Request for advice before the 24th @ 6pm

[chrisfla]

Hi all.

I have been staying away from the local Scene for awhile since I have met so many people there who are all about game-playing, manipulation, and posturing of various sorts. I have racked up quite a list of folks I'd just as soon not run into for various and sundry reasons, not all of them related to my comments above.

Last August, a woman answered the ad I had/have on Planet Out. She identified herself as being into SM, and said she wanted to meet some people and make friends. We talked on the phone a few times; I decided that she was just the type of radical feminist with whom I can barely have a conversation... But since she and I are in a similar profession, I decided to meet her anyway. After all, friends are good to have, and, I thought, perhaps we could be friends in spite of all our philosophical differences.

I dressed in a baggy T-shirt and shorts to meet her at a large bookstore. I certainly wasn't taking the meeting particularly seriously. Well. When I saw this woman, I felt like someone had punched me in the crotch. She was/is absolutely the most beautiful woman I have ever in my life had occasion to have a real conversation with. Seriously - all I could do was drool; I was practically incoherent. Every head in the room turned when she walked in. Men even came up to offer her a seat at their tables. The young gay grrls stared. I had never seen a woman treated this way before. And I couldn't believe this magnetic woman would be sitting at MY table, talking to ME. And in addition to all of that "gorgeousity" - she is a true genius; she has a rapier tongue and an even sharper mind. I - no slouch mentally - was putty in her hands from the first moment.

She was adamant that she was only looking for a friendship from me and nothing more; she wanted to meet other Scene people, and she knew that I know almost everything SM that's going on within a 300 mile radius. She wanted me to "show her around," and introduce her to other women she WOULD want to play with. But after the second time we met face-to-face, I knew for a fact that I could not stand to be around this woman in any capacity unless it would be I that she was playing with.... and I told her that. I told her, "Look - I want to fuck you - I want to date you - I want to play with you. But I can't be friends. You're waaaaay too good-looking. I can't handle being around you if all we can have is friendship." I made it very clear to her that I never wanted to see her again. I mean, I've been celibate and haven't played with anyone for almost a year - the last thing I wanted was to spend a lot of time hanging out with a beautiful, brilliant woman who I knew I couldn't have. Plus - introducing her to and watching her play with those other people would probably kill me. Anyway, she was sincerely upset... but I could tell too (from the way people acted toward her) that this was a woman who is used to everyone doing exactly what she wants. I was probably one of the few people in her life who outright rejected her. She told me that she really liked me, and if I changed my mind about us being friends, I should let her know. I (with a great comeback, for a change) told her that if SHE ever changed HER mind, that SHE should let ME know.

She and I exchanged a few innocuous e-mails after that, and I thought we may be able to have a strictly e-mail exchange - truly, we do have a lot in common, and she is incredible - but then she attempted to try to tease me (if "teasing" is the right word for this kind of intense emotional manipulation) in a sexual/SM way in the e-mails, and when I called her on it, she did that old trick of telling ME that I misunderstood her advances... Well, I've been there, done that. I know what I know, and no one can decieve me about such things anymore. No one plays head games with me - I'm too old and too smart. So I cut her off completely.

Fast forward to now, six months later. I thought I would venture out to meet with a just-forming SM women's group; they're meeting Saturday night (tommorow the 24th). I didn't recognize anyone on the e-mail list, and I thought it would be great to "get out there" again and meet some new people.

Lo and behold, I got an e-mail this morning from Ms. Gorgeous. She told me that SHE is on that list, and that, since she recognized my name, she thought she'd warn me that she will be at the meeting. She said that she'd be happy to see me and talk to me, but that she'd understand if I don't feel the same, and she would keep her distance if that's what I wanted.

So - do I blow off yet ANOTHER function because of someone I don't want to run into...??? This is a large SM community, but not THAT large. I keep thinking that if I wait long enough, some of these people will just fade away (like I have), and that I'll be able to go back to Scene events without running into women who were abusive Tops, liars, manipulators, etc.

But - the REAL issue is - I am a bottom. A real submissive. I can - and do - switch, but... you know how it is. Frankly, I am afraid of what I would allow this woman to do to me mentally if I did allow her back into my life - and I'm afraid that, if I see her again in person, I will. I mean, the simple fact that I'm spending so much time writing and posting this (when I'm supposed to be doing something else much more important) tells you how much of an impression she made on me, and you have no idea how long it took me to put her completely out of my mind.

And now, she's back, dominating my thoughts.

So - should I go to the function - a dinner - tomorrow night?? Or stay home, safe and sound (like I've been doing), and give up the chance to meet other, perhaps interesting, Scene women...??

