Physical Disability & Self-Esteem: Life As It Is Now, Coming To Terms, Rising Above

[Shyfemmekat]

Originally Posted by ArchAngel Gabriel

hey all, made it through day 3 of straight working. I have this week, started wearing my lifting belt and wrapping on my left foot and sometimes using icyhot in the mornings. I am not sure if all of this has done the trick or what but I have not been quite so hurty this week. Tired, yes, hurting, naw not really.

Im my own opinion, pity has a place in our lives because some of us literally have no one to look out for us. My personal key is to allow pity in sometimes but only for a little while then it is time to get up and move on. Say maybe 5 or 10 min then time to get back to being positive. This works for me most of the time. I must admit to sometimes not knowing what to do when I am so tired and so hurting that I can not think straight.

I am thankful to have this space to come to when I need to vent and I will not let anyone's opinions stop me from doing so.

and now for a funny picture picture my half gimpy little round teddy bear self learning how to ballroom dance...

Way to go! Good idea to wear a lifting belt. Safety is important. At least you're over the hump, right?

I know for me there are days when I have to have a mental pep rally to get out of bed and go cook breakfast, etc.

Much of my life when I didn't feel good I was told to quit whining, etc. Even when I felt REALLY bad, as Woodie knows from other posts I've made on other threads. I got used to just stuffing how I felt, putting on a big fake smile and denying how I felt. I began to not trust my own feelings, something I still struggle with. I push myself very hard so that other people don't perceive me as "playing it", and also because I feel false guilt for being ill.

I think perhaps many of us with chronic illness struggle with how we are perceived by others, especially loved ones, etc. We get told, "You look fine. I don't see anything wrong with you." And maybe even as we are being told that we are having a muscle spasm (I just LOVE those), or we are so exhausted from not sleeping well that we can barely focus. No, I'm not bleeding to death, thanks, but I hurt, etc. As I have mentioned before there are a couple of wonderful books that deal with the "invisibility" factor of chronic illness beautifully. They were very validating for me, anyway.

I liked what you said about setting a time limit. I am trying to do that myself. I feel really down and I decide to take a short vacation to the Isle of Self-Pity, say maybe an hour. I find lately though it ends up being a shorter time than that.

I use music a lot. If I need to relax I will listen to something instrumental like William Ackerman's CD Conferring With the Moon. If I feel very sad I will put on something upbeat like Kirk Franklin & God's Property. If I am angry and need to process those feelings for bit I might listen to Korn's "Falling Away From Me" or Nine Inch Nails' "I Do Not Want This".

Sometimes I will light a candle and meditate. Sometimes I will smudge with some white sage and pray to the God of my understanding. Sometimes I will sing, especially gospel music or blues, and that is a prayer, too. (joyful noise, etc..)

Many times I will call, e-mail or send someone a note or a cute card. I find that doing something for someone else will often lift my spirits.

Regardless of semantics, use of pronouns or anything else, I think that Jinx made some excellent points. I know I do have a tendency to rage about the things I feel that I have lost. "I was robbed!" My dear one gets on me and she reminds me to look at what I have left. I get frustrated because I drop things and can't do other things that used to be simple for me. She says, "Find a work-around for it."

I think a lot of it is finding a balance. Realistically we will all have down times and good times. To me the trick is in celebrating all the good things we do have and trying to manage the down times. That is why I try so hard to stay centered in NOW.

We all are traveling a similar path. We will all have our differences. As I am fond of saying, it would be a dull garden indeed if all the flowers looked and smelled the same. I think the most important thing to me is that this space be kept safe for all. I don't want anyone to say, "I don't feel safe or supported when I post here." I think it is vital, at least I know it is for me, to have some kind of safe space to just feel bad sometimes, somewhere where I can be queer as, well, YOU know, and have support while I am going through this unexpected "adventure". I know no one is going to trip because I talk about my stone butch in the same sentence as my illness. That's priceless. I have never been shy about expressing my belief that there are enough people in the larger community trying to tear us down without having a bunch of dissension from within.

If anyone has any questions about what the basic rules of this thread are I would kindly refer you to the first post in the thread. If there's something anyone doesn't understand, please feel free to PM me and ask. Group hug!


ShyFemmeKat
Shyt Disturbers Local #1968

[micpfef]

I just thought I would post this. I have another one I am looking for to post but this one is a good one too. It is meant somewhat tongue in cheek. I hope you all find some humor within.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? 110%? Or more?

So what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a mathematical formula that answers these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then...

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But...

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And..

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you...

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.

[SILVERFEMME]

I am stunned at certain responses to my posts. I have gone back and read them again to check that my meanings were clear and found that I said my truth carefully and completely. My telling about me, and that being percieved as self-pity, is hurtful. No one knows the dragons I fight every day. Almost every single post here has given me hope and even encouraged me to keep fighting for my life, for the quality of life I want to have.
I expect that "my family" is here to support me whatever I am facing and wherever I am on my journey. All I ask is that I be your (plural) equal. That being said, again, bless you who accept and hold me as one of you. We are each others mirrors, showing us all how much we are all alike and reveling in our sameness. If we focus on our differences we are no better that thoes outside our community who ostrasize us for being different than them! I offer no defence for being myself and I hold no offense for you being you, BUT,
it isn't right for me to feel restricted or afraid to post on any thread at B/F. Thank you to those of you who responded that I have a right to be real here and shouldn't be penalized for it.

[Shyfemmekat]

I ran across this today and I am still laughing.

There is a great website called Multiple Sclerosis Sucks:
http://www.cafepress.com/mssucks

Well, now they have a store too, with T-shirts and other things that say stuff like, "Multiple Sclerosis Sucks" and "Waiting For the Other Foot to Drop". I may have to get a button for my bad days...LOL...

ShyFemmeKat

[Woodie69]

SilverFemme,

I am not good at reading comprehension, so I am confused at what or who you are saying is not accepting of your disability(ies). I agree with you in your thinking that the mind, body and soul is so interlinked and connected. That is how I feel in my female body. It is a nightmare, and has been for years. But yet, no dr is willing to offer me his hand in Maryland. I have to travel out of state to get hormones and surgery. Just a fact I have to live with. Just like paying cash for everything. Some will argue how their insurance is paying 100% for their srs, but in reality they have already transitioned legally, so since they are legally male, the top surgery is listed as male gynoplastia (sp??). So, I am nobody's fool, as alot would love to believe.

