer the thread.... I'm just too.... biased right now.. Sorry for the derailment!!

[PieEyed]

Ok....I will wait for you. (drumming my fingers............twirling my hair.....biting my nail....)

And yes....I confess!!!! it's me. Grateful as well that fate had it's hand in bringing us together....hers is an impressive story for sure. I am very proud of her strength of character and her sense of principle. I definitely have learned a lot about respect and honor from her....

[SweetThang]

Got the biggest epiphany of my life in a recent discussion with my younger brother in a distant state, whom I had come out to long ago: from DAY ONE my entire family knew my marriage was to a FtM, not a male....I thought they were fooled, but they saw through it really fast....never cared, never said a word, just wanted me to be happy!!! What a relief!!!
Ironically, it was my homophobic middle brother who saw through my FtM right away and tipped off my younger brother!!! Soooo...I am out to my entire family, and they don't care...just want me to be happy.

I used to worry about my job a lot because I am in public education, but that fear is unfounded: one assistant superintendent and several Central Office personnel are OUT lesbians --- and we are everywhere in the classrooms and on the athletic fields...it is a non-issue nowadays...and since I've got enough years in to retire, well, if they don't like me they can do with the job what Johnny Paycheck suggested years ago, LOL....

My only regret is that I couldn't have "gotten the clue" at age 20 instead of in my late 40s....

[PieEyed]

My only regret is that I couldn't have "gotten the clue" at age 20 instead of in my late 40s....[/QUOTE]


Ditto...!

[Her girl]

As I'm a very trustworthy person (says the Zodiac), so I will pay for my previous posts today

My fears about coming out....

1.) Were they realistic/realized, or were they over-blown?

I had no fears about coming out. Actually, I never thought of myself as gay. Just me. I have been in hetero relationships without feeling love, but I just thought "oh, well, maybe I'm just too egosentrical to love". I used to go to gay bars for men so that I would be left alone, b/c I never found flirting with men fun or interesting, but I really did not have a clue.

2.)What was your single biggest fear...and was it realized?

I met my partner accidently, as she was filming a documentary about being gay in a small, ethnic and religious community (my hometown) and I was only visiting for a short while. One of the scenes takes place in a local bar, where ex-lovers of my childhood friend (the storyteller) used to go. The scenes weren't pretty, and my friend's life was threatened. I guess my biggest fear was connected to this incident.

Familywise, all the media coverage scared my family, and I didn't go home for 3 years. Most of my mother's family didn't accept the relationship, as they are very religious. My father's family, being old tradition and ethnic, was very supportive and mirrored our relationship to the traditional roles.

Coming home after three years was easier than expected. In retrospect, I guess all the fears were directly linked to my mother's well- being (my bad).

3.) If so, was it as painful as you anticipated?

It was painful having to break free from the old traditions, that I hold dearly. For all the years I weren't able to go home I felt no self- worth, and I am still trying to find my place on the family tree. I am still not asked to help when it comes to transition- rituals that we have.

4.) Your biggest triumph in coming out...?

Taking the step to begin my own family and starting my own reflection on the traditions.

5.) Regrets....would you have done it sooner/louder/quieter/more forcefully/graciously etc??

I have no regrets. I have had a free life, and chose to leave home early (16 years old). I have had every opportunity to fall in love or figure this out earlier, but I just wasn't interested enough. I never focused on building a family or being in love. Everything happened as it was supposed to, and one of my most important lessons was that I am responsible for my own life, and that Rome wasn't built in one day

Now, this is it... In short. *fingertips aching*, labour of respect, I guess

[PieEyed]

Wow....that was a very well-thought out and personally revealing post. I love that you mapped your own journey and feel that everything has unfolded for with purpose and meaning relevant to you....

thanking you for posting this...

[danson69]

Wow....that was a very well-thought out and personally revealing post. I love that you mapped your own journey and feel that everything has unfolded for with purpose and meaning relevant to you....

thanking you for posting this...

Ditto on that Pieeyed! Now you have "impressed" me, Her Girl! Good journey to you, my friend.

[U2]

"Within a week, tension flared. I went from being a “high roller” to being called a “dirty recruiter.” My name and ethics were dragged through the mud. It became clear to me then that no matter my accomplishments, I would never fit in. It was time to find a place in life where being all I could be would not mean losing myself."


Danson69:
Yes, you do fit in. You are a perfect fit, right now, exactly the way you are. My hat is off to you and thank you for the service to our country. I wish you and Pie all the best. Maybe we will meet at some point. I am another one here in the East Bay, but that is another thread. You and others like you are remarkable and your story resonates with what is really important, our integrity, our families, our own sense of worth.

U2

[danson69]

Danson69:
Yes, you do fit in. You are a perfect fit, right now, exactly the way you are. My hat is off to you and thank you for the service to our country. I wish you and Pie all the best. Maybe we will meet at some point. I am another one here in the East Bay, but that is another thread. You and others like you are remarkable and your story resonates with what is really important, our integrity, our families, our own sense of worth.

U2

I hope that we do meet, my friend. Thank you for that note of recongnition, and well wishes. I wish you and yours the best as well.