Any advice will be gratefully received. But please, be gentle. I'm feeling beat up enough right now already.

Thanks--

Chris

[Joseph Sideburn]

Go.

There are ALWAYS going to be people at functions that you don't get along with - it's part of life.

Respect each other's boundaries and have a good time.

[Words]

I agree with Joseph. Go, focus NOT on her but on meeting someone new, and have a wonderful time. Let us know how you get on *w*...

Words

[selena2003]

Go! Dont miss out on something you want to do because of one woman. Just stay on the other side of the room. Dont focus on her. Have fun!

[chrisfla]

I just wish I had all of you there with me; then I'd for sure go. You could keep me out of trouble.

I'm just afraid that, one look at her, and I'll be a "goner." She'll snap her fingers and I won't even ask how high; I'll just jump. Which wouldn't necessarily be a BAD thing, mind you - but since she doesn't even want to top me....

I just got an e-mail saying that the hostess of this gathering (which is at a casual restaurant, by the way - and there will probably be about 10 women there) is planning on future meetings at her house dungeon. There I may have the privilege of watching Ms. Gorgeous play with other women. Bah.

Wish I was "married" and had a Daddy at home. Then this wouldn't even be an issue.

Whine, whine, whine. I'm making MYSELF sick. I should just go, dress like the hottie I am, and ignore her (fine young) ass. "YOU HAF NO POWER OVER ME!!"

[KissMePlease]

Go. Have fun.

Remember, a beautiful package is simply that. It is what is inside that counts. The inside of said package seems not to be what you are looking for or NEED.

Have fun at your gathering.

[Words]

You're letting her 'win'...STOP IT! lol...

[chrisfla]

Point well taken...

[kimmy714]

I say go and have fun, do not let her know she is bothering you , that is part of the game. I always say to go with your gut, and if you are already feeling manipulated by this woman, dont give her any more power over you.

[waveshi2u]

i would just look good go out have fun and if she come up and say hi say hi back and just move so many others and no one got it all she just a player and do you really like that well good luck i hope it all works out for you and dont let it get to you have funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[joey1]

go..


*still laughing at the being punched in the crotch comment*

[chrisfla]

"GO!" seems to be the consensus of opinion... I guess I just need some emotional support. I mean, this woman had my brain by the gonads, so to speak... and she wasn't even working at it that hard. I have, once or twice in the past, put myself in "woman" situations I shouldn't have, thinking - well, if I KNOW she's trouble (or whatever), then I'm prepared - and she can't get to me... yada yada yada.

Well - that would be me being arrogant...

I'm feeling - and was even when I first met her - particularly emotionally vulnerable, since I've been single for so long. I mean, that's why I reacted so quickly to her and pushed her away like she was a poisonous snake... I can't let a woman like her get inside my head, as much as there's the submissive part of me (as well as the part that's lonely) that YEARNS for it, and is almost helpless against it. I was so proud of myself!! The intellect won (for a change) and I ran from her like she was Sallie Mae coming to collect my student loan Once upon a time, I would have followed her around like a hungry puppy... So my reaction - and my subsequent sticking to it - was great emotional progress, for me.

It took me so long to put her out of my head, though... I hate to risk all that again just on the "off chance" I might meet somebody nice (which obviously hasn't happened in four years). I'm afraid I'm tempting fate - plus, I'm afraid that NOW, I'll be going for all the wrong reasons. I mean, now I'm thinking about HER... What should I wear now that I know SHE'll be there...?? I was going to dress as a total Top; I am a switch, after all, and as a Top I don't feel so vulnerable among strangers. But I'd like her to see me dressed as a femme bottom. I want to turn her head. Like - yo, bitch - see what you're missing??? God. Women make me nuts - and that includes ME. I've often wished I were a gay man.

Oh well. I guess I'll just keep reminding myself that, as gorgeous and brilliant as she is... I just don't need it. Too much drama and craziness. As a friend of mine used to say, "Everything has its price." And hers is waaaay too high, certainly for what I'M going to get out of it - which is NOTHING but GRIEF.

Anyone willing to keep patting me on the back - I really appreciate it.

And thanks so much for all the wonderful responses.

Chris

[UrBelovedFemme]

Well, if you are going, then my advice would be to dress as a Total Top like your original plan was. You mentioned yourself that you feel less vulnerable as a Top. If you dress as a bottom, it sounds like you would only be doing it for her. This is about you, NOT her.

Anything you do as a result of thinking of her, will keep her in your head that night.

Congratulations on your personal growth and progress. Keep up the good work!!