I have your back at all times. I will never put down anyone who is suffering. I know first hand what it is to suffer. It is nothing short of hell.

You are very much admired and adored here. Please don't stop because of ignorance. There are alot of ignorant ppl who live on this earth. I just pray to God that I can continue to avoid them at all costs. I have no time for high school online.

Andrew

[micpfef]

Originally Posted by SILVERFEMME

I am stunned at certain responses to my posts. I have gone back and read them again to check that my meanings were clear and found that I said my truth carefully and completely. My telling about me, and that being percieved as self-pity, is hurtful. No one knows the dragons I fight every day. Almost every single post here has given me hope and even encouraged me to keep fighting for my life, for the quality of life I want to have.
I expect that "my family" is here to support me whatever I am facing and wherever I am on my journey. All I ask is that I be your (plural) equal. That being said, again, bless you who accept and hold me as one of you. We are each others mirrors, showing us all how much we are all alike and reveling in our sameness. If we focus on our differences we are no better that thoes outside our community who ostrasize us for being different than them! I offer no defence for being myself and I hold no offense for you being you, BUT,
it isn't right for me to feel restricted or afraid to post on any thread at B/F. Thank you to those of you who responded that I have a right to be real here and shouldn't be penalized for it.

Silver,

I do not think that the talk of self-pity was in reference to your post at all. I think it was just a thought that Jinx had at that moment and may even have had to do with Shy's earlier post before yours.

Please Please do not feel ostracized. Your input and your posts are appreciated. I think we all fight the demon that others will call "self-pity" but we know it to be our own personal acknowledgement of our pain and it is our REALITY. It is not a "oh woe is me" thing it is a "I am soooooooooooo tired and so fed up" kind of statement. Looking at it from the outside it may look like pity but I know it isn't and others here on the thread know this too. It is a reality of what we feel and what we experience. It is not pity at all but truth.

I sometimes feel like all I talk about is what is wrong with my life, my body, my health, my stresses. But I have to step back and see that I do make fun in the process. I do have or strive to have balance within myself. I play, I flirt, I talk serious, I complain, I bitch and I moan. I seek comfort, I seek play, I seek sex, I seek feeling sexy, I seek making other laugh, I seek laughter from myself. I also realize that people who do not have to deal with chronic issues sit there and wonder why I talk so much about the bad stuff when I am fighting to not talk about the bad stuff out of fear of what they think or say.

Anyway, I am sorry you felt your words were attacked. I did not mean my words to do that or to be taken that way. Our reality is that and I believe all in this thread honor that.

Hugs to you,
Michele

[SILVERFEMME]

Color me grateful for your responses WOODIE69 & MICPFEF. I appreciate your words and the comfort they hold for me. It is a relief to find the acceptance and understanding you are showing me. You'r providing a much needed shelter and a safe harbor for me.
You are as real as the people in my real time world and I am pleased to be making some lovely new freinds. It feels great to think of myself as an "insider now." I hold us all in prayerful thanksgiving.

[Woodie69]

Silverfemme,

This is a safe harbor for anyone and everyone who is disabled. Nobody is ever made fun of, belittled, or flamed. It will not be tolerated. Our quality of life is different from most, as is our suffering.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

[Shyfemmekat]

Originally Posted by Woodie69

Silverfemme,

This is a safe harbor for anyone and everyone who is disabled. Nobody is ever made fun of, belittled, or flamed. It will not be tolerated. Our quality of life is different from most, as is our suffering.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

Exactly. That's why I was blunt in my first post. I have seen way too many threads on here get taken hostage, derailed with a bunch of unnecessary drama because people refuse to be respectful. I won't have it here.

I think it is up to us to create a haven from the rest of the world. I am a firm believer in trying to be conscious of the feelings of others and trying to listen for what is NOT being said as well. Maybe the person is hurting or frightened, although they have not verbalized that.

Take a minute before you post something to think about how you would feel to read it, were it coming to you from someone else. If you have to ask yourself if it sounds snarky, well...hmmmm. Maybe try to say it a different way. I know I do that on "hot button" issues. Sometimes I will wait a day and come back to it, to see if I really still feel that way or if I was just having a bitchy day. I have a temper sometimes, and I am trying to work on that. It's more of a challenge I think when you may already be in physical pain, feel depressed, scared, and lonely.

Everyone here is valued. Everyone here is important and has experience, strength and hope to share.

Let's be kindness radicals in an often uncaring world, and truly respect and support one another.

ShyFemmeKat

[micpfef]

Originally Posted by Shyfemmekat

Let's be kindness radicals in an often uncaring world, and truly respect and support one another.

ShyFemmeKat

Hey Shy,

I think I am going to put Kindness Radical in my Signature line..... I like how that sounds. I hope you are well.

Michele

[micpfef]

I don't know if I posted this yesterday or not. My days are all kind of blurring together lately. I have GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My foot doctor who treats my ankle issues did a cortisone shot in my ankle........... OMG I can't believe how much better it is. Isn't it odd how we aclimate to the pain and don't realize how extreme it is and when it is like so much better it is such a relief. The other amazing thing is how much it affects your mood without realizing it. I have been in a better frame of mind these last 2 days being in less pain than I had been for awhile.

Granted, when you start to talk about the pain with your doctor and you get teary you realize that the pain is an issue but most of the time I was just brushing it under the carpet. But the shot worked and I am very very happy about that. I guess I can have them 3 times a year as needed. He is going to do my other ankle when I am in there next time but over all that one isn't so bad.

Hugs all. Bright wishes for Wonderful Days sent your way.

Michele

[koop]

Congrats Michele!

I know exactly what that is like! It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm really not doing too good because compared to last year at this time I'm great but compared to how I've felt during my good moments that past year ... I'm far far away.

I so value those good moments though, they help me to know that I can feel great, and to keep digging until I find the right thing to kick everything back into gear!

It' been weird for my girlfriend to learn that I'm like two different people. I try to have a good attitutde when I don't feel good but I'm so out of it and nonfunctional that my personality emerges quite differently

[micpfef]

Originally Posted by koop

Congrats Michele!

