Don't know what to do

[SinCity]

Hey all. I'm a big boi and I've been with girlfriend for 3 and a half years. I love my gf and I know she loves me but as of the last two years she's been complaining about my weight. See, she's fit and eats healthy and I don't, though I'm slowly working on that. On the one hand I understand where she is coming from, our sex life would be better, I'd have more energy and all the other things that come with getting to healthier size. She doesn't want me stick skinny she just wants me to be more weight to height proportionate. I want all these things too but it's a struggle (especially since I co-own my own cafe) to lose the weight. But that's besides the point. Why I'm here is because of the things she's said to me. She's told me that she wants an open relationship to be with "someone sexy," that it's not fair to her that I'm overweight, that she hates certain positions because of my belly, just down right mean and nasty things. Every time we go to a gay bar it ends up in a fight because she gets depressed that I'm not as smaller as the other butches. I've told her how much it hurts me when she gets so mean with me but two months later it's the same story.

I've had self esteem issues most of my life and it's really starting to get me down and I don't know what to do any more. Do I just walk away or try talking to her yet again?

[RebelButch]

She loves you, eh? So, being "mean" is showing love? Being mean in that respect is forcing her personal agenda on you, for her. If this was all about health, why is she looking to have her cake and eat it too? Sorry, it's BS. Actually, being "mean" is abuse, plain and simple.

[SpunkyFemme]

I don't mean to be rude or overly blunt... and these are just my opinions... but your girlfriend sounds kind of like an asshole. First of all... encouraging you to get healthy is fine. Expressing concern for your weight and overall health. again, totally fine. But, you being sexy has nothing to do with size. I know lots of people who are quite large and way sexier than lots of skinny folks. Also, being in an open relationship so she can date other people should not be because you are not good enough.. and that's how this sounds. If she wants an open or poly relationship... it's because she is wired that way... and that's what she wants... not because you are lacking in some way.

I know you say you love this person.... but, please get some therapy or look into resources like CODA. Cuz, it sounds like she is doing nothing except adding to your self esteem issues. You deserve to feel good about yourself and who you are, no matter what your size.

Good luck to you.

[ducky.mcclure]

mean is mean.. it will never equal love.. in my opinion to stay in such a relationship is a foolhardy idea. Unless you want to be hurt over and over, cause it will never change. Even if you were miraculously become "thinner", I am sure she would find something else "wrong" with you. I don't want you to think I am an asshole, I am speaking from experience. I am a big girl. Like most I had issues with it sometimes. But the final straw for me was when an girlfriend broke up with me cause she was "ashamed" to be seen with me. I let her make me feel like shit. I was single for 5 years working on myself and my self esteem. But I didn't lose weight or change my looks. I changed my attitude. The only issues I had about my looks was what society told me was wrong. Well society doesn't control me. I only hurt when I let others opinions hurt me. I do have some health issues because of my weight, so I have changed my diet and such to help me. My bloodsugar levels are down and so is my cholesterol. My Doctor is happy and so am I. That is all that matters.

BTW I am now in a relationship that is nearing the 3rd year. I am engaged. He loves my tummy. He loves me the way I am. He also helped me with changing my diet since he does most of the cooking, not because he wants me thinner, but because he wants me healthy.

[tymejumper]

What kind of femme treats her butch that way? Next up will be cheating and blaming you for it. If she is this shallow and can't look past the outside and see who she fell in love with now, then what will keep her with you when you get older, and wrinkled? What if you got breast cancer and had to have them removed? Would she want an open relationship then because you don't have breasts anymore and she is embarassed to be seen with someone with no breasts? I have seen some really hot bigger butches, sexy has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with size. It is about attitude. To be honest, she sounds like an idiot(sorry to offend if I did)and you deserve someone better.

[JalapenoOnAStick]

What kind of femme treats her butch that way? Next up will be cheating and blaming you for it. If she is this shallow and can't look past the outside and see who she fell in love with now, then what will keep her with you when you get older, and wrinkled? What if you got breast cancer and had to have them removed? Would she want an open relationship then because you don't have breasts anymore and she is embarassed to be seen with someone with no breasts? I have seen some really hot bigger butches, sexy has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with size. It is about attitude. To be honest, she sounds like an idiot(sorry to offend if I did)and you deserve someone better.

WHEW! Tell it GIRL! A GOOD FEMME will LOVE YOU every nook and cranny hehehe

[tymejumper]

WHEW! Tell it GIRL! A GOOD FEMME will LOVE YOU every nook and cranny hehehe


It's true you know. I get so irritated with that attitude.

My butch put on a little cushion(thanks to my cooking) and I would not trade her for anything! More delicious skin to explore and lick(and rub on)....LOL. Femmes that treat their butches this way, don't deserve to have a butch at all. Believe me, there are many femmes out here that are just waiting for a butch to spoil, and one that will spoil them right back, she will not have any problem finding someone who will love her for her, for all that she is.