Beloved

[CremmedelaFemme]

First of all, I congradulate you on being couragoues enough to be honest and forthrite about your situation here. You are genuinly looking for an answer. I don't wanna analyze this, but you leave me no choice. So let's piece this together.

I have been staying away from the local Scene for awhile since I have met so many people there who are all about game-playing, manipulation, and posturing of various sorts. I have racked up quite a list of folks I'd just as soon not run into for various and sundry reasons, not all of them related to my comments above.

There are so many different kinds of people in this world. And yes you will run into crap. Your best bet is to avoid it when your out, find non crap to socialize with, so as not to scare yourself out of this scene. The folks you dont want to run into therefore become irrelivant. Follow your insticnt.

Last August, a woman answered the ad I had/have on Planet Out. She identified herself as being into SM, and said she wanted to meet some people and make friends. We talked on the phone a few times; I decided that she was just the type of radical feminist with whom I can barely have a conversation... But since she and I are in a similar profession, I decided to meet her anyway. After all, friends are good to have, and, I thought, perhaps we could be friends in spite of all our philosophical differences.

This woman answered an ad you put out there. You decided you coundn't converse but based on a similarity, gave her the benifit of the doubt. You can never have enough friends. You could be friends. Your choice.

I dressed in a baggy T-shirt and shorts to meet her at a large bookstore. I certainly wasn't taking the meeting particularly seriously. Well. When I saw this woman, I felt like someone had punched me in the crotch. She was/is absolutely the most beautiful woman I have ever in my life had occasion to have a real conversation with. Seriously - all I could do was drool; I was practically incoherent. Every head in the room turned when she walked in. Men even came up to offer her a seat at their tables. The young gay grrls stared. I had never seen a woman treated this way before. And I couldn't believe this magnetic woman would be sitting at MY table, talking to ME. And in addition to all of that "gorgeousity" - she is a true genius; she has a rapier tongue and an even sharper mind. I - no slouch mentally - was putty in her hands from the first moment.
[COLOR=firebrick] U had no expectations which was perfect. You went as you. As for the drooling and the magic she posses, you sounded hypmotized. Did she notice this? I'm sure she's use to that attention and reaction. It gets redundant to some women./COLOR]

[Gillie]

You are obviously a very intelligent person. You want to go...go. Do you know how awesome it is to face your fears

We have a lot in common. I have been alone for a long time, and I literally have to force myself to go places by myself, but I am doing it. Once I get there I am have a good time, and you will too.

Hold your head up high, you have a lot to be proud of

[CremmedelaFemme]

She was adamant that she was only looking for a friendship from me and nothing more; she wanted to meet other Scene people, and she knew that I know almost everything SM that's going on within a 300 mile radius. She wanted me to "show her around," and introduce her to other women she WOULD want to play with. But after the second time we met face-to-face, I knew for a fact that I could not stand to be around this woman in any capacity unless it would be I that she was playing with.... and I told her that. I told her, "Look - I want to fuck you - I want to date you - I want to play with you. But I can't be friends. You're waaaaay too good-looking. I can't handle being around you if all we can have is friendship." I made it very clear to her that I never wanted to see her again. I mean, I've been celibate and haven't played with anyone for almost a year - the last thing I wanted was to spend a lot of time hanging out with a beautiful, brilliant woman who I knew I couldn't have. Plus - introducing her to and watching her play with those other people would probably kill me. Anyway, she was sincerely upset... but I could tell too (from the way people acted toward her) that this was a woman who is used to everyone doing exactly what she wants. I was probably one of the few people in her life who outright rejected her. She told me that she really liked me, and if I changed my mind about us being friends, I should let her know. I (with a great comeback, for a change) told her that if SHE ever changed HER mind, that SHE should let ME know.
She adamantly let you know where she stood. After your second meeting, you made it clear of what you wanted. If you feel such a strong connection to her at this point, your doing yourself and her a favor by your honesty in this paragraph. I'm sure she was upset because she must get this alot. People who want her for what she exudes. And when she cannot receiprecate it, she loses out. On a new friend. On a new connection. It's sad really. I'm sure she has had people tell her no. I'm sure more than once.Maybe not in play, or relationships, or maybe even at work. But with family or coworkers, or the hostess who tells her there is a wait for a table. Belive me the women gets "no's" .It doesn't mean it isn't upsetting to hear your looks are in the way. Your both standing your ground with the last statement. She want platonic, you want play. You both should stand your values *S.

