the extended family bigots

[Not_A_Pretty_Grrl]

I thought that I was long past having coming out issues. I've been out and proud for more than a decade.
However, the one area that I seem to have over-looked, (or perhaps conveniently ignored) is my extended southern family.
I stopped having a relationship with them around the time that I came out. We've never gotten along. I can't have any respect for bigots or any kind, and my lovely mother's family are pretty much all the bad isms.
It wasn't so much that I was scared that they'd tie me to a fence, it was really more that they are so insignificant to me that I didn't feel the need to tell them.

Fast forward ten years, and all of a sudden my grandmother is on death's door, and I am facing a reunion with them within the next few months. I have to at least go to support my mother. However i've explained to her that for me to go and be closeted is out of the question. And yet, my grandmother's funeral is just about the last place that it seems appropriate for me to be deflecting the attention onto me by coming out.

I can't be the only person on this board who has faced this kind of dilemma. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

cause I really have no idea.

[Selenay]

I thought that I was long past having coming out issues. I've been out and proud for more than a decade.
However, the one area that I seem to have over-looked, (or perhaps conveniently ignored) is my extended southern family.
I stopped having a relationship with them around the time that I came out. We've never gotten along. I can't have any respect for bigots or any kind, and my lovely mother's family are pretty much all the bad isms.
It wasn't so much that I was scared that they'd tie me to a fence, it was really more that they are so insignificant to me that I didn't feel the need to tell them.

Fast forward ten years, and all of a sudden my grandmother is on death's door, and I am facing a reunion with them within the next few months. I have to at least go to support my mother. However i've explained to her that for me to go and be closeted is out of the question. And yet, my grandmother's funeral is just about the last place that it seems appropriate for me to be deflecting the attention onto me by coming out.

I can't be the only person on this board who has faced this kind of dilemma. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

cause I really have no idea.

What is more important to you, respecting and honoring your grandmother's memory or waving your rainbow flag?

[June2Pence]

I've been out for 12 years. I never came out to my now 95 year old Granddad because it felt really unecessary. I know who I am and I'm never going to change how he feels about Gays or People of Color or those Damn Kids who wear their pants too big and their shirts too tight.

It's just a boat I'm unwilling to rock.

[Not_A_Pretty_Grrl]

What is more important to you, respecting and honoring your grandmother's memory or waving your rainbow flag?

I spent my grandfather's funeral a few years back lying about who i am and swallowing all of their bigotry. It was a horrible experience. I've spent too much of my life fighting to be allowed to be who i am, to go down there and be all "ashamed" and deceitful about who I've grown up to be. Not to mention that if anybody needed a tangible gay person to perhaps break down some of the stigma they're carrying around it would be these people.

[Selenay]

I spent my grandfather's funeral a few years back lying about who i am and swallowing all of their bigotry. It was a horrible experience. I've spent too much of my life fighting to be allowed to be who i am, to go down there and be all "ashamed" and deceitful about who I've grown up to be. Not to mention that if anybody needed a tangible gay person to perhaps break down some of the stigma they're carrying around it would be these people.

There is a time and a place for everything.

Try this, imagine you're at a wedding. My wedding, imagine we're best friends. I'm getting married to Idina Menzel. What a beautiful day.
Would the reception of my wedding be an appropriate time for you to tell me, "Hey, I, um, well... I'm sleeping with your married sister."
No. Not really.
If you don't want to deal with their 'bigotry' then go for the funeral and leave directly afterwards. To me, causing what would clearly be a huge commotion at your grandmother's funeral would be one of the biggest disrespects you could pay.

[ursy_ten]

I guess it's a balance.

I used to be more "in your face" out and proud in the beginning, but where my fundamentalist Christian extended family are concerned, it's something I don't attack them with for the sake of my mother.

They don't ask, I don't tell. If they ask, I'll be very happy to tell (I would also have insisted that if my partner could not attend, I wouldn't be either - so really they wouldn't have to ask). If they want to make some kind of disparaging remark about any kind of minority, I will say "hey, some of my favourite people are (insert whatever here)".

Depending on your family, of course. I'm very lucky that my family are full of pretty quiet types anyway.

There are ways you can put the message across without being too confrontational or drama-making. I aim for communicating in such a way that if the other party disagrees violently and wants to make a scene, *they* end up looking like the asshole, not me. But this gets tricky if you are surrounded by "them".