I know exactly what that is like! It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm really not doing too good because compared to last year at this time I'm great but compared to how I've felt during my good moments that past year ... I'm far far away.

I so value those good moments though, they help me to know that I can feel great, and to keep digging until I find the right thing to kick everything back into gear!

It' been weird for my girlfriend to learn that I'm like two different people. I try to have a good attitutde when I don't feel good but I'm so out of it and nonfunctional that my personality emerges quite differently

Koopster,

I hope you know you aren't alone in the two different people thing. When I am in the midst of pain I am totally different and there are days when I know I totally throw my friends off because I am so depressed and fed up with things and then 2 seconds later I am able to find peace in the issue and be okay. Not always is it so close together but I have found ways to help myself during the down moments to lessen their effect and time. It sure as hell doesn't always work though.

I have found a lot of help in various 12 step slogans and tools. The HALT helps me a lot sometimes. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). If I do an inventory of what is affecting the illness(es) on top of the illness itself then I can usually find a way to minimize the period of low. It is easy to forget in the midst of dealing with my problems that I haven't eaten or that I am just wanting a friend to hold my hand (so to speak). The disabilities sometimes are like a black hole that suck you in and you cannot see anything but the darkness of them.

I had a thought that I wanted to say to you but I forgot it now. I got sidetracked in the other stuff. Oh well, Take care hon.

Michele

[Jinx]

Mic that is great that the shots work for you. Yes it is always amazing at how when you live with cronic pain how much it does effect you not just mentally but physically as well. I unfortunately can't have them anymore in my knee as they no longer work for me. Bugger! Yet I will survie tho and do with with my usual smart arse remarks and making fun of it all. I do have a question for those in wheelchairs how do you elevate the pressure on the tailbone? I broke mine when I was a kid and now arthur has set in the low back as well as the talibone. I tell ya it gives a whole new meaning to a pain in the ares. LOL Shy don't you wish that back spasms came with warnings or warning labels? Like at such and such a time you will be hit with a painful back spasm. May sure at that time you are not drinking, eating, or operating heavy machinarny. It also might be advisable to use the tolet before this spasm hits. LOL I soooooooooooooooooooo wish I knew when and where those dadgum things were gonna hit me. Oh and another thing I know of one certain femme who's favorite saying is "Put on your big girl panites and deal with it". Now that is my ex's favorite saying and she uses not only on herself but on others. She too has a brain injury and doesn't stay down in her (what I call pity party) depressed state for long. One day I was in one of my pitty party's for a little too long. She told me that saying, not only did I laugh, but I said "Dear butches don't wear panties maybe boxers or breifs but not panties." Needless to say she slapped me for that smart arse remark. Hmmmmm I can't understand why? LOL Yes I do say pity party. I think just like stress and not being able to relive that does cause harm to us physically, just as staying in a depressed state can also do just as much if not more. We who have disablity's and have to deal with chronic pain are the scrappest lot I know of. We deal with things most people don't have a clue about. Yet some of us have (Iknow for me) have done far better than I am at the moment. Yet if they can accomplish these great and wonderful things then why can't we? Think about it ya'll? I can't think of his name right at the moment but he wrote and has written books about black holes and such. He has more degrees than I will ever have. Now if that man can rise about all the daily crap that we all have to deal with day in and day out then why can't you or I do that same thing in our own little way? Don't keep putting yourseleves down so much and start building yourself up and be proud that even tho we all have our own disablitly that we can, will, and do rise about all these things. Mic again I am soooooooooooo happy that the shots work for you. I also want to get back over there and maybe do dinner or luch before you leave this neck of the woods. If it is up stairs somewhere then so be it I will bring my walker and some extra pain pills.

Originally Posted by micpfef

I don't know if I posted this yesterday or not. My days are all kind of blurring together lately. I have GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My foot doctor who treats my ankle issues did a cortisone shot in my ankle........... OMG I can't believe how much better it is. Isn't it odd how we aclimate to the pain and don't realize how extreme it is and when it is like so much better it is such a relief. The other amazing thing is how much it affects your mood without realizing it. I have been in a better frame of mind these last 2 days being in less pain than I had been for awhile.

Granted, when you start to talk about the pain with your doctor and you get teary you realize that the pain is an issue but most of the time I was just brushing it under the carpet. But the shot worked and I am very very happy about that. I guess I can have them 3 times a year as needed. He is going to do my other ankle when I am in there next time but over all that one isn't so bad.

Hugs all. Bright wishes for Wonderful Days sent your way.

Michele

[DAYWALKER]

Originally Posted by koop

I''m thinkin Daywalker needs to put that under hys avi!

There is a lot of humor already here ... Dang you can't get funnier then Daywalker's poop in the shoe comment. and hell where else can you talk about constipation and laugh about it!

[/quote]I guess koop is saying that DAYWALKER is the shyt?

ShyFemmeKat[/quote]

Lmaooooo....Ok you two...lol,
just so you know...
I did see this, lololol, and I love you too...!

I have not had a chance to fully read back to the "self pity"
post that raised a few eyebrows...and pissed a few people off...
I'm really not so sure I want to really, as it may make my smile go evil...lol!

Besides...I am so not into dramatics, drama...or battling it out in a "support" thread for gawd sakes...negative remarks need be checked at the door of the thread...how dare anyone come in here and make others feel like cocooning...!
Ok...lol, there...I am done ranting...

I will address it on the surface though...
A full circle of emotional release is imperative to physical and social behavior and health...if you hold in any step of the process, not allowing it to go full cycle all the way to the healing stage...someone will suffer, and it will either be yourself or someone close to you, hell even the guy behind the counter at the corner 7-11...ya know?
Those of us with the "Gift" of MS,
know what it is like to have negatively cycled emotions put us into an
all out episode, which is never very pretty...yes?