She and I exchanged a few innocuous e-mails after that, and I thought we may be able to have a strictly e-mail exchange - truly, we do have a lot in common, and she is incredible - but then she attempted to try to tease me (if "teasing" is the right word for this kind of intense emotional manipulation) in a sexual/SM way in the e-mails, and when I called her on it, she did that old trick of telling ME that I misunderstood her advances... Well, I've been there, done that. I know what I know, and no one can decieve me about such things anymore. No one plays head games with me - I'm too old and too smart. So I cut her off completely.

Now. you already have a chemical reaction to this woman. Emails are not going to make things Easier. You cannot rewind in the game of life. Attemting to try to tease you! LOL You percieve her as giving you intense emotional manipulation, but I bet, If you never did see her, and she was asking, or probing the same thoughts/questions, you wouldn't percive it that way at all. When you called her on it, she of course thought you misunderstood her questions/thoughts. She told you ADAMATLY she's not interested in that with you. So you MUST have misunderstood?!?!?! The end of this paragraph concerns me. No one can decive you. Head Game you. Even if they are straight out bullshitting you. UNLESS. You let them. I don't think she is, and I don't think you would put up with it. I think your head and your heart are combined and you are confused luv. This is a thick forest. I hope you cut THIS off for the right reasons *W I take it there has been absolutly no contact for these 6 months?

Lo and behold, I got an e-mail this morning from Ms. Gorgeous. She told me that SHE is on that list, and that, since she recognized my name, she thought she'd warn me that she will be at the meeting. She said that she'd be happy to see me and talk to me, but that she'd understand if I don't feel the same, and she would keep her distance if that's what I wanted.

Did she actually use the word 'warn' . I wanna warn you. Or, I noticed you were on the list and wanted to let you know so am I? I'm sure what she says is true. She holds nothing against you, AND she's understanding if your issues are going to get in the way. Offering to keep her distance if you are uncomfortable. That's admirable in my books. Did you take it loving and caring? Or did you feel her email was 'headgames'.

[CremmedelaFemme]

So - do I blow off yet ANOTHER function because of someone I don't want to run into...??? This is a large SM community, but not THAT large. I keep thinking that if I wait long enough, some of these people will just fade away (like I have), and that I'll be able to go back to Scene events without running into women who were abusive Tops, liars, manipulators, etc.
Well, If you seriously don't think you can handle running into her, then don't go. I'm back to the spend time with people who are not abusive Tops, liars, manioulators, so you don't recognize these people, therefore never fear of running into them. The waiting long enough sounds like a big waste of time to me.

But - the REAL issue is - I am a bottom. A real submissive. I can - and do - switch, but... you know how it is. Frankly, I am afraid of what I would allow this woman to do to me mentally if I did allow her back into my life - and I'm afraid that, if I see her again in person, I will. I mean, the simple fact that I'm spending so much time writing and posting this (when I'm supposed to be doing something else much more important) tells you how much of an impression she made on me, and you have no idea how long it took me to put her completely out of my mind.
BUT- the REAL issue is B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T! Sorry. but. It has nothing to do with you being a submissive bottom. Switch, whatever. The REAL issue is in your next statement. You know you better then anyone sweetie, if you're afraid that, if you see her in person, your gonna get all caught up in the magic of Ms Gorgeous, then I dunno . Stay home??? Tell me you don't think this is love at first site. Go on. Lie to me *S

And now, she's back, dominating my thoughts.

So - should I go to the function - a dinner - tomorrow night?? Or stay home, safe and sound (like I've been doing), and give up the chance to meet other, perhaps interesting, Scene women...??

Any advice will be gratefully received. But please, be gentle. I'm feeling beat up enough right now already.

End of story is. GRAB LIFE BY THE NUTZ HERE. Go. Know she is a weakness for you. Affirm where she stands. Meet new people. You'll have to force yourself. Literally kick your own ass to be there, smilin'. Meetin' and greetin'. Force yourself because you are so worth frolicking where you desire. And nobody NOBODY should EVER stand in your way. If you feel you just cant' get over it. You must force yourself. You did a great job expressing here, and you have alot of support. Your on the right track my friend. Belive in yourself. Grab a helpin hand just where you need it and go for it! !!

[CremmedelaFemme]

Originally posted by Gillie
You are obviously a very intelligent person. You want to go...go. Do you know how awesome it is to face your fears

We have a lot in common. I have been alone for a long time, and I literally have to force myself to go places by myself, but I am doing it. Once I get there I am have a good time, and you will too.

Hold your head up high, you have a lot to be proud of

exactly what Gillie said!

[CremmedelaFemme]

chrisfla I just wish I had all of you there with me; then I'd for sure go. You could keep me out of trouble.

