All About Femme

[sparrowspirit9]

so im new here....

and im wondering....

how is femme different from being a str8 girl?

is it more girly? is it a lifestyling? a certain *fingernail* color?

see.... im a baby lezzie... 5 ft even, petite, and I've never been girly... due to bad "fathering" and my mom never had time for me.... and im not "man" enough to butchy.... so i figure if i take some femme 101 courses... and reintroduce myself to girlyness... i can be a better fem and overall a better person. :)

does that make sense?

any suggestions and advice?

thanks.... im in need of some femme sistahood bonding!!!

~tori

[cosmo_grrl]

Wow way to ask the hard to answer questions right off the bat, lol. I think that if you look around the site a bit you will begin to see that nothing has a definte answer. It is all about personal perception and ones own sense of identity. But you might also start to recognize what other members are saying and how that resonates for you in your own sense of self. I know it can be really hard when you are first beginning to define your sense of self and find your place in the community and there can be alot of conflicting information about what is "queer" and what is "femme" and the two are often conflicting. But I have found this site to be an amazing resource, as it is so diverse and the people here are so open and articulate it is easy to find people you can identify with. And to be frank it is a great tool to learn about areas you may not have been very aware of before.

But if I could offer one bit of advice, don't worry about how to be any particular type of queer woman. Try to be yourself, it is often the hardest thing to be with all the external influences in life, but it is the surest way to find happiness with yourself and with another person. It took me a few years to learn that one but I am finally getting there myself and it was well worth the journey.

And enjoy the site, I know I do, these are great people.

And if you ever need to talk to someone or anything you can feel free to PM me.

Cosmo

[bonnemaman]

how is femme different from being a str8 girl?

is it more girly? is it a lifestyling? a certain *fingernail* color?

~tori

Tori, thanks so much for sharing your baby-dyke self with us. (l)(y) When I was a baby-dyke, many years ago, I looked like either an androgynous lesbian, or maybe a soft butch, but that was because I was working very hard to distance myself from straight girls. I found the word "femme" just a couple years after I came out, and knew it was who I was right away. I express my femme identity somewhat differently than some of the other femmes on the site though. For me, being a femme, and a dyke, and a lesbian, are intertwined, inseparable, though, again, it's different for other femme's on this site. I think if you are drawn to the word or idea of "femme" then reading things on this site is a great idea. But, as everyone will tell you, being "a femme," or being "femme" is a different experience for all of us. Don't worry about being a better femme! Just be yourself! If you do feel comfortable with slipping on the identity "femme," express it from inside your little rockin femme self!
(f)plm

[sparrowspirit9]

yay (k)

thank you both for your lovely responses.... im going to read through this whole site... it may take a while... if i have questions i'll be sure to ask

i love making new friends a long the way :)

thanks!

<3 tori

[toofrufru]

(SNIP)
how is femme different from being a str8 girl?
I personally have found the women I am attracted to tend to be more in tune with me. WOW hard to explain how someone can look at you in a turtle neck and jeans and know at a glance your wearing a thong and have a draw full corsets and garters at home.
is it more girly? It is for me!? a certain *fingernail* color? LOL fingernails with color and knowing how to work them painlessly (wink)

i can be a better fem and overall a better person.

Dont rush yourself...dont be in such a hurry to reach your destination that your miss the fun of the journey.

thanks.... im in need of some femme sistahood bonding!!!~tori[/quote]
Welcome, your in the right place lots of sista love here(k)

[Chazie]

I don't think I could've said it better myself cosmo_grrl, bonnemaman, and toofrufru!

For me personally, I have always been a girly girl and never been able to tell (by apperance only) that I am not straight. Femme is my identity. Its who I am. I live, breath and think femme. I don't and can't live any other way.

Femme is an essence. The definition is different and varies from woman to woman but in the end we are all femme.

As toofrufru stated "Dont rush yourself...dont be in such a hurry to reach your destination that your miss the fun of the journey."


~Chazie~

[seattlegirlfriend]

Tori,

You're getting great advice here, particularly about just being yourself.

This is a fabulous site, with tons of information and incredible, supportive people from all walks of life. As you read, you will begin to discover what resonates with you, and that will, at least in part, help you define your own identity.

I just wanted to provide you with another resource, which to me proved invaluable in truly owning my femme identity:

"The Femme Mystique," by Leslea Newman

I had never felt such a sense of being understood, and of belonging, as I did when I read that book.

Another classic is "The Persistent Desire: A Butch-Femme Reader" by Joan Nestle.

Finally, there is an entire thread here on B-F entitled "Butch/Femme reading material."

Lots of possibilities, and lots to explore!