A 6 month long self~pity stage, well...needless to say is uncalled for in most cases, and needs to be broken wayyyyy before that!
10 to 30 minutes...lol, semi-monthly would be enough to filter it out of the system...but to NOT let it happen...would be like putting a cork on a volcano...what spews out upon the final pressure induced blow can destroy much more than we can imagine.
Myself...I have my pit~i~ful moments...lol, but they are riddled with unintended humorous remarks, and facial expressions...lol,
and a lot of barking sarcasm...!
Then I snap out of it, and laugh at myself...a lot!
You know what they say...
If you can't laugh at yourself...others will do it for you!

[LADY FLAMEZZZ]

DAYWALKER IS THE SHIT..................

as hys woman i can tell you hy rarely gives in to any negativity due to as hy said the internal symptoms being effected often immediatly........


beams with pride at hys wisdom and ability to express disdain at a post and then move on with a smile..........

love you Daddi well said...

[koop]

I guess koop is saying that DAYWALKER is the shyt?

ShyFemmeKat[/quote]

Lmaooooo....Ok you two...lol,
just so you know...
I did see this, lololol, and I love you too...!

I have not had a chance to fully read back to the "self pity"
post that raised a few eyebrows...and pissed a few people off...
I'm really not so sure I want to really, as it may make my smile go evil...lol!

Besides...I am so not into dramatics, drama...or battling it out in a "support" thread for gawd sakes...negative remarks need be checked at the door of the thread...how dare anyone come in here and make others feel like cocooning...!
Ok...lol, there...I am done ranting...

I will address it on the surface though...
A full circle of emotional release is imperative to physical and social behavior and health...if you hold in any step of the process, not allowing it to go full cycle all the way to the healing stage...someone will suffer, and it will either be yourself or someone close to you, hell even the guy behind the counter at the corner 7-11...ya know?
Those of us with the "Gift" of MS,
know what it is like to have negatively cycled emotions put us into an
all out episode, which is never very pretty...yes?

A 6 month long self~pity stage, well...needless to say is uncalled for in most cases, and needs to be broken wayyyyy before that!
10 to 30 minutes...lol, semi-monthly would be enough to filter it out of the system...but to NOT let it happen...would be like putting a cork on a volcano...what spews out upon the final pressure induced blow can destroy much more than we can imagine.
Myself...I have my pit~i~ful moments...lol, but they are riddled with unintended humorous remarks, and facial expressions...lol,
and a lot of barking sarcasm...!
Then I snap out of it, and laugh at myself...a lot!
You know what they say...
If you can't laugh at yourself...others will do it for you!

[/quote]

I hope people don't think I was pissed off because that is not how I get! I was just concerned that the post might make some people feel like they can't openly express themselves here.

I guess others won't get it that there is a difference between self-pity and a pity party and expressing ones fears and frustrations. They do not equal each other. The one is excess, staying stuck in it and the other is being able to be open and honest about what is going on and then move on.

The only reason I've put so much emphasis on it is like Michele stated some of us have been brought up that we just always had to have a smile on our faces and expressing any other emotion just isn't right. I want others who may have had that same experience to know that expressing your fear and frustration is NOT self-pity. It is NOT being on the pity-pot. That is when you stay there and get the "Whoa is me" stage and basically give up and wallow in hopelessness.

[koop]

Originally Posted by micpfef

Koopster,

I hope you know you aren't alone in the two different people thing. When I am in the midst of pain I am totally different and there are days when I know I totally throw my friends off because I am so depressed and fed up with things and then 2 seconds later I am able to find peace in the issue and be okay. Not always is it so close together but I have found ways to help myself during the down moments to lessen their effect and time. It sure as hell doesn't always work though.

I have found a lot of help in various 12 step slogans and tools. The HALT helps me a lot sometimes. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). If I do an inventory of what is affecting the illness(es) on top of the illness itself then I can usually find a way to minimize the period of low. It is easy to forget in the midst of dealing with my problems that I haven't eaten or that I am just wanting a friend to hold my hand (so to speak). The disabilities sometimes are like a black hole that suck you in and you cannot see anything but the darkness of them.

I had a thought that I wanted to say to you but I forgot it now. I got sidetracked in the other stuff. Oh well, Take care hon.

Michele

What I struggle with is sometimes I can't see it... I gradually get to that spot and don't know I'm there.

The other thing is usally the only real way out is feeling better. Most of what I'm struggle with right now isn't as much the chronic pain as it is the brain fog and chronic fatigue. I feel like my brain is as clear as Daywalker's shyt I get very little done but I do keep putting one foot it front of the other, and I do show up for my life daily it just doesn't feel like it since I'm not accomplishing the stuff I feel like I should be or want to. My life is the basics right now. Getting up, eating, showering, dressing, trying to sleep! Anything else is bonus! All I know is when stuff gets turned around again it will feel like getting sober all over again. That is how fogged over and debilitated all this makes me. It is so hard to try to explain it to others and to feel so powerless over all this. I wish I could raise I flag that shows which Koop is showing up at that precise moment, but it's not something I can easily see.

I also find I have different spaces where I do different things. I joke around some in here but this does tend to be my serious forum .. the place I come to be real about how my health is effecting me. I have other threads and other places that I goof around and have fun in.

[koop]

Originally Posted by Jinx

Mic that is great that the shots work for you. Yes it is always amazing at how when you live with cronic pain how much it does effect you not just mentally but physically as well. I unfortunately can't have them anymore in my knee as they no longer work for me. Bugger! Yet I will survie tho and do with with my usual smart arse remarks and making fun of it all. I do have a question for those in wheelchairs how do you elevate the pressure on the tailbone? I broke mine when I was a kid and now arthur has set in the low back as well as the talibone. I tell ya it gives a whole new meaning to a pain in the ares. LOL Shy don't you wish that back spasms came with warnings or warning labels? Like at such and such a time you will be hit with a painful back spasm. May sure at that time you are not drinking, eating, or operating heavy machinarny. It also might be advisable to use the tolet before this spasm hits. LOL I soooooooooooooooooooo wish I knew when and where those dadgum things were gonna hit me. Oh and another thing I know of one certain femme who's favorite saying is "Put on your big girl panites and deal with it". Now that is my ex's favorite saying and she uses not only on herself but on others. She too has a brain injury and doesn't stay down in her (what I call pity party) depressed state for long. One day I was in one of my pitty party's for a little too long. She told me that saying, not only did I laugh, but I said "Dear butches don't wear panties maybe boxers or breifs but not panties." Needless to say she slapped me for that smart arse remark. Hmmmmm I can't understand why? LOL Yes I do say pity party. I think just like stress and not being able to relive that does cause harm to us physically, just as staying in a depressed state can also do just as much if not more. We who have disablity's and have to deal with chronic pain are the scrappest lot I know of. We deal with things most people don't have a clue about. Yet some of us have (Iknow for me) have done far better than I am at the moment. Yet if they can accomplish these great and wonderful things then why can't we? Think about it ya'll? I can't think of his name right at the moment but he wrote and has written books about black holes and such. He has more degrees than I will ever have. Now if that man can rise about all the daily crap that we all have to deal with day in and day out then why can't you or I do that same thing in our own little way? Don't keep putting yourseleves down so much and start building yourself up and be proud that even tho we all have our own disablitly that we can, will, and do rise about all these things. Mic again I am soooooooooooo happy that the shots work for you. I also want to get back over there and maybe do dinner or luch before you leave this neck of the woods. If it is up stairs somewhere then so be it I will bring my walker and some extra pain pills.