I'm just afraid that, one look at her, and I'll be a "goner." She'll snap her fingers and I won't even ask how high; I'll just jump. Which wouldn't necessarily be a BAD thing, mind you - but since she doesn't even want to top me....

I just got an e-mail saying that the hostess of this gathering (which is at a casual restaurant, by the way - and there will probably be about 10 women there) is planning on future meetings at her house dungeon. There I may have the privilege of watching Ms. Gorgeous play with other women. Bah.

Wish I was "married" and had a Daddy at home. Then this wouldn't even be an issue.

Whine, whine, whine. I'm making MYSELF sick. I should just go, dress like the hottie I am, and ignore her (fine young) ass. "YOU HAF NO POWER OVER ME!!


Ah fear. Fear of the unknown. What if we choose our reaction beforhand? She doens't want to top you. Not now anyway. Who knows what the future holds? You don't want to watch her play at all. You want to be in the sandbox. It's happening right now, but patience my friend. If you can ruster up the courage, and i'm sure you can. To swallow those words , and still be near this woman you would have it all. *w K. Now i'm confused. You wish you had a 'daddy' at home and this beautiful Top is a 'femme' or? ? Now. THE POWER OF THIS LAST STATEMENT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO AFFIRM YOURSELF WITH. PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT even those times you don't belive it, tell youself it *w

"GO!" seems to be the consensus of opinion... I guess I just need some emotional support. I mean, this woman had my brain by the gonads, so to speak... and she wasn't even working at it that hard. I have, once or twice in the past, put myself in "woman" situations I shouldn't have, thinking - well, if I KNOW she's trouble (or whatever), then I'm prepared - and she can't get to me... yada yada yada.

Well - that would be me being arrogant...You got the emotional support here my friend. You let her have your brain now didn't you? You even say she wasn't even working at that, This is so not arrogant. This is so honest and healthy. She can't get to you *S You are in control!

I'm feeling - and was even when I first met her - particularly emotionally vulnerable, since I've been single for so long. I mean, that's why I reacted so quickly to her and pushed her away like she was a poisonous snake... I can't let a woman like her get inside my head, as much as there's the submissive part of me (as well as the part that's lonely) that YEARNS for it, and is almost helpless against it. I was so proud of myself!! The intellect won (for a change) and I ran from her like she was Sallie Mae coming to collect my student loan Once upon a time, I would have followed her around like a hungry puppy... So my reaction - and my subsequent sticking to it - was great emotional progress, for me.
You are so honest, and forthrite here. You are on the money. You have progressed and you should be VERY proud.

It took me so long to put her out of my head, though... I hate to risk all that again just on the "off chance" I might meet somebody nice (which obviously hasn't happened in four years). I'm afraid I'm tempting fate - plus, I'm afraid that NOW, I'll be going for all the wrong reasons. I mean, now I'm thinking about HER... What should I wear now that I know SHE'll be there...?? I was going to dress as a total Top; I am a switch, after all, and as a Top I don't feel so vulnerable among strangers. But I'd like her to see me dressed as a femme bottom. I want to turn her head. Like - yo, bitch - see what you're missing??? God. Women make me nuts - and that includes ME. I've often wished I were a gay man.

LOL Your sooo cute. Let me say it is so worth the risk, cause your not gonna risk much. You know where she stands, and what you can handle. Your gonna hold your head up, smile and say hi, and force your attention on your goal. Meetint and greeting new people.You'd be tempting fate if you don't go. After all, it has been 4 years, so risk your chance of meeting her here. You were prepared for this gathering BEFORE you knew Ms Gorgeous was going to be there. Don't let this be about her. Let it be about you. Dress how you want to dress for this gig. NOT for her. Care about you. Not her. Put yourself first. I'm sure she does *S. That's in the end what's so magical. Someone who knows what they are, what they want, and are honest and considerate about it. That's what she is. That's what you can be too *S Now that's head turning. You said so yourself in your fist post, she was turning heads, you go as the Top you wanna be, and turn some heads. And honey, if you were a gay man, the wymen would STILL drive you nutz when you let them !


Oh well. I guess I'll just keep reminding myself that, as gorgeous and brilliant as she is... I just don't need it. Too much drama and craziness. As a friend of mine used to say, "Everything has its price." And hers is waaaay too high, certainly for what I'M going to get out of it - which is NOTHING but GRIEF.

Anyone willing to keep patting me on the back - I really appreciate it.

And thanks so much for all the wonderful responses.

