Wanting to feel beautiful...

**RyanCGY** · 02-10-2004, 04:34 PM

Ok, so I figured Id start this thread..for people who are truly misunderstood. Those of us who have been through hell and back and its affected how we deal with people...In a maladaptive sense. Do you over-indulge in sex? Do you feel ugly? Do you hate yourself? Do you still feel the stings and burns of child abuse? Are you told you are too serious? Do you wish that somehow you could just break out of your secluded bubble in your head that wont seem to pop, so you can finally relate? Are you too shy? When you finally speak up, do you feel like youve said way too much? Do people only see your exterior, and not your interior, and run? Are you judged? Unpopular because you more than dont fit in...you just cant. Are you an easy target for bullies? Are you tired of feeling angry?

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things?
Do you want to change?
Do you want to grow a backbone?
Do you want to feel more positive?
Do you want to stop hurting?
Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life?
Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little?

Maybe here, we can do it together. Or at least share and talk about it, and help eachother.

**nyc_pinupgirl** · 02-10-2004, 04:43 PM

whew.

All I have to say is: supportive friends, loving partner, and a nice therapist. Can't find any of the above? Well, you're on this site, so that's a start.

Good luck, all....

**artemis1044** · 02-10-2004, 04:43 PM

Great thread... I will be back...

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 02-10-2004, 04:49 PM

Wow Ryan....gulps....have you been reading my journal? Shoves it further under bed....

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things? a couple of friends have mentioned it'd be a good idea...my Boi had me take an online depression test...upside..i aced it...ugh guess that is not good...shrugs
Do you want to change?said softly....yes
Do you want to grow a backbone?well i think i have a backbone...but most usually i run..cuz it's what i know best
Do you want to feel more positive?*ponders...what is it like to feel more positive?
Do you want to stop hurting?more than anything...
Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life?tears fall...every day
Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little?well...i have been sayin things for the first time in my life...i say stuff oh man i say stuff...sometimes tho when i think someone finally understands me and i realize they dont...i say some stuff i shouldn't i spose...i have noticed a tendency lately to lacerate a throat or two when im hurt...or i feel like someone i am close to is hurting me...sighs

i guess mostly...depsite what those closest to me think...i'd like to tear down my wall...and unsaddle "renegade's horse"....

wow Ryan...contemplative and introspective thread...smiles

**Woodie69** · 02-10-2004, 04:55 PM

Ryan, Great Thread!

Personally speaking here, yes I have felt at times alone and not fitting in. I have been made fun of because of how I look, act, mannerisms, etc. To those folks, I try to ignore them. I have been beaten up several times because of who and what I am. It is very frustrating for me to have to constantly deal with that bullshit. As I have aged, and have become more of a man than my own bio-father or bio-brother are or will ever be, and for that alone I am so proud.

There are times when I do cry because of how hurt my heart is. To have to face ignorant ppl at work, in public places, etc. I am not going to even mention the shit I endure with my bio-family. That is the main reason I avoid them for the most part. I have to be me.

As for counselling...I have tried it. There is nothing wrong with going. I think it is healthy. It helped me understand that it is not my problem but society's. As for my coping with my dysfuntional family, well...I cannot really say. They are still dysfunctional, and ignorant as hell. I cannot say anything positive or good about them. Regrets are a waste of time. I live for today, and for who and what I am.

Just my thoughts for now.

**RyanCGY** · 02-10-2004, 05:10 PM

Thank you so much for replying....so good to hear there are others who are trying to break from it as well. Keep em coming guys and gals. I love hearing your stories...

No lace, lol I havent read your journal..hah *reaching under her bed to try to grab it! jk, id never do that.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 02-10-2004, 07:09 PM

lol...well if ya arent readin my diary you are readin my mind...OH MY

theres some ummmmm other stuff in there...lordy...goes off to clean up my mind...

seriously Ryan...great thread....nice to know...your not alone ..yada yada...sighs....puts a smile back on and stuff..and scampers out to clean up my mind...

**RyanCGY** · 02-10-2004, 07:13 PM

Im glad the thread is appreciated...its not my thread..its everyones thread.

Lace...*readin your mind* SUCH THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*GASP*

**irie** · 02-10-2004, 07:14 PM

mmhmm....great, great thread.

-irie

**FemmePhotographer** · 02-10-2004, 07:50 PM

Thanks for starting this thread RyanCGY.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things? Not now, but after reading your questions, I think I should be. Tried it in the past.