Take care, and best of luck,

SG (f)

[sparrowspirit9]

cool. thank you grrls...

yeah... i think its best to just be myself :)

i see that now. but i will continue to look all over B-F

and sistahood is awesome!

ttfn!
~tori

[toofrufru]

See everyone is warming up nicely...........love these girls

[aprettydress]

yay (k)

thank you both for your lovely responses.... im going to read through this whole site... it may take a while... if i have questions i'll be sure to ask

i love making new friends a long the way :)

thanks!

<3 tori

Tori--

Welcome to B-F!

-dress

[celtglen]

May I tiptoe in here just for a moment....


I don't mean to intrude but I just had to put my 2 cents in....

<< holding my Fedora in wobbling hands at the sight of SO much Femme in here...clearing throat nervously...>> :s

As a Butch, madly in Love with my Baby, I'll just say this and be on my way;

Be yourself Baby Femme, and that includes changing your mind whenever the mood strikes you. Try on whomever you want just as you might try on a low cut cocktail dress that you Femmes look SO enticing in..;)

Ahem,

My Gal is stunning in a dress with her hair up in the trinkets I have bought for her, she is irresistible wearing my dinner jacket to cut the chill of the late-night air off the Sound, after we have gone out somewhere special.

SG is as thrilling in jeans, hair array under my cap, and wearing my sweater which sits on her more like a full length gown, given our size difference.

As a Butch, and I have been one many many years, what makes a Femme a Femme in my mind is how she treats her Guy, Dude, Hym or her Her.

I think every Butch on this list would agree that a Femme's allure is in her eyes, her breath, and her touch. Her love for the combination in us, her allowing us to be that at any given moment.

And Baby Femme, if you are into other Femmes that is way cool too, I can only speak from THIS Butch's POV.

Sorry Grls to have gone on so long, SG has been taking care of me beyond what I could ever imagine this week, so I am long winded in my appreciation of Femme and thus wax poetic.(f)

Hope I haven't over stepped any boundaries here. I don't mean to.

I'll be going now...slipping out the back as to not upset .....:$

Hi Honey!

:o

[cosmo_grrl]

May I tiptoe in here just for a moment....


I don't mean to intrude but I just had to put my 2 cents in....

<< holding my Fedora in wobbling hands at the sight of SO much Femme in here...clearing throat nervously...>> :s

As a Butch, madly in Love with my Baby, I'll just say this and be on my way;

Be yourself Baby Femme, and that includes changing your mind whenever the mood strikes you. Try on whomever you want just as you might try on a low cut cocktail dress that you Femmes look SO enticing in..;)

Ahem,

My Gal is stunning in a dress with her hair up in the trinkets I have bought for her, she is irresistible wearing my dinner jacket to cut the chill of the late-night air off the Sound, after we have gone out somewhere special.

SG is as thrilling in jeans, hair array under my cap, and wearing my sweater which sits on her more like a full length gown, given our size difference.

As a Butch, and I have been one many many years, what makes a Femme a Femme in my mind is how she treats her Guy, Dude, Hym or her Her.

I think every Butch on this list would agree that a Femme's allure is in her eyes, her breath, and her touch. Her love for the combination in us, her allowing us to be that at any given moment.

And Baby Femme, if you are into other Femmes that is way cool too, I can only speak from THIS Butch's POV.

Sorry Grls to have gone on so long, SG has been taking care of me beyond what I could ever imagine this week, so I am long winded in my appreciation of Femme and thus wax poetic.(f)

Hope I haven't over stepped any boundaries here. I don't mean to.

I'll be going now...slipping out the back as to not upset .....:$

Hi Honey!

:o



Well said, and your input is definitely welcome. You're right, femme is an emotional state, a mental thing. It is not about how you dress or do your hair, it is about how you carry yourself and how you present yourself to the world. It's an attitude or a state of mind. It's power and sensuality (in heels or sneakers - doesn't matter).
And it is ever changing and evolving, just like we are as individuals.

[FemmeEm]

*A Fedora* (l) *melt*..


Hi and welcome, Tori! I applaud you wanting to get out there and find answers to the tough questions. Everyone here gives good advice to follow your heart and always be true to who you are, no matter if that fits neatly in a particular label or not. Labels get knocked, but they can be empowering.

I myself am just starting to *really* know and enjoy the label/role of the illustrious "Femme". I've been one from day one, but got confused and didn't think I could be taken seriously as a lesbian if I was really femmey, even though deep down, I wanted to be.

I get mistaken for a straight girl all the time. I used to hate it.. used to get all indignant at the men. Now I revel in my femme power to turn any and all heads. A little attention dosen't mean I'm going to bed with someone, so now I feel free to be my sexy Femme self wherever and whenever. It took me some years and growth to be able to harness that sexual power and revel in it.

You will too. The bottom line is to treat yourself well and surround yourself with people who do the same. Don't settle for less. You're worth it! :D

[sparrowspirit9]

awwww

thanks everyone.

i realy appreciated your post celtglen.... :)

and i will continue to lurk around here... its what i do best...
-t