Chris
As gorgeous and as brilliant as she is you just can't have it right now. You don't have what it takes to accept what she has to offer at this point. She is offering friendship, and if you cant give her that, then just keep your distance. You know what is acceptable. Work on the traits that make you a head turner, magical, irresistable. Believe what you want, who you are. Appreciate the finest qualities and work on them every day confidence, Honesty, Acceptance, Consideration, Respect. It all comes together there. Please don't let her hinder where you go, and how you appear. That's too much power to give ANYONE not in the seriousness of the game that is.

WOW. I sure had alot to say to your dillema Chris.
I hope it's helpful or in the least, insiteful. I just couldn't resisit combing your posts. I feel for you, and this situation.
I have been close to here before.
Please go and have a wonderful evening. Just surround yourself in your interests, and keep smilin. If your not smiline, or tittilated *s, check out the next group.
It worx for me.
Can't wait to check up and see how it went! ! !

[ufeelmeyet]

My vote is to GO and just don't speak to the woman if being around her makes you uncomfortable. Don't let her ruin it for any other great woman you may meet there!

[chrisfla]

I've decided to go ahead and go. Thank you all for the wonderful advice and support. I really needed it - and all of you have been great.

And yes, I'm a femme - and she's femme as well - but I am attracted to the occasional femme, even though I'd never marry one. So - right there, I know she's not "marriage material." And even if she were, wanted to date me, and was straight-up honest, I couldn't be in a relationship with her. She's WAAAAAY too high emotional maintenence (as people who ride the line between genius and insanity often are). And there have been more than a few women in the last four years who I've turned away because, although it might have been fun for a night or a week or a few months, I knew I didn't want a relationship with them. And THAT's what I'm looking for - a LTR. NOT a play partner or a one-night-stand. For better or worse, those days for me are over.

So - armed with that knowledge, I should be fine. Like you all said - I'll try to concentrate on meeting new people and having a good time. I mean, I'm never going to meet my future husband just sitting in this house. And that's what I've BEEN doing, for the last year or so... I have to break that cycle. Might as well meet it head on. After confronting THIS situation, running into the other folks I've been trying to avoid should be a piece of cake.

I just hope I can keep this resolve once I lay eyes on her. I'll practice.

Thanks so much again, everyone. It is so gratifying to know that I have this kind of support. I will absolutely let you all know what happens at the dinner, and - maybe I'll even meet someone interesting! If not, hopefully, at least I'll have a good meal.

[BPR]

another vote of support. i am gald you are going. and when you get back, we want details!

[CremmedelaFemme]

I'm saddened to see not one answer to any of my questions here.
Hm
Time well spent? ? ?

[aprettydress]

i'm reading/have been reading this thread like it's cake. because, well, it is.

Cremme: lots of your questions have obvious answers, or are rhetorical (at the very least leading), in nature--no?

as i've stated, i've read this thread (even aloud) carefully--maybe i missed your questions...? if so, i do apologize.

is this personal? you seem more invested than the average poster--if so, that would make more sense.

dress

[CremmedelaFemme]

I asked if it has been 6 months with no word.
Is that leading or rhetorical?
I also asked if this is love at first site. The comment at the end would lead the reader to believe I think so yes.

And yes Dress, personal to a degree. I have been on a side of this situation and it's nothing positive for either partner. I see the poster appears strong and has suitable affirmations for herself and would love to show support and give what little strokes I can.
That's it and all
Had some time on my hands and am a quick typer

[chrisfla]

Well. I guess I'm glad I went... but I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.

I did meet some nice women, but no one I was particularly interested in dating/playing with....

And the entire time I was sitting there, I was waiting for Ms. Gorgeous to make her appearance. She is one of those women who is always late, probably to make a dramatic entrance. Just when I was sure that she wasn't going to show (she was over an hour late), she came over to our tables.

I was OK. I snuck a glance at her every now and then, and she did at me as well. But it was fairly easy to hide behind the woman sitting beside me, and I did that. I told myself that she was looking at me 'cause I looked GOOD - and when I went to the ladies' room to check my lipstick, I did indeed look good. Feeling a bit cocky, and with women leaving the table to go to the pansexual play party scheduled for after this dinner, I moved closer to her at the table. I had been watching her talk to some of the women down there, but I hadn't heard a word. So I started to talk to her, and get in on the conversation they all were having. I could tell that she was glad I was talking to her. I asked her a few questions about how her life's been, and apparently, it's been a little stressful, with things not going exactly as she'd planned. I asked her if she had found anyone that she wanted to play with since I'd seen her last, and she told me she hadn't.... Even then, I felt totally in control of myself, like I wasn't letting her presence affect me.