Yeah, I know the dilemma in having to bite one's tongue for the sake of a parent... I hope it all goes well for you.

[StrongHealer]

if my relatives would ask...I would not lie...being in the closet is not an option.Educating people is a continuous process.




best of luck ((((((((((((((you))))))))))

[shigi]

I thought that I was long past having coming out issues. I've been out and proud for more than a decade.
However, the one area that I seem to have over-looked, (or perhaps conveniently ignored) is my extended southern family.
I stopped having a relationship with them around the time that I came out. We've never gotten along. I can't have any respect for bigots or any kind, and my lovely mother's family are pretty much all the bad isms.
It wasn't so much that I was scared that they'd tie me to a fence, it was really more that they are so insignificant to me that I didn't feel the need to tell them.

Fast forward ten years, and all of a sudden my grandmother is on death's door, and I am facing a reunion with them within the next few months. I have to at least go to support my mother. However i've explained to her that for me to go and be closeted is out of the question. And yet, my grandmother's funeral is just about the last place that it seems appropriate for me to be deflecting the attention onto me by coming out.

I can't be the only person on this board who has faced this kind of dilemma. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

cause I really have no idea.i feel its about respect for others if coming out at that point is not warranted why the conflict...do you think in that scenario your sexuality will be questioned?

[Ali Mac]

Coming out is a process. An ongoing one too, I'll add. Not the one time deal we think it is when we think about approaching it.

I don't think it's as simple as being in the closet vs. waving your rainbow flag. You're a human being and all aspects of you are who you are, not just the femme/gay/queer part. I cannot judge what is appropriate but if I were in the same situation I would just go to the funeral and leave after that especially if you don't have close ties with your extended family. If it makes you feel any better, there are members of my extended 'family' who I don't really have ties with at all or call them 'family.' Though I have other extended family members who I feel differently about. It depends on the person and the kind of relationship that is there.

Death is about the life celebration of someone who has just passed and the energy is focused on that person not on a coming out process. That said I don't think it has to do anything with whether you like queers or not. It's just not the focus of that kind of event.

If it's a general family function the don't ask, don't tell thing is usually safe in my experience. With some people I am more comfortable bringing that stuff up with than others. If they ask, I'm open to talking. Otherwise, I don't bring specific issues up around being queer. If I am dating someone and people are talking about their spouses/significant others I'll bring up that I am dating who I am dating, but that's introducing that person as the person who I am in a relationship with or in love with, not mentally focusing on their gender. There are boundaries I live by.

If you want to be out in family settings, I would say that coming out might be easier in more intimate settings after such an ordeal.

[iamkeri1]

NAPG

In the ten years that you have been evolving in your recognition of yourself, your family may have been evolving as well. Perhaps you will not have to deal with any kind of bigotry at all because they have outgrown that as well. Hope springs eternal.....

Can you talk it over with your mother to see how she feels, and how she would like you to handle it? If you are going to support her, then you should honor her wishes. The woman who is dying is HER mother. She feels the same love for her mother that you feel for yours, (and that she feels for you.) She loves her with all her bumps and bruises and all her tolerances and intolerances. Your side notes describe you as single. If you are still single then, at least, you will not have to be defensive about treatment of your partner.

So if you can go and support your mother and honor her wishes, then that is what i would recommend that you do. Otherwise, I think "don't ask, don't tell" is good policy for this event.

Do your best - tough choice.
Smooches
Keri
PS This is something I would never advise you to do in "your" space, no matter how your mother felt, but since you will be in "their" space I see it differently.

[daisyfm]

Not sure if this is going to help you in any way but I sure do hope so.
Ok, here it goes:
I come out every year to my family and they still don't get it. I am not close with them so it does not matter that much but it hurts every time.
I come out every year to one of my most beloved friends from like age 1, and she does not get it. Especially if you are a femme you might be coming out all the time. I deal with this issue a lot.

[quixotescurse]

NAPG -

I went through something similar @ my own mother's dying days & her funeral. While close friends and family, obviously, knew I'd come out - my one aunt, and the whole family born from her, are verrrrrrrrrrrry conservative Catholics. The whole 24 hours straight it took to drive home from Nebraska to PA, I had a knot in my stomach because, while some may have known me as "gay", the only people who really "got" the butch thing was my mother & siblings. Hell, even my father wanted me to "be more appropriate for the circumstances".