They make cushions specifically for that or some people use an old pillow. I never could sit in the chair long enough ... usually just got me from one pt. to another and then i had to lie down ... Which had it's perks when at a Women's AA meeting with young pretty girls in skirts!

[Jinx]

Koop and everybody else sorry if I piss ya'll off. Yet we all have different walks that we all go thru. I happen to see a lot of good people in here with good hearts and all I just hate to see all the depression all the time. For me it is too easy to be sucked into that and so I won't be around it. I do want to say thanks for the info on the cushion and pillow. But I won't be back to this thread again. Cause I don't need to be really good be be like that. Yes I struggle with my issues with my disablity, my abuse past and present. I will rise above all this but to be part of this thread apparently is not the place I need to be where you can't laugh at your own struggles and you can't have a possitve attitude about things. So I wish you all the best and good health to everyone.

[koop]

Originally Posted by Jinx

Koop and everybody else sorry if I piss ya'll off. Yet we all have different walks that we all go thru. I happen to see a lot of good people in here with good hearts and all I just hate to see all the depression all the time. For me it is too easy to be sucked into that and so I won't be around it. I do want to say thanks for the info on the cushion and pillow. But I won't be back to this thread again. Cause I don't need to be really good be be like that. Yes I struggle with my issues with my disablity, my abuse past and present. I will rise above all this but to be part of this thread apparently is not the place I need to be where you can't laugh at your own struggles and you can't have a possitve attitude about things. So I wish you all the best and good health to everyone.

Jinx noone said you can't laugh and have a positive attitude about things ... this thread is suppose to be about it all .....

I just was saying I don't tend to tell as many jokes on here because that is how I usually deal with my stuff and I need a place where I can be real about it and not always be cracking joke abou it.

As far as I could tell no one was pissed at you and I was trying to clarify that for myself.

This is suppose to be a safe place for everyone for whatever they need.

I'm sorry if what I'm saying is being misinterpreted I guess I was just trying to make sure that people feel okay being here.

[Shyfemmekat]

Please note that my responses are in bold type. I didn't use red as some of our folks have vision difficulties.

Originally Posted by Jinx

Koop and everybody else sorry if I piss ya'll off.

I think it was more of a case of hurt feelings.

Yet we all have different walks that we all go thru.

True story, that, and each of us in our own way.

I happen to see a lot of good people in here with good hearts

I do, too, and not just on this thread but the entire site.

and all I just hate to see all the depression all the time.

This remark I don't get. Everyone here is dealing with some sort of a physical disability and the accompanying baggage that travels with it. I know at least for me that means some days I am depressed. My MS makes it worse, and the medication I take for my MS also makes it worse. So, it's a challenge. That's just the God's honest truth. I don't think anyone here would say differently, but if so, holla. There is also a lot of celebration here and merrymaking, too. I think many here have become adroit at pulling the humor from dark situations.

For me it is too easy to be sucked into that

Yes, it is easy for me to stay depressed, especially if I do not acknowledge how I really feel, and instead try and "stuff" my feelings, the way I was taught as an abused child. I am glad to have a safe place to let some of that off with people who are on the same road and know the terrain firsthand.

and so I won't be around it.I do want to say thanks for the info on the cushion and pillow. But I won't be back to this thread again.

And that is your free choice, of course. There is a lot of good info that gets shared here by people who know the deal, so to speak.

Cause I don't need to be really good be be like that.

Not sure what you meant here.

Yes I struggle with my issues with my disablity, my abuse past and present. I will rise above all this

As do I. My physical disability is just one thing I struggle with, as Woodie and some of the others know. I am also an adult who survived molestation as a child, rape, and domestic abuse. That I am still working through. I saw an amazing movie last night, Searching for Angela Shelton. See it at .http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com That brought some more of the past up to the surface, and I ended up crying in the arms of my beloved for awhile, but by the end of the night we were laughing again. My soul needs more resilience practice, I guess. I feel rocky today, but I know I can get through it.

but to be part of this thread apparently is not the place I need to be where you can't laugh at your own struggles and you can't have a possitve attitude about things. So I wish you all the best and good health to everyone.

I still am not sure why you feel that way. I have been re-reading posts to try to come to an understanding of your statements. I think people here are overwhelmingly positive, when the types of physical disabilities we deal with on a daily basis is quite often converging with past abuse issues and the discrimination many of us also receive as GLBTQ folks. As others have mentioned, it is good to release pressure in measured doses to avoid a meltdown at a later date. I know that is vital to my physical and emotional healing. Perhaps you are not in a place within yourself where this kind of behavior and/or discourse regarding it seems comfortable to you. I can respect that, as I'm sure everyone else here can. Respect is a basic here. I feel a lot of pain in your words. Please know that if you should ever wish to PM or contact me at my Yahoo 360 page, Paradoxically Me---An Unexpected Femme Life http://360.yahoo.com/shyfemmekat@sbcglobal.net, anything you say would be held in strictest confidence. People do care. Really. And to you as well, safe journey. We will be here should you decide to return.