But - I did something I shouldn't have... when I found out that she was going to attend the play party, I allowed the other women there to talk me into going as well. I wasn't going to go.... and I'm damned sorry I did.

That was where I kind of lost it.

At the play party, she started talking to some women I know (about 1/2 of them were of the "I'm trying to avoid them" genre). And she was having a wonderful time. It was killing me... especially with what I know about some of those women. I finally pulled her aside and we talked for a few minutes... The bottom line was/is still the same for both of us. She only wants to be friends, and I want more from her than that. She told me that she was really glad to see me - but I shrugged my shoulders and said to her, "But what can I do???" She knew what I meant. I am still so attracted to her that I can't possibly be her friend, and she knows that. It took me about a half hour more of torturing myself by watching her speaking to these other women (who she probably will play with sooner or later) to drag myself away from that party. I mean, earlier, I had asked two different women I knew there if they wanted to top me, and neither of them was receptive to that suggestion.... So I didn't much see the point in staying. Why torture myself any more....????

So, now I'm home. The entire drive back (about an hour), I felt awful. I kept thinking of all the things I want to tell her that I know I can't - because if I open THAT Pandora's box again... well.... I don't even want to think about it. I mean - but it's been tough to find women here who have the same kind of professional background as I, who I can really talk to - and I felt that way from the first about her. I feel that there are things I could talk to her about that no one else I know here would understand. But - I came home to an empty house (at least my dog was waiting for me), wondering why I bother even going out when I run into the same women over and over and over again...

I'm incredibly tired of being single. I'm damned good at it by this time, but I am still often very lonely. My body ACHES to be used by someone who inspires me to fall to my knees.... And I haven't had anyone top me for at least a year, because I don't trust too many tops anymore (I've had more than my share of bad experiences). It shows the extent of my unfulfilled physical need that I asked two women to top me this evening - when I know better than to play with women whom I haven't already seen top someone.

Anyway--

Again, thank you all for your support. It's great knowing that there are people who are interested in what's happening to me.

I think I'll just have myself a good cry and put it all behind me. I'm better off just hoping I'll meet a nice woman in, say, the dog park, rather than going to these "affairs."

I'm going to bed. Thanks again, all.

Chris..... feeling pretty pathetic, but I'm sure I'll be over it by the morning.

[KissMePlease]

Originally posted by chrisfla


I'm better off just hoping I'll meet a nice woman in, say, the dog park, rather than going to these "affairs."

((((((((( CHRIS )))))))))

The statement above shows growth, honey.

Remember growing pains as a child?

We still have them as adults.

Ms. Kelly

[Satan]

Originally posted by CremmedelaFemme
So - do I blow off yet ANOTHER function because of someone I don't want to run into...??? This is a large SM community, but not THAT large. I keep thinking that if I wait long enough, some of these people will just fade away (like I have), and that I'll be able to go back to Scene events without running into women who were abusive Tops, liars, manipulators, etc.
Well, If you seriously don't think you can handle running into her, then don't go. I'm back to the spend time with people who are not abusive Tops, liars, manioulators, so you don't recognize these people, therefore never fear of running into them. The waiting long enough sounds like a big waste of time to me.

But - the REAL issue is - I am a bottom. A real submissive. I can - and do - switch, but... you know how it is. Frankly, I am afraid of what I would allow this woman to do to me mentally if I did allow her back into my life - and I'm afraid that, if I see her again in person, I will. I mean, the simple fact that I'm spending so much time writing and posting this (when I'm supposed to be doing something else much more important) tells you how much of an impression she made on me, and you have no idea how long it took me to put her completely out of my mind.
BUT- the REAL issue is B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T! Sorry. but. It has nothing to do with you being a submissive bottom. Switch, whatever. The REAL issue is in your next statement. You know you better then anyone sweetie, if you're afraid that, if you see her in person, your gonna get all caught up in the magic of Ms Gorgeous, then I dunno . Stay home??? Tell me you don't think this is love at first site. Go on. Lie to me *S

And now, she's back, dominating my thoughts.

So - should I go to the function - a dinner - tomorrow night?? Or stay home, safe and sound (like I've been doing), and give up the chance to meet other, perhaps interesting, Scene women...??

Any advice will be gratefully received. But please, be gentle. I'm feeling beat up enough right now already.