[Atruefriend]

Hey all. I'm a big boi and I've been with girlfriend for 3 and a half years. I love my gf and I know she loves me but as of the last two years she's been complaining about my weight. See, she's fit and eats healthy and I don't, though I'm slowly working on that. On the one hand I understand where she is coming from, our sex life would be better, I'd have more energy and all the other things that come with getting to healthier size. She doesn't want me stick skinny she just wants me to be more weight to height proportionate. I want all these things too but it's a struggle (especially since I co-own my own cafe) to lose the weight. But that's besides the point. Why I'm here is because of the things she's said to me. She's told me that she wants an open relationship to be with "someone sexy," that it's not fair to her that I'm overweight, that she hates certain positions because of my belly, just down right mean and nasty things. Every time we go to a gay bar it ends up in a fight because she gets depressed that I'm not as smaller as the other butches. I've told her how much it hurts me when she gets so mean with me but two months later it's the same story.

I've had self esteem issues most of my life and it's really starting to get me down and I don't know what to do any more. Do I just walk away or try talking to her yet again?

some one who really loves you will not try to change you sure may be want you healthy i agree with those comments though offense not meant her ego is bigger than her reality

okay what a bitch what happened to the love was she only with you be cause she thought she could not do any better now that she lost weight does she think she is too good for you? did she lose her self when she lost that weight she said she wanted to date some one sexy good luck finding that person it is not about your size it is about you it always come back around you know? tell her revenge is sweet go out and lose weight and dont take her back!

[MyLullaby]

True love means mean loving every part of who your with flaws and all at any point in the relationship. My x did the same things to me knowing I was already self consious, which made it a million times worse. All I wanted was for hym to look at me and think I was beautiful, but all I heard were negative comments. Don't let her bring you down. Yes being physically attracted to someone is important but if you have been together for 3 years it should be more than physical, she should love you for you.

[Txgrrls]

I'd say it is time to move on - no one deserves to treated that way! I am a big boi too. Probably bigger than you. There are plenty of femmes out there who love thier big bois with swagger. I have no doubt that you can find someone who will love you for who you are. Hang in there - I came out of the worst relationship of my life into the best one... If I had been trying to hold on to the one who didn't love me, I might have missed the best thing that ever happened to me!

My recommendation would be to free yourself up, get your swag on and head to that club solo... the experience will be a confidence booster for sure. Then just be open and ready when the right one comes along!

[SinCity]

Thanks everyone for the input. It made me really think about a lot of things. I confront my gf about it and told her that if she wants to really be with me and only me then she has to accept me for who I am and what I look like. She apologized and told me that she won't do it again. I told her that the next time it happens I'm out. I know you're probably thinking I'm wrong but this is her last chance. I know I'm worth something and there are other fish in the sea.

[Breathless]

Sin,
I agree with most of the comments that everyone has made. You are beautiful the way you are, and if she can not see this, then she doesnt deserve to be called your girl. Simple as that. I am a curvy femme, and I too have had my own issues with my size, feeling that I am unattractive in some ways because of this, so I understand the thought process that larger people feel. What I didn't recognize was that we ALL feel this way about ourselves from time to time. Either we don't think that we are attractive enough, or deserving of someone because of one thing or another. How many times have you thought, I am so lucky to have her in my life, wow, she chose me?? why would she want me, when she could have anyone she wanted?? Strive for a healthier life, most definately, but also and more importantly, find a happiness for you within your own skin.
My issues with the statements that you made in the beginning of this thread are more indepth than what is the surface problem. Mean is mean, as Ducky said, also as Rebel said, this is love eh? The fact that she wanted to have an open relationship, says to me that she is shopping for a new mate, but isn't secure enough with herself to let you go, just incase no one wants her for her poor attitude (perhaps) also is it fair to assume that you were not thin when you started dating?? So the you that she fell in love with is now not good enough? People change, with time, it is a fact, we age, we gain and lose weight, illness, accidents, and gravity (unfortunately), if you do not fall in love with the deeper being, the love is shallow, and it will not last the test of time.
I say move on, find someone who will love you unconditionally, and completely. The more time you spend settling for Ms. Wrong, is time you have wasted. Ms. Right is out there for you, waiting for you.
Breathless

[da Bonster]

People change, with time, it is a fact, we age, we gain and lose weight, illness, accidents, and gravity (unfortunately), if you do not fall in love with the deeper being, the love is shallow, and it will not last the test of time.

I say move on, find someone who will love you unconditionally, and completely. The more time you spend settling for Ms. Wrong, is time you have wasted. Ms. Right is out there for you, waiting for you.
Breathless

This is an absolute.

I love my wife, she is large in heart, wisdom, and has a wonderful lush body for both of to enjoy. I am no tiny thing either. Love isn't blind, but it should come with the freedom to be, deeply, profoundly, whoever it is you are turning and evolving into. My most heartfelt wish is that you find your ONE, who loves you, holds your heart sacred, as much as you in turn love them.

[TrannyBoi_86]

My girl and I are both larger and working on getting healthier, not skinnier. I agree with everyone when they say that you don't need that kind of negativity in your relationship, especially if she has known all along that you already suffer from poor self-esteem; that is not love. If you're going to give her one more chance, be firm in your decision and don't let her get away with it again. You need to end this relationship if she is going to be emotionally-abusive. Keep true to yourself and know that you are better than that.