Do you want to change? Some parts of me.

Do you want to grow a backbone? I would like a stronger one.

Do you want to feel more positive? Yes.

Do you want to stop hurting? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life? Yes.

Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little? Yes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you over-indulge in sex? No, but for many years (10) I didn't have sex at all, so I would say I underindulged.

Do you feel ugly? Yes. I'm very self-critical of myself.

Do you hate yourself? Sometimes...well, okay...many days out of the month. I hate myself for being weak. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me as a child even though intellectually I know it wasn't my fault.

Do you still feel the stings and burns of child abuse? Every minute of every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and how those years of my youth were taken away and how those years affect every thought, word and deed of my life today.

Are you told you are too serious? Yes, I've been told I need to relax. Too uptight. Worry too much.

Do you wish that somehow you could just break out of your secluded bubble in your head that wont seem to pop, so you can finally relate? Yes.

Are you too shy? Yes.

When you finally speak up, do you feel like youve said way too much? Yes, inappropriately so, which usually means I don't say anything and I feel like I am boring and uninteresting.

Do people only see your exterior, and not your interior, and run?
Yes, I believe this to be true.

Are you judged? Yes, I think I am.

Unpopular because you more than dont fit in...you just cant.
I haven't felt "unpopular" around my circle of friends who love me. Actually, I'm usually hanging around the outer circle of popular...I'm not considered a complete loss, but I'm not a magnet for everyone to come to me...I usually "support" the popular people. Hope that makes sense.

Are you an easy target for bullies? Not so much.

Are you tired of feeling angry? Yes. I think anger sucks a lot of my energy and leaves me feeling tired and sad.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 02-10-2004, 08:03 PM

tears fall...starts hugging people here that i dont know..only thing thats hurts worse than hurting is seeing other people hurt

**fever** · 02-10-2004, 08:37 PM

ms. sultry, if I get to meet Mr. Ryan in person, anything you would like me to say to him? :-)

Ryan, you are doing just fine. I love reading your posts, and how open you are about your life and emotions.

I struggle with self esteem, fitting in, or NOT fitting in, being criticized for being who I am, etc.

Ryan, hoping you will have an awfully big hug for this large and "sometimes she thinks she is beautiful" femme next month.............

**FemmeLovinBoi** · 02-10-2004, 08:44 PM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by fever
[B]

I struggle with self esteem, fitting in, or NOT fitting in, being criticized for being who I am, etc.

Miss Fever, you have nothing to worry about. You are beautiful inside and out and a most special person. Don't change for anyone or anything.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 02-10-2004, 09:01 PM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by FemmeLovinBoi
[B]

Originally posted by fever

Miss Fever, you have nothing to worry about. You are beautiful inside and out and a most special person. Don't change for anyone or anything.

raises my glass...i agree totally!!!

**EntycingFemme** · 02-11-2004, 06:37 AM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by FemmeLovinBoi
[B]

Originally posted by fever

I struggle with self esteem, fitting in, or NOT fitting in, being criticized for being who I am, etc.

Miss Fever, you have nothing to worry about. You are beautiful inside and out and a most special person. Don't change for anyone or anything.

Also raising my glass on that one........
Why do we always seem to struggle with who we are and how we're perceived? <sigh>
For me..... the term 'Exquisite' comes to mind, when it comes to defining the femme inside........ she is so much more than a pretty face... and a beautiful body.... she is the lady within... in her heart and in her soul.... and she deserves to be seen for all of those 'Exquisite' qualities.......

**FemmeLovinBoi** · 02-11-2004, 04:39 PM

Originally posted by EntycingFemme
Also raising my glass on that one........
Why do we always seem to struggle with who we are and how we're perceived? <sigh>
For me..... the term 'Exquisite' comes to mind, when it comes to defining the femme inside........ she is so much more than a pretty face... and a beautiful body.... she is the lady within... in her heart and in her soul.... and she deserves to be seen for all of those 'Exquisite' qualities.......

You just described yourself Miss Entycing. You are all that and then some.

**fever** · 02-11-2004, 08:39 PM

For someone I have never met in person, I get the warm fuzzies, start to tear up, and just feel totally at peace when You talk to me FLB. Ever since You appeared on CH in those leather pants, I have been Your greatest cheerleader. lol lol

What a lovely thing to say. Thank You so much. And, my dear friend, I will repay that compliment by saying what a gentlebutch You are, and how very lucky that certain lady is that holds Your heart strings................

