Domestic Violence Resources
Domestic violence, intimate partner violence, relationship abuse, same-sex partner abuse – whatever you call it, it is present in all communities, including queer communities.
Relationship abuse is a pattern of control exerted by one partner over another using coercive, threatening, and/or violent strategies. Control is often kept in place by isolating the victim, promoting fear, and narrowing options. Abuse is different than BDSM in that only one person determines what will happen, no consent is asked for or given, and the person being abused cannot stop what the abuser is doing.
There are many forms of abuse and control that can happen in relationships. It can include stalking, threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Often things start out at a much lower level, making an abuser hard to recognize. Early warning signs include possessiveness, jealousy, frequent mood swings, and anti-social behavior. Abuse usually escalates in frequency and severity over time. The best way to combat relationship violence is to become educated about it. The phone numbers and links on this page are a good place to start learning more about relationship abuse.
Whether it is you, or someone you know, there is help and support available. Every state has a Domestic Violence Coalition (http://www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm) that can provide local information about hotlines, shelters, counseling, and law enforcement. There is a National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) that can connect people to local help and resources.
If you are being abused, it is not your fault and you are not alone. There is help and there are options. The most important thing is your safety. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-787-3224 TTY) or contact your state domestic violence coalition. You will find these organizations to be lgbt friendly and able to offer lgbt specific resources where available.
If someone you know is being abused let them know that it is not their fault and that there is help available. Direct them to local resources so that they can receive the help they need as quickly as possible. Understand that the person may not be able to leave the relationship right away and may even return to the relationship if they do leave. Leaving is very difficult when a partner is abusive and can actually increase the danger at first. 75% of the women killed by their abusers have already left the relationship (Bureau of Justice statistic). One of the best interventions for someone who is being abused is a real-time support group where they can talk things over in confidence with other victims, get help from advocates, and begin to plan for their own safety.
If you know someone through an online community such as ours, it is very natural to want to help them if they tell you that they are being abused. The best help you can offer is to validate that abuse of any kind is not okay, express your concern, and then make sure they have information and resources like the ones listed here to turn to. Sending money, plane tickets, or inviting them into your home may backfire if the person is not ready to leave the relationship. It is important to be mindful of your own safety. Most abusers focus their violence on their partners, but some can be violent with others as well. Unfortunately, there have been instances where someone in cyber space is not telling the truth about being abused and is instead exploiting online connections for their own benefit. It is important to protect yourself. That is why these resources are here. So that we can protect ourselves while offering help to those in our online community who need it.
Domestic Violence Resources
Please note: web surfing and phone calls can be monitored or traced. If you are in danger, it might be best to web surf at a local library, college campus, or computer café. Make calls from a cell phone, a friend’s phone or a public phone.
The resources listed here are primarily for the United States, however they all provide links to local resources (by State/City/County, etc), and some provide international information and links to international sites.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800- 799-SAFE (7233); 1-800-787-3224 TTY
Call 24/7 for immediate assistance and local information
www.ndvh.org
Includes links for local help, as well as information for teens, kids, abusers, immigrants, disabled, and lgbt.
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
www.ncadv.org
Includes links to State Domestic Violence Coalitions
Family Violence Prevention Fund
www.endabuse.org
Includes a resources link with facts, help, and personal stories
National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence
www.ncdsv.org
Includes resources for those in the military
Hot Peach Pages
www.hotpeachpages.net
International resources and information in many languages
National Leather Association – International Domestic Violence Project
www.nlaidvproject.us
Created by the Leather Community to raise awareness about relationship violence
National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs
www.ncavp.org
This lgbt specific site has links to local lgbt anti-violence organizations
Communities United Against Violence (CUAV)
Specifically for lgbt relationship violence: http://www.cuav.org/
Love is Not Abuse
For young people, (22 and under) who are concerned about dating violence the following site is useful, though not lgbt focused: www.loveisnotabuse.com
Working to Halt Online Abuse
To address online safety specifically: www.haltabuse.org/resources/online.shtml
Books
“When Love Goes Wrong”
Ann Jones & Susan Schechter
“Naming The Violence; Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering”
Kerry Lobel, Ed.
“The Verbally Abusive Relationship”
Patricia Evans
“Emotional Blackmail”
Susan Forward
Remember – no one deserves to be abused! The abuse is solely the abuser’s fault. It is the abuser’s responsibility to stop abusing! Making tough choices about getting safe and staying safe is the survivor’s job. That is best accomplished with real-time support! Speaking out against abuse, not blaming victims, and using common sense and caution in online relationships is everyone’s responsibility!