Best,
ShyFemmeKat

[Woodie69]

Hi Everyone,

I have just returned from Delaware to visit my bio-parents. My father is not doing well at all. He is in heart failure. His heart is only working at 50%. This is because of his heart bypasses, valves replaced, and pacemaker surgeries last November and January. He is recovered from his surgeries, but is having circulation issues. He is diabetic, has high blood pressure, and high cholestrol. He is in remission from prostrate cancer.

He and I are talking about the past, our difficult relationship, and how hard he made my life. I told him that it was the past, and that we are now not going to worry about the past, but today and tomorrow. We have alot to do, so why spend the time and energy worrying about the past. I am so glad that we are both able to come to terms in our relationship of understanding. It is ashame that it took a horrible terminal illness to break down the wall of hate in my family. I am just so sad that I have such little time to spend with him. He is unable to really participate in any activities but watching sports on TV and reading. He struggles with each breath he takes. This July he will be 78 yo if he makes it to then.

Thank you all for your kind words of love, support, and trust. I need it now more than ever.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

[Shyfemmekat]

Originally Posted by Woodie69

Hi Everyone,

I have just returned from Delaware to visit my bio-parents. My father is not doing well at all. He is in heart failure. His heart is only working at 50%. This is because of his heart bypasses, valves replaced, and pacemaker surgeries last November and January. He is recovered from his surgeries, but is having circulation issues. He is diabetic, has high blood pressure, and high cholestrol. He is in remission from prostrate cancer.

He and I are talking about the past, our difficult relationship, and how hard he made my life. I told him that it was the past, and that we are now not going to worry about the past, but today and tomorrow. We have alot to do, so why spend the time and energy worrying about the past. I am so glad that we are both able to come to terms in our relationship of understanding. It is ashame that it took a horrible terminal illness to break down the wall of hate in my family. I am just so sad that I have such little time to spend with him. He is unable to really participate in any activities but watching sports on TV and reading. He struggles with each breath he takes. This July he will be 78 yo if he makes it to then.

Thank you all for your kind words of love, support, and trust. I need it now more than ever.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

Hi Andrew,

I am glad you are getting a chance to do that. I know for Dad and I we really became friends once he was sick. We let a lot of that old crap go, and were able to build some happy memories that I still treasure. I will lift you both in prayer, and do not hesitate to PM me if you need anything.

Hugs,
ShyFemmeKat

[ArchAngel Gabriel]

andrew you took an important step with your father. I hope he improves.

good morning everyone, Miracles happen...I slept just right last night

[Shyfemmekat]

Originally Posted by ArchAngel Gabriel

andrew you took an important step with your father. I hope he improves.

good morning everyone, Miracles happen...I slept just right last night

I bet the morning is looking sunnier already! Have a great day!

ShyFemmeKat

[micpfef]

Happy Monday all.

I am working 2 days this week (both 8 hour days) so I will probably be tired. I am doing pretty well though all in all.

I have to laugh. I looked down at my ankle yesterday and I had an ANKLE BONE!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG you all don't know how long it has been since I could see shape to my ankle and not just this big blog of swollen foot. It is amazing to me and the pain is mostly gone. Granted I had to go and fall today (joy of all joys). My foot caught in my pants leg and down I went. I have a nicely skinned knee I am sure (I don't really want to see so I am just ignoring it). *sigh*

At one point in time they did a full neurological work-up on me to see why I fall so much (except for clumsiness). Nothing is majorly wrong but there are a few minor things that make me more "prone" to falling. At least it has been awhile since I have fallen in public. One time I went sprawling in front of a ticket booth at a movie theater.

My brother is going to be here this weekend and we are getting things wrapped up with the house. Looks like we will be moving Mom to an apartment which will be much nicer for her. It will be a big change for her but it will be better. She is going to come out to California after she gets some medical stuff set up but will be more visiting and taking things easy than staying for 6 to 12 months. I have mixed feelings about that though.

One thing positive in my disability stuff is that I can use it to help my Mom. It gets frustrating though and I have to remind myself that I have had 10+ years to get used to mine and she has only had 10 months or so now.

It is nice to say I have a kind of sort of sexy ankle though.

Happy Monday all.
Michele

[ArchAngel Gabriel]

and here I thought I was the only one who gracefully fell in creative ways and places...(JK). Michelle I know the feeling about seeing your feet and ankles looking like they should. Isn't it a wonderful feeling!!!!!

Originally Posted by micpfef

Happy Monday all.

I am working 2 days this week (both 8 hour days) so I will probably be tired. I am doing pretty well though all in all.

I have to laugh. I looked down at my ankle yesterday and I had an ANKLE BONE!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG you all don't know how long it has been since I could see shape to my ankle and not just this big blog of swollen foot. It is amazing to me and the pain is mostly gone. Granted I had to go and fall today (joy of all joys). My foot caught in my pants leg and down I went. I have a nicely skinned knee I am sure (I don't really want to see so I am just ignoring it). *sigh*

At one point in time they did a full neurological work-up on me to see why I fall so much (except for clumsiness). Nothing is majorly wrong but there are a few minor things that make me more "prone" to falling. At least it has been awhile since I have fallen in public. One time I went sprawling in front of a ticket booth at a movie theater.

My brother is going to be here this weekend and we are getting things wrapped up with the house. Looks like we will be moving Mom to an apartment which will be much nicer for her. It will be a big change for her but it will be better. She is going to come out to California after she gets some medical stuff set up but will be more visiting and taking things easy than staying for 6 to 12 months. I have mixed feelings about that though.

One thing positive in my disability stuff is that I can use it to help my Mom. It gets frustrating though and I have to remind myself that I have had 10+ years to get used to mine and she has only had 10 months or so now.

It is nice to say I have a kind of sort of sexy ankle though.

Happy Monday all.
Michele

[DAYWALKER]

Good Morning to Everyone...!