I really hope to break bread with You in New Orleans............and, You have me blushing...

**FemmeLovinBoi** · 02-11-2004, 09:07 PM

Originally posted by fever
For someone I have never met in person, I get the warm fuzzies, start to tear up, and just feel totally at peace when You talk to me FLB. Ever since You appeared on CH in those leather pants, I have been Your greatest cheerleader. lol lol

What a lovely thing to say. Thank You so much. And, my dear friend, I will repay that compliment by saying what a gentlebutch You are, and how very lucky that certain lady is that holds Your heart strings................

I really hope to break bread with You in New Orleans............and, You have me blushing...

Aww, thank you Miss Fever. I am the one who is blushing.

Don't be tellin' secrets about me and my leather pants.

Everything I said is true sweet lady. You are special. I would love to go to New Orleans and will do my best but I'm just not sure at this point.

Thank you for your sweet compliments. That warmed my heart.

**RyanCGY** · 02-12-2004, 07:26 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies. Its nice to know so many people want to stick together and get better, and feel better about themselves...

Sorry I havent posted anything in depth for the past few days, as I have been busy at work, but soon. Please keep em coming!

**mslisabell** · 02-12-2004, 07:40 AM

For me, there are many days when the abuse from the past doesn not stop in my mind. I do go to counseling, and for the first time in my life, I am ok. I'm not great, mind you, but I'm ok. I changed the outside of my body with a gastric bypass, thinking that would make me FEEL beautiful, and it's helped, but it's not the answer either. Beauty comes from within. Knowing that I and all of you are the best people we can be at that moment is what it's all about.

So...when you look in the mirror, know that you have special gifts that you share with others, and sometimes keep private, but they are gifts nonetheless. And know, that no matter what has happened in the past, we cannot change it, but we control our futures.

Love and hugs,
Lisa

**Kit Kat** · 02-12-2004, 11:55 AM

It's nice to read other people's answers and thanks to Ryan for beinning the thread < waving at a fellow Canuck >

I do feel that each day is a new day.
What better way to grow, but to take each new day for the potential that it holds.

You might meet your future mate that day.
You might touch the heart of another.
You might learn something new.
You might accept what you thought you couldn't.

The list could go on and on.

Be thankful for the person you are.
Hold your head up high.

There is beauty in us all.

Kit Kat

**Woodie69** · 02-15-2004, 01:04 PM

I was just rereading what people wrote here, and have been thinking about it lately. Lately, most people know what an absolute nightmare I have had to endure with my present employer. And it really boils down to me being different. I am who I am. I am not going to change for anyone. If I can loose my bio-family, get kicked out of apartments, get fired from jobs because of who and what I am...yea, I am not feeling so good about myself. I cannot change. I do not want to even change (unless it means finding a decent plastic surgeon who will give me my male chest, which is what I wanted to have in the first place...but that is yet another story). I don't want people to feel sorry for me or pity me. I want people to be proud of me, and not ashamed of me. My adopted sister once told me that some people feel what she calls "guilt by association". Oh well, that is on them - not me. I have to be true to my identity and my "self". I cannot live a lie. I don't want too. I am just so tired of having to be the only one at my job to stand up for who and what I am.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it off my mind. As you all can see, this issue weighs very heavily on my being. Thanks for listening.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 03-01-2004, 08:23 PM

*smiles ta Woodie...

Absolutely Woodie!!! It's not your responsibility to be something for others..it's the other's responsibility to accept you for who you are...

i have long held the following mantra:

~It is better to be hated for who i am than loved for who i am not~

**Looks at Woodie..funny tho how it's so easy to see value and treasures in others...and so hard to see it in one's self ...

Well Woodie for what it's worth....

i think you rawk bruthuuuuuuuuuu!!!

and it aint just cuz of the bulging shorts thang...i swear....

**Woodie69** · 03-02-2004, 06:15 PM

FemNLeatherNLace,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support! To have a femme tell me that really makes it hit home for me. Not too many folks are willing to rally behind me, most likely because I am older, wiser, and trans. Oh well. That is on them, not me like you said. Nobody else believes in me, but myself. And that is ok.

BTW, I had your mantra at the end of my signature for a while before I changed it. It is so true.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 03-02-2004, 06:26 PM

*smiles Woodie...no need to thank me hon..but you're very welcome. i know what it is like to be your own worst enemy...

*smiles ..kepp ya chin up darlin..

