I have been staying away from the local Scene for awhile since I have met so many people there who are all about game-playing, manipulation, and posturing of various sorts. I have racked up quite a list of folks I'd just as soon not run into for various and sundry reasons, not all of them related to my comments above.
Last August, a woman answered the ad I had/have on Planet Out. She identified herself as being into SM, and said she wanted to meet some people and make friends. We talked on the phone a few times; I decided that she was just the type of radical feminist with whom I can barely have a conversation... But since she and I are in a similar profession, I decided to meet her anyway. After all, friends are good to have, and, I thought, perhaps we could be friends in spite of all our philosophical differences.
I dressed in a baggy T-shirt and shorts to meet her at a large bookstore. I certainly wasn't taking the meeting particularly seriously. Well. When I saw this woman, I felt like someone had punched me in the crotch. She was/is absolutely the most beautiful woman I have ever in my life had occasion to have a real conversation with. Seriously - all I could do was drool; I was practically incoherent. Every head in the room turned when she walked in. Men even came up to offer her a seat at their tables. The young gay grrls stared. I had never seen a woman treated this way before. And I couldn't believe this magnetic woman would be sitting at MY table, talking to ME. And in addition to all of that "gorgeousity" - she is a true genius; she has a rapier tongue and an even sharper mind. I - no slouch mentally - was putty in her hands from the first moment.
She was adamant that she was only looking for a friendship from me and nothing more; she wanted to meet other Scene people, and she knew that I know almost everything SM that's going on within a 300 mile radius. She wanted me to "show her around," and introduce her to other women she WOULD want to play with. But after the second time we met face-to-face, I knew for a fact that I could not stand to be around this woman in any capacity unless it would be I that she was playing with.... and I told her that. I told her, "Look - I want to fuck you - I want to date you - I want to play with you. But I can't be friends. You're waaaaay too good-looking. I can't handle being around you if all we can have is friendship." I made it very clear to her that I never wanted to see her again. I mean, I've been celibate and haven't played with anyone for almost a year - the last thing I wanted was to spend a lot of time hanging out with a beautiful, brilliant woman who I knew I couldn't have. Plus - introducing her to and watching her play with those other people would probably kill me. Anyway, she was sincerely upset... but I could tell too (from the way people acted toward her) that this was a woman who is used to everyone doing exactly what she wants. I was probably one of the few people in her life who outright rejected her. She told me that she really liked me, and if I changed my mind about us being friends, I should let her know. I (with a great comeback, for a change) told her that if SHE ever changed HER mind, that SHE should let ME know.
She and I exchanged a few innocuous e-mails after that, and I thought we may be able to have a strictly e-mail exchange - truly, we do have a lot in common, and she is incredible - but then she attempted to try to tease me (if "teasing" is the right word for this kind of intense emotional manipulation) in a sexual/SM way in the e-mails, and when I called her on it, she did that old trick of telling ME that I misunderstood her advances... Well, I've been there, done that. I know what I know, and no one can decieve me about such things anymore. No one plays head games with me - I'm too old and too smart. So I cut her off completely.
Fast forward to now, six months later. I thought I would venture out to meet with a just-forming SM women's group; they're meeting Saturday night (tommorow the 24th). I didn't recognize anyone on the e-mail list, and I thought it would be great to "get out there" again and meet some new people.
Lo and behold, I got an e-mail this morning from Ms. Gorgeous. She told me that SHE is on that list, and that, since she recognized my name, she thought she'd warn me that she will be at the meeting. She said that she'd be happy to see me and talk to me, but that she'd understand if I don't feel the same, and she would keep her distance if that's what I wanted.
So - do I blow off yet ANOTHER function because of someone I don't want to run into...??? This is a large SM community, but not THAT large. I keep thinking that if I wait long enough, some of these people will just fade away (like I have), and that I'll be able to go back to Scene events without running into women who were abusive Tops, liars, manipulators, etc.
But - the REAL issue is - I am a bottom. A real submissive. I can - and do - switch, but... you know how it is. Frankly, I am afraid of what I would allow this woman to do to me mentally if I did allow her back into my life - and I'm afraid that, if I see her again in person, I will. I mean, the simple fact that I'm spending so much time writing and posting this (when I'm supposed to be doing something else much more important) tells you how much of an impression she made on me, and you have no idea how long it took me to put her completely out of my mind.
And now, she's back, dominating my thoughts.
So - should I go to the function - a dinner - tomorrow night?? Or stay home, safe and sound (like I've been doing), and give up the chance to meet other, perhaps interesting, Scene women...??
Any advice will be gratefully received. But please, be gentle. I'm feeling beat up enough right now already.