So apparently the other day, I spoke for too many folks...lol, I used terminology such as "pissed"...when all I really meant I suppose was bewildered and hurt...but for me, there is an instant transformation from hurt to pissed...lol, as that is the natural course of things for me, so I apologize if I ranted...
Ok, enough of that...
Woodie...
Bravo my friend for initiating the breaking down of the wall of hate in your family...you are right, it is a dayum'd shame that people wait until there is a dire need for family assemblence to get past...well, the past...yes? M'Lady and I are pulling for your Dad...meanwhile, do enjoy every moment of TV and sports with him...Ok?
Michele...
Congratulation on the ankle sighting...! Must have been a teary moment for ya...lol! Good luck with all the moving details, and We hope everything goes with as little incident as possible...and with as little tedium as you can stand...
Shy and Gabriel...good to see you both up and about...and looking pretty happy today...!
Been kinda out of sorts the past couple of days...and it was not until this morning that I figured out...it could be depression of some kind trying to peek its ugly head out...so i told M'Lady....lol, and we refuse to let it in...if that is at all possible...there is a song about it...lol, I am sure...!
BTW...Michele...

did you find the Sunscreen song, and did you listen to it yet?

Ok..."to the BatCave"...lol, I will see you all later...

[Woodie69]

Thank you all for your kind words of support, and love. I am so blessed to have you all. I am handling his illness and soon death with courage and compassion as best I can. I have so many years to live without him in my life, that when I look into his eyes - I feel like a stranger. I want to break down that wall of hate, and it has taken some time, and many hours of long talks. I am grateful to God to have the time to do this. I just have very mixed emotions right now. Thinking about going to Vegas (bash) is keeping me looking forward to the future and to something to plan for. So that is a big plus for me.

At night I am starting to have more intense seizures and sensory disturbances, which is very common with those who have head injuries. I have sleep disorders (sleep apnea and sleep walking), but now I am experiencing insomnia. I am taking medicine for all of these, and have been in contact with my dr about this entire ordeal. I want to be sure that I am taking the right steps in preventing something else to start up with me. Phew - enough is enough.

Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

God bless you all,
Andrew

[lionandlamb]

Hey everyone!
Its nice to see everyone around, including those now identified with true ankles. I can so understand that, as my ankle regularly disappears. My doc says this is just part of the knee above it healing, but as silly as it may be, I always thought I had nice ankles. It is why they both have tattoos.....Anyway......

It has been an interesting week or so in this neck of the woods. A good friend's mother passed away a week ago. While we knew it was coming, it still seemed so sudden, and how hard it is to see someone you love in so much pain. While very selfish of me to want her pain to go away, it was more because I didn't know what to do to relieve it. It reminded me of my father's passing and that was almost 7 years ago. Then, not but a couple of days later, another friend who is expecting went into labor at 32 weeks. I was the closest to the hospital (next to her husband), and was with her while they tried to stop labor. This hits some major PTSD issues for me, as I had a difficult pregnancy and labor with my son. I haven't been to the hospital with a pregnant friend since my son was born, and to be with her in her (and my) fear was so powerful. It put my rhythm off through the weekend. I haven't talked alot about his birth, or what was so horrible, because I've had so many people discount it with "He's happy and healthy now." But I can't help but feel like I was cheated in someone else's neglect brought about this. Someone else's irresponsible behavior has left me with permanent damage. When I talked with a therapist about this, I was told to do an exercise called "Get Grateful". I can understood looking for the "silver lining" or bright side of things, but there is a time and place to just grieve. And I didn't have that time, as one can't stop when they become a parent. And if it wasn't a medical need for my son, then it was the pain that wouldn't leave me.

I appreciate the chance to have my "emotional yack"! I just need a safe space to share what has been, a grueling last week. I have been following the posts, and wish well for all. You are definitely a part of my B.F. family.

[BlueMoonWolf]

Originally Posted by Woodie69

Thank you all for your kind words of support, and love. I am so blessed to have you all. I am handling his illness and soon death with courage and compassion as best I can. I have so many years to live without him in my life, that when I look into his eyes - I feel like a stranger. I want to break down that wall of hate, and it has taken some time, and many hours of long talks. I am grateful to God to have the time to do this. I just have very mixed emotions right now. Thinking about going to Vegas (bash) is keeping me looking forward to the future and to something to plan for. So that is a big plus for me.

At night I am starting to have more intense seizures and sensory disturbances, which is very common with those who have head injuries. I have sleep disorders (sleep apnea and sleep walking), but now I am experiencing insomnia. I am taking medicine for all of these, and have been in contact with my dr about this entire ordeal. I want to be sure that I am taking the right steps in preventing something else to start up with me. Phew - enough is enough.

Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

God bless you all,
Andrew

Andrew,

just as i read what you wrote I thought oooh maybe stress is contirbuting to the increase of activity? Not that i know enough about what you deal with health wise everyday but i thought maybe i would just throw that out there.

This is going to sound odd... please don't take it the wrong way... From what you said your relationship with your Dad is not the best but you now have time to get things straight and go on from the point of you two agreeing that the past is the past. I envy you in having that time. My Dad died suddenly and we just didn't have that time, but in a way we did because we did something similar about agreeing about the past. I told my Dad I didn't like who he was when he was drinking and i didn't want to talk to him then.. in the 11 years we made that agreement, he never once broke it aside to call me and wish me a happy birthday and hang up, only to call the next day when he was sober.... anyways the point is about being able to have that same page to start off at and making the most of every minute you can.. it doesn't matter if it's only watching tv and saying nothing... it's still enough you know? Sometimes people don't have to say a thing to make it count.

you are in our thoughts.

BMW

[koop]

Whistles at those sexy ankles

Well I saw the naturopath today and I'm excited! Some of the stuff was weird but hell after a year of this stuff and finding myself getting closer and closer to being back where I was last year ... i'm open to stuff even if I don't quite understand it .. mainly consistent of this muscle testing that use metaphysical energy to help determine what is causing my problmes and what stuff to use to help it. She uses it with all her information that she had gathered from talking to me and uses it to comfirm stuff and what to use.

But since today is day one and I don't see this being an overnight process. The goal is to get me off all the crap I'm on ... to replace some of the stuff that could be beneificial but may not be because of the form or quality I am using .. and hopefully down the line to detox my liver but she says right now my body couldn't handle it.

Soooooo ... more diet changes! If any of you ever what to use diet to help you with your stuff I amy more then happy to help you if I can. Now i'm giving up red meat, and night shade veggies for atleast two weeks on top of everything I've already given up. I guess the nice thing is each level of adjustment is just that and not this huge change ..... I guees the advantage to taking the long road to this point ... but I guess in ways it's been easier to adjust a few things at a time ... just may have a freezer full of food wating for some day!!!!