**mtndyker** · 03-02-2004, 06:34 PM

wanting to feel beautiful is too much to ask of myself. it always has been.
i get highly uncomfortable when people compliment me. but it's better than when i actually used to cringe and tell the person to stop. i didn't believe when people would say positive things b/c my mother was joan crawfords twin when it came to verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
i do have a strong self concept. on the whole it's more positive than ten years ago.
but i still look behide me if some one tells me i'm cute or even

a hottie. i don't believe them sometimes.

**GemmeFemme** · 03-15-2004, 07:40 PM

Originally posted by RyanCGY
Are you in counselling/therapy for these things? Not yet, although I probably should be

Do you want to change? Doesn't everyone? Actually, I am going to borrow someone's tag line and say that I would rather evolve than change.

Do you want to grow a backbone? I have found bits and pieces of mine here and there.

Do you want to feel more positive? Constantly.

Do you want to stop hurting? It can stop? Seriously, yes, but it won't happen for a very long time. I have too much anger and fear that I can't get out.

Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life? No, I want to KNOW what it feels like to be beautiful. It's a different feeling to 'know' versus 'feel' something. People tell me that I am pretty and give me compliments and I cannot believe them because my own image is so low and dark.

Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little? I talk too much about the stuff that doesn't matter, but clam up when it comes to the heart-pounding, gut-wrentching things in life.

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 03-31-2004, 01:28 AM

Tracy Chapman

Remember The Tinman lyrics
There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside

Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live

Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key

Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why

Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key

Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank

Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent

But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space

And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back

Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

**GemmeFemme** · 03-31-2004, 05:03 AM

Okay, I hadn't paid any attention to the last post I did here and just realized that my mini novel didn't make it to the 'big screen'. Um, I'll have to come back when I have more time to redo my post......dagnabit.

**tigressStriped** · 03-31-2004, 06:15 AM

Originally posted by RyanCGY
Ok, so I figured Id start this thread..for people who are truly misunderstood. Those of us who have been through hell and back and its affected how we deal with people...In a maladaptive sense. Do you over-indulge in sex? Do you feel ugly? Do you hate yourself? Do you still feel the stings and burns of child abuse? Are you told you are too serious? Do you wish that somehow you could just break out of your secluded bubble in your head that wont seem to pop, so you can finally relate? Are you too shy? When you finally speak up, do you feel like youve said way too much? Do people only see your exterior, and not your interior, and run? Are you judged? Unpopular because you more than dont fit in...you just cant. Are you an easy target for bullies? Are you tired of feeling angry?

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things?
Do you want to change?
Do you want to grow a backbone?
Do you want to feel more positive?
Do you want to stop hurting?
Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life?
Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little?

Maybe here, we can do it together. Or at least share and talk about it, and help eachother.

I am not in any therapy.. and won't be
I always want to change... and work on it constantly.
I wish I had more of a backbone yes...
Who doesn't want to feel more positive? I hate feeling negative so often..
I wish I didn't hurt everyday.. I wish the pain was not such a harsh reality.
Beautiful?? I am lucky the days I don't feel ugly and fat.
I say too much at times.. and too little others... like i've said too much here.. and i say too much when i get upset.. and go off on people.. but i dont say enough when people take advantage of me.

ok.. im done.. ill bbl..

(((Fem)))) hey gorgeous

~Shan

**FemNLeatherNLace** · 03-31-2004, 07:12 AM

((((Ms Shan))))) ((((((Gemme))))))).............(((((everyone))))))

**RyanCGY** · 03-31-2004, 09:39 AM

Hi everyone,

First...Hugs to all of you. Many thanks for sharing on this thread.

Im just wondering now, what kinds of things has everyone tried so they dont feel so low on themselves. Lately I have cut back on coffee and sweets, drank more water, ate healthier, and tried to make myself smile more. The results at this point arent alot, but some... I feel a tad better about me.

Whats everyone doing? Any tips on how to 'get through' the rough times?

**Goddessonmyknees23** · 03-31-2004, 12:26 PM

This is soooooo me. Except I have a back bone. I just want to get rid of my "I on't give a rat's ass attitude" that I have gotten form years of others not careing about. I figure if they don't care why should I.

I have tried and tried to love myself.But, it's getting to the point that I hate myself even more because of makeing myself. I think I'm beautiful. I know I'm smart. And I know I'm a wonderful person. But, I feel like the rest of the world sees a fat slob that's lazy and doens't do anything. You know?????

I guess being 23 on disability doesn't help my self estem either. But, I can't change that. Or it would have been changed by now.