End of story is. GRAB LIFE BY THE NUTZ HERE. Go. Know she is a weakness for you. Affirm where she stands. Meet new people. You'll have to force yourself. Literally kick your own ass to be there, smilin'. Meetin' and greetin'. Force yourself because you are so worth frolicking where you desire. And nobody NOBODY should EVER stand in your way. If you feel you just cant' get over it. You must force yourself. You did a great job expressing here, and you have alot of support. Your on the right track my friend. Belive in yourself. Grab a helpin hand just where you need it and go for it! !!

Hell yeah! GO AND PLAY!!!! If you see one beautiful women and can't deal with the drama, wait a minute...another is right around the corner. Take my word for it.. nothing, nobody is worth you not living your life on your terms at your pace.
Also realize, without a sub, a dom has nothing. You have the control...she does not have control of your thoughts...you do, so think. Ignore her. Find somebody and go play, have a great scene, relax and enjoy it without the drama.


P.S. have fun. Play like there's no tomorrow!

[chrisfla]

Originally posted by KissMePlease
((((((((( CHRIS )))))))))

The statement above shows growth, honey.

Remember growing pains as a child?

We still have them as adults.

Ms. Kelly

You are so right about the "growing pains"...

And yes, that's what I've been doing for almost a year - hoping to meet someone at the dog park, the grocery store, wherever... Ever since the LAST time I met a woman at an SM function who told me she was single (before I had sex with her) but really wasn't; her lover called me, I had no idea where she got my #, the other one told me she didn't give it to her, yada yada yada. The lover continued to call and harrass me, and finally told me she wanted me to be her next slave... She was pretty angry when I refused. Is there no end to the dyke drama...???

So I backed away from the Scene. Too many women had deliberately hurt me (in a bad way) physically, and too many women with nothing else to occupy their minds tried to drag me into their drama.

And I put myself right back in the middle of it last night, running into some of these same "drama queens," and what was worse, watching a woman I desperately desire hook up with other women for possible future SM encounters. What the hell was I thinking...??

So - as disturbing and as lonely as I find it, I believe I will continue to stay away from these Scene events. For the last year I've felt that it would be better if I met someone away from the formal Scene, someone who never played in public and isn't inculcated with the values (or lack therof) of many of the women I've met there. Someone who's perhaps interested in SM and wants to experiment.

I am well aware that by taking this sort of approach, I may be single for the rest of my life; a fact which, when I think about it, greatly disturbs me. But it hurts me even more to be in the middle of all this other stuff.

Thanks, all of you, for all the gentle strokes. It's been tough for me being single for these past four years... I've been alone before, of course, but two years was pretty much the average time. Now that I'm older, and "the rest of my life" gets closer every day, it's almost scary. I guess it's really good that I enjoy my own company.

Thanks again - and, if anyone can tell me now how to remove this thread now that it's all pretty much over with (pray!!), that would be great.

Chris... very tired after 4 hours of sleep, and planning to be very kind to myself today.

[KissMePlease]

Originally posted by chrisfla
... very tired after 4 hours of sleep, and planning to be very kind to myself today.

Good for you, Chris; take gentle care of yourself today. You learned a valuable lesson last night.

I do not know if this is your thing or not, but when I first relocated I knew only a couple of people. After a few months, one of my friends connected me to a group of professional women here. They had quick match dating, dances, get togethers, dates for the theater, movies, opera, dinners out. They had family outings, small, age-focused women's get togethers. There seemed to be many activities.

At first I simply scrolled the list of their activities and decided it was not for me. I was not interested in hooking up with anyone. Then I saw that once a month they 'hosted' a dinner at a homeless women's shelter. This shelter was for women who were currently sober/drug free and in the process of actively looking for work or in training for a position. I signed up immediately and soon became the coordinator. My teenage daughter even came along with me. Although I was not interested in dating, and this activity was not directed toward that end, the other activities that the group held were highly successful for those that attended.

I am sure that in your area you will find a similar group; perhaps something advertised at your local lesbian center? Or possibly some good friends might be able to direct you.

I wish you well and great success.

Take a breath, get some rest and tomorrow begin anew.

Ms. Kelly

[pet4pet]

Originally posted by chrisfla

So - as disturbing and as lonely as I find it, I believe I will continue to stay away from these Scene events. For the last year I've felt that it would be better if I met someone away from the formal Scene, someone who never played in public and isn't inculcated with the values (or lack therof) of many of the women I've met there. Someone who's perhaps interested in SM and wants to experiment.

I have just stumbled on this thread and was very sorry to read about your predicament.
But looking in your gallery and seeing the cute cat that you are, i'm sure that you will be over that soon... and stronger ...as many here stated already.

Besides, cats have lives...alley cats even more, so i've heard..so just let that alley cat in you, get out., woman!.

... as i'm sure you're doing already ...