If anyone is ever in the neighborhood ... I got some cooked up salmon, aspargus, and turkey noodle stuff that I can eat! I suppose I could buy some new gladware and put the stuff in old containers and put it in my car the next time I go out and give it to whatever homeless person I pass by. I sort of like that idea!

Never thought of that ... hmm will have to try to remember to do it when I get back from my travels. Going to viist some friends, to my parents, and out to visit someone special at the end of the trip. Leave Wednesday and get back the 6th. I'm sure i'll check in but my computer access will be more limited.

I actually am pretty nervous about this trip. Usually I wouldn't travel feeling this cruddy .. good gawd I hope my sinuses clear some ... we are switichin me to a homeopathic nose spray so I'm hurting a little today. So I'd appreciate it if folks keep me in their thoughts. I'm leaving on this one already feeling exhausted beyond my limits. The nice thing is that it's more of a just visit people thing so hopefully i can just lie back and take it easy!

[Whispertome]

Hi everyone, have not been here in a while..

I am going to be selfish and whine..when through my discogram yesterday..the doc put dye into 6 discs..won't know the results until the 30th

I am in unbelivable pain and if it wasn't for percocets (strong ones 2 at a time) I would not even be here..

Thank you for letting me whine and be selfish...

Hope everyone is doing ok

[Shyfemmekat]

Originally Posted by Whispertome

Hi everyone, have not been here in a while..

I am going to be selfish and whine..when through my discogram yesterday..the doc put dye into 6 discs..won't know the results until the 30th

I am in unbelivable pain and if it wasn't for percocets (strong ones 2 at a time) I would not even be here..

Thank you for letting me whine and be selfish...

Hope everyone is doing ok

Bless your heart! At least that test is over now, huh? That's what I always tell myself when it's a painful one. Thank goodness for pain medication when we really need it.

When I have to go through one of the icky tests...
Sometimes I reach for healing Reiki energy from someone I know.
Sometimes I call to God for endurance not to cave in.
Sometimes I lift people I know in prayer, thanking God for each of them.
And many times as I am hurting I am calling y'all to mind as I hurt and you inspire me to hang in there.

Sending you a warm blanket of light and good cheer today....

ShyFemmeKat

[Woodie69]

BMW,

Thank you for your kind words. Both my dr and I think that this is indeed stress related. You have to realize that I have not had any contact with my bio-family for years and years. So much has changed, as we have as individuals. When I left home my parents were young, and active. Now, they are old, and invalids. It is truely the opposite of what image of them I have had in my mind for all this time. I never saw my mother with grey hair, and she is totally grey. My father who was once active, is now unable to catch his breath. It is taking me back quite a bit. Both of my parents were healthy and somewhat heavy, but now they are thinner and have aged so much. It has taken me by surprise you could say. Yep, sometimes not saying anything is best at this point. What's the point? Nothing would be accomplished by starting up. Sometimes it is best to just walk away as I once did when I was thrown out of my home at 16 yo. So now, coming back home at 42 yo is really mind blowing. I just hope and pray that I am making the right decision by trying to maintain a relationship with them now. It just is not that easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Koop,

Your idea is wonderful of cooking a homecooked meal and giving it to a homeless person. God Bless You! You wouldn't believe how many folks were actually afraid of eating homecooked food from strangers. They were starving, but were just so freightened by the thought of food. Maybe you would be more successful in your mission by providing the food to a food shelter or food bank (that gives away the food for free with no hidden charges).


Whispertome,

I wish you could just touch my finger and I could help alleviate some of the pain you feel (like in the movie ET). I really feel for you. Please keep us posted on your results. I will light my special candle for you today, and am sending you positive energy your way.

LionandLamb,

Glad you are well. I have PTSD too. It is something that I manage by talking with Rosie about. Stress brings mine on. When I had it really bad, I would have flash-backs. Those were the worst. Night terrors were handled by sleeping pills. In time, I got my PTSD in control, and was able to stop having to depend on drugs for releaf. Now, I can truely attribute my PTSD on my family and parents (mainly my father). So, this reconnection with them now is starting up my PTSD somewhat. Being grateful for those in our lives and for our blessings is something that I do everyday. It reminds my mind, body and soul of what I do "have". For me, it isn't so much material things in life that matter, but what is in my heart and soul.

Shy,

Just want to remind you how special you are to me. You have no idea of how much of a blessing you are in my life. God bless you.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

[sthrnbelle]

Hello group I just wanted to come in and give everyone a big hug and kudos to all of you. My mother lived with chronic illness and pain until she passed away in 03' so I just wanted to lend my support to all. Sending positive energy your way~
~Becky

[Whispertome]

Originally Posted by Shyfemmekat

Bless your heart! At least that test is over now, huh? That's what I always tell myself when it's a painful one. Thank goodness for pain medication when we really need it.

When I have to go through one of the icky tests...
Sometimes I reach for healing Reiki energy from someone I know.
Sometimes I call to God for endurance not to cave in.
Sometimes I lift people I know in prayer, thanking God for each of them.
And many times as I am hurting I am calling y'all to mind as I hurt and you inspire me to hang in there.

Sending you a warm blanket of light and good cheer today....

ShyFemmeKat

ShyFemmeKat, thank you for you compassion and wisdom. It is painful..they say the severe pain will go away in a few days...just hurry up!! LOL

You are correct though, focusing on others and sending them healing/white light makes the pain more bearable

[Whispertome]

Originally Posted by Woodie69

Whispertome,

I wish you could just touch my finger and I could help alleviate some of the pain you feel (like in the movie ET). I really feel for you. Please keep us posted on your results. I will light my special candle for you today, and am sending you positive energy your way.

LionandLamb,

.

Peace and love to all,
Andrew

Awww Andrew how sweet and I like ET, thank you so much for the caring and the ..I will know the results on the 30th...seems like forever to me

[Whispertome]

Hi Koop,

I wanted to say thank you so much for the information and you were right..it hurt, and this morning..well let's say I could not do anything until I got a couple of pain pills in me.

Hope all is well with you ..

back to bed for me