I know I have a backbone. I just don't always use it. I can speak my mine. I jsust get scared to sometimes. And them the McDonalds guy gets the yelling later in the day.

Gawd I sound soooooooo pathetic. I have to go before i completely depress mylsef.

Goddess

**GemmeFemme** · 03-31-2004, 04:52 PM

Do you over-indulge in sex?
When I was married....(egads....that seems soooo long ago).....I would binge on sex with my husband. I wouldn't let him touch me at all for weeks or even months, then go a month or so screwing every second I could. I wouldn't stop, even when it hurt or I tore. I would literally screw him and me into a coma.

This usually happened when I felt super low about myself. It was my way, I know now, of compensating for those horrid feelings about myself and my self-worth and of maintaining some sort of control in my life, as irrational as that sounds.

Do you feel ugly?
On a regular basis, I feel not necessarily UGLY, but not beautiful....somewhere in between...lost in the land of the 'girl next door'.

Do you hate yourself?
Sometimes. For stupid stuff and for acting stupidly, but thankfully, I have given up the counterproductive habit of calling myself 'stupid'. I am learning to forgive myself for my inadequacies and flaws.

Do you still feel the stings and burns of child abuse?
Every day. Everything that I went through has made me the person I am today, for good or bad. To be honest, I would not want it differently. I would rather carry this pain and these memories, so that I may be able to connect with another person or child who has or is going through this and be able to help them in some small way.

Are you told you are too serious?
Not really. Usually, I hide my insecurities behind humor and self-deprecation. But those that know me well.....really well, yes. They know that I am constantly thinking and usually in a negative manner. My mom is a 'glass is almost empty...oh, my Gawd, the world is coming to an end' kind of person and that has imprinted itself on me, though I struggle to control that part of me and syphon it into something more positive.

Do you wish that somehow you could just break out of your secluded bubble in your head that wont seem to pop, so you can finally relate?
It's so odd, but I relate more to actors and actresses on the screen or the nightly news than to most human beings. I understand their pain and aggravation with my head, but my heart is slow to follow sometimes. Or rather, I find it hard to express what it is that I do relate to. Maybe that is a better way of saying it.

Are you too shy?
Yes, but I cover it well with humor and general nutty behavior. My friends think that I am a leader and can do anything and go anywhere......boy, do I have them fooled. Most of the time, my knees are knocking together and I carry the risk of falling down into a complete puddle of jello.

When you finally speak up, do you feel like youve said way too much?
Oh, do I ever!!! lol I have done it here, on the site. Many times....before I learned about the edit button.

Do people only see your exterior, and not your interior, and run?
I've never actually seen anyone run from me, but they have backed away slowly on occasion.

Are you judged?
Constantly. Everyone is. Anyone who says that they do not judge others is full of bologna...we all do, based on our personal experiences. Of course, I AM my harshest critic.

Unpopular because you more than dont fit in...you just cant?
I was never in the 'A crowd", but everyone knew me or at least remembered my face, if not my name...even now....10 years after high school. I am a bit of a loner, but when I do get comfortable, I am able to blend in quite well.

Are you an easy target for bullies?
No. I talk back. Loudly. They eventually learn to leave me the Hell alone.

Are you tired of feeling angry?
So much so, but forgiveness and leaving the past behind are not my forte.

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things?
No, and I have not been. One day, it would be interesting to see what a couselor has to say about me and what I have and have not accomplished.

Do you want to change?
Yes! In so many ways, both irrational and feasible.

Do you want to grow a backbone?
I have a backbone, when I comes to my family and friends and what I deem 'mine'. With myself, I do have a tendency to let those that I love to walk all over me. Luckily, that has started to change, after some truly painful lessons.

Do you want to feel more positive?
Sure I do. Who doesn't? Richard Simmons? Okay, if he has one more positive thought, he might burst, but for the average person....we all do.

Do you want to stop hurting?
Yes. The likelihood of that is minimal at best right now though.

Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life?
I've felt beautiful on a few select occasions, but the things that happened afterwards with the people that made me feel that way have tarnished the memory somewhat.

I have an interesting dilemma. Well, it is interesting to my friends, anyway. I have a hard time accepting compliments. Especially ones from people I hardly know. Someone on this site told me that I was beautiful while we were having a private convo and I had a very hard time with it....became argumentative even over it. I was taught through words as well as actions that if you get something positive or good, there is a catch somewhere down the line. That is a hard lesson to unlearn.

Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little?
I talk. I talk a LOT. If people look reeeeaaaaaal close, they can see what I am really saying, not just what the words mean. In my mind, I say the exactly right amount, but in reality....usually it's too much.

(((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))

**kylie** · 04-03-2004, 10:37 PM

I like this thread..I like how people are letting themselves be vulnerable in here...I am not going to answer those questions tonight though as I am somewhat down tonight....wouldn't be a good idea I dont think.

Gemme..I am still stalking you..I think we were seperated at birth sometimes...I can so relate to things you write most of the time.
*big hug*

Good thread!

**Miss_Queenie** · 04-04-2004, 03:07 AM

I am so loving this thread! (Warning: Amy, is about to become very vulnerable.

)

Do you feel ugly?
All the time. It's gotten to the ponit where I have a hard time leaving my apt.

Do you hate yourself?
Yes, at times. Hate my self, for some of the things I've done to myself.

Are you told you are too serious?
Yup. Always been tolled, "Amy, you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Do you wish that somehow you could just break out of your secluded bubble in your head that wont seem to pop, so you can finally relate?
Yes, I do. Can't seem to do that, though...

Are you too shy?
I am so bloody shy. That it annoys me!

When you finally speak up, do you feel like you've said way too much?
Yeah. Or that, what I've said makes no senseS whatsoever.

Do people only see your exterior, and not your interior, and run?
Yes, I think some of that is in my head, though. I still have bad PTSD from getting bashed around from people in my life.

Are you judged?
I think everyone judges me. I'm to bloody afraid to go out into the real world, and find a job.
I just cannot do it. Whenever I try to do so, I get all freaked out. I know that's really silly. I'm old enough to realize that I do need a job, and I need to get over my fears. My fears being, will they like me, will they not like what I look like. Meaning I wont get the job.

Unpopular because you more than don't fit in...you just cant.
Unpopular cause I just cannot deal with people for the most part.

Are you an easy target for bullies?
I have been for the better part of my life.

Are you in counselling/therapy for these things?
Was in counseling for most part of my preteen, and teenaged years.

Do you want to change?
Yes, I do. I don't think I have it in me..

Do you want to grow a backbone?
I wish I could.

Do you want to feel more positive?
Yes, that would be a nice change.

Do you want to stop hurting?
Yes, Don't know if I can, though.

Do you want to feel beautiful for the first time in your life?
Yes,. And maybe have a little bit more self wroth. That would be nice!

Do you want to say things...not too much and not too little?
Yes, I'm not good at telling people how I feel about them. This has coasted me a few relationships.

*puffy away on her ciggy*
Oh, that wasn't easy to do...

**RyanCGY** · 04-04-2004, 07:49 AM

(((Queenie))) Thanks so much for your reply...thank you for sharing...

Thanks to all who have so courageously opened up on this thread. Its helped alot to read your stories and learn about you all.

Much thanks..
Ryan

**SouthernBelle** · 04-04-2004, 07:58 AM

I won't reply to every question, but I will say that I worry too much about EVERYthing and have been told I need to relax, for sure.
One thing I would like would be just a few minutes every day of white noise in my head. Just like a ten minute reprieve from thoughts, emotions, worries, fantasies, dreams . . . . is it too much to ask?
My butch always looks pensive and thoughtful and I ask "What are you thinking about?" and the answer is "Nothing". And means it!!!!!! I want a little "nothing" for myself. If anyone knows how to acquire this state, please contact me.
Southern

**GemmeFemme** · 04-04-2004, 05:44 PM

Originally posted by kylie
Gemme..I am still stalking you..I think we were seperated at birth sometimes...I can so relate to things you write most of the time.
*big hug*

Good thread!

Aww....thank you, sweetie. A little vulnerability never killed anyone on these threads...come back when you can.

{{{{{{{{{kylie}}}}}}}}}

**bit** · 04-05-2004, 05:32 AM

Originally posted by SouthernBelle
One thing I would like would be just a few minutes every day of white noise in my head. Just like a ten minute reprieve from thoughts, emotions, worries, fantasies, dreams . . . . is it too much to ask?

Not at all, Southern! You can get there through meditation. It takes some practice, but it really does work.

Another way to get there is through hypnosis. If you explain to a hypnotist or a hypnotherapist what you want, they can help you get there easily and give you the control to get there by yourself whenever you want to after that. It's much faster than teaching yourself to meditate, but it's also more expensive.

Thread: Wanting to feel beautiful...

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