However, I didn't make it a political statement, and anyone that questioned me was asked, "Aren't there more important things to worry about?". I was there to mourn my mother, help my siblings & close aunts, and my being gay had nothing to do with the process...however, I felt that to be "not gay" for that period of time would've traumatized me AND done a disservice to the woman I was there to mourn & comfort. So - in my book, just be YOU. No need for a parade to announce your presence, but no need to haul a closet with you room to room, either.

Now is the chance for your extended family to show they care more about your grandmother than their bigotry... and if they can't separate the two, it's THEIR issue, not yours.

[StephanieAlexis]

I thought that I was long past having coming out issues. I've been out and proud for more than a decade.
However, the one area that I seem to have over-looked, (or perhaps conveniently ignored) is my extended southern family.
I stopped having a relationship with them around the time that I came out. We've never gotten along. I can't have any respect for bigots or any kind, and my lovely mother's family are pretty much all the bad isms.
It wasn't so much that I was scared that they'd tie me to a fence, it was really more that they are so insignificant to me that I didn't feel the need to tell them.

Fast forward ten years, and all of a sudden my grandmother is on death's door, and I am facing a reunion with them within the next few months. I have to at least go to support my mother. However i've explained to her that for me to go and be closeted is out of the question. And yet, my grandmother's funeral is just about the last place that it seems appropriate for me to be deflecting the attention onto me by coming out.

I can't be the only person on this board who has faced this kind of dilemma. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

cause I really have no idea.

I'm definitely subscribing here (and adding where relevant.) This very scenario has been shadowing my thoughts ever since coming out. I too have family down south who have been less than charitable regarding my transition, to the point where I've been banned from contacing my brother of his family unless I "go back" to the way I was. (Interesting that people would rather see me miserable to the point of suicide just to make themselves comfortable.)

Unfortunately, he is also the executor of my mother's estate. She's in her late seventies and while she shows no sign of slowing down, goddess bless her, there will come a time when she passes. And then..?

[Eva femme]

Most of my Hungarian family doesn't know I am a lesbian. I feel no need to tell them. I don't come there that often. Only a few closer familymembers there know. Hardly any of them 'get' homosexuality. But the ones who know I am gay don't bother me with it. And I don't bother them with it. My grandmother's funeral last year was the last place this would come up. Some neighbours asked if I have a boyfriend or husband. I said 'no'. And that was it. I am not hiding anything. If they ask me, I am happy to tell them. But at my grandmother's funeral we had other issues that were more important than the lifestyle and sexuality of the attendants. If these people loved your grandmother and if they are sad of her dieing, than they won't bother you. If they do, they are assholes.

Eva

[hunger]

I thought that I was long past having coming out issues. I've been out and proud for more than a decade.
However, the one area that I seem to have over-looked, (or perhaps conveniently ignored) is my extended southern family.
I stopped having a relationship with them around the time that I came out. We've never gotten along. I can't have any respect for bigots or any kind, and my lovely mother's family are pretty much all the bad isms.
It wasn't so much that I was scared that they'd tie me to a fence, it was really more that they are so insignificant to me that I didn't feel the need to tell them.

Fast forward ten years, and all of a sudden my grandmother is on death's door, and I am facing a reunion with them within the next few months. I have to at least go to support my mother. However i've explained to her that for me to go and be closeted is out of the question. And yet, my grandmother's funeral is just about the last place that it seems appropriate for me to be deflecting the attention onto me by coming out.

I can't be the only person on this board who has faced this kind of dilemma. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

cause I really have no idea.

I am fortunate to have a champion that wields power in my larger family; that person being my mom. It doesn't stop the scorn filled looks and snipes whenever my mother isn't around, but I have learned much from her. She has taught me to respond with this statement: "Feeling a little insecure about yourself that you got to come swinging your judgments at me? Try walking in my shoes." When it comes to grandparents, they held their stereotypes but my mother asked them if they loved me. The answer was yes (thank goodness). So in some way that one question allowed them to accept me for who I am and still have their fears of homosexuals.

[StoneSoft]

I too am from the South, Georgia to be exact.

About 15 years ago I was unfortunate enough to go visit an uncle who was very ill, he had cancer, with a other relatives (aunts & cousins). I'm not sure why / how but the talk turned to homosexuals & how disgusting they are. I held my tongue & stayed until my one of my aunts made one comment too many about lesbians. Now I happened to know her daughter was (she has since died) a lesbian. At this point I left and went to visit my folks (who lived about 1/2 mile away) and told them of the conversation (while not out to everyone I am out to my folks) & why I would not be visiting relatives anymore - and I haven't.

[ireT72]

I've been out for 12 years. I never came out to my now 95 year old Granddad because it felt really unecessary. I know who I am and I'm never going to change how he feels about Gays or People of Color or those Damn Kids who wear their pants too big and their shirts too tight.

It's just a boat I'm unwilling to rock.

I do not mean to offend anyone when I say this, but after thumbing thru the "All about me" thread, this thread just kind of struck a nerve. Is it right for you to shove yourself in the closet for your family? No ... but we live in a world full of varied emotions and realities. A funeral is about saying good-bye to someone dear and paying respects. It isn't about you. For me, my grandfather was an old school Southern boy. I was his G.R.I.T.S ... (girl raised in the south.) My grandmother, in the mid stages of Alzheimer's was not acknowledging my grandfather's death, let alone what any of the grandchildren were doing. So, I am at peace with allowing the the day to be a reflection on his life, and the amazing man he was; allowing the focus to be on our own personal way of dealing with that loss, without the shadow of, "Oh my Lord ... She's is a ... OMG." And I will do the same when my grandmother passes.
Now family reunion time ... That is going to be an entirely different story!!!

[Chance333]

Go as yourself - a loving granddaughter and supportive daughter.

Leave your activism at the door, but insist others leave their bigotry at the door, too.

If something comes up, if someone makes a comment, look 'em in the eye and say: "We're not here to do that. How inappropriate!" End of conversation.

If you go in with your dukes up, if you let someone else score the "music" for you, you're not focusing on what you're there to do. Take charge of yourself, set some firm boundaries, then keep to them.

Sorry about your abuela. My condolences. (f)

[War]

Most of my Hungarian family doesn't know I am a lesbian. I feel no need to tell them. I don't come there that often. Only a few closer familymembers there know. Hardly any of them 'get' homosexuality. But the ones who know I am gay don't bother me with it. And I don't bother them with it. My grandmother's funeral last year was the last place this would come up. Some neighbours asked if I have a boyfriend or husband. I said 'no'. And that was it. I am not hiding anything. If they ask me, I am happy to tell them. But at my grandmother's funeral we had other issues that were more important than the lifestyle and sexuality of the attendants. If these people loved your grandmother and if they are sad of her dieing, than they won't bother you. If they do, they are assholes.

Eva

Honestly, I think this is the best answer in this thread. I also don't see it would necessarily be "hiding" who you are. You are there to mourn a person's (who I assume you cared about to some degree) death, and everyone attending will be there to do the same. Who you're sleeping with should have nothing to do with the occasion.

The way I see it, why should your perspective or their perspective be absolutely correct? What are you achieving by sparking a potentially hostile situation at a highly emotional occasion? In whose interest is this? Are you there to mourn a death or convert people to your way of thinking? To show them that you don't think or live the same way they? I think many people in our modern age forget that even though there are many with so called "alternative" lifestyles who desire acceptance or understanding, it is also important to understand that every individual has their own worldview, their own perspective, their own beliefs and none of them are absolutely morally correct. Again, is it worth making a fuss over? Do you achieve anything? Are you trying to "enlighten" them? What is it? Can't a person be comfortable enough with themselves that they don't need the whole world affirming or accepting who they are? Thinking that they should act a certain way in light of your beliefs or lifestyle is similar to them thinking that you should act a certain way according to their beliefs or lifestyle. Patronising people and acting like you have the veritable moral high ground, no matter how much you dislike them or disagree with them, solves nothing.

If they become inquisitive and aware of your lifestyle and they do attack you verbally or otherwise and actively persue the subject, then by all means defend yourself. However, there is a difference to be noted between an attack and a difference of perspective. At the same time, it's necessary to understand that a funeral setting is an emotional firecracker. Grieving people sometimes say or act in ways they wouldn't otherwise. Take that into consideration as well.

Just go in, mourn your grandmother's death, then leave. No need for drama and an ideological boxing match.

[msdemeanor]

Unfortunately, he is also the executor of my mother's estate. She's in her late seventies and while she shows no sign of slowing down, goddess bless her, there will come a time when she passes. And then..?
And then you make sure that you have an attorney. Executors have legal obligations, and he has to do the job according to the law, no matter his personal views.