i'm new - and if truth be told...

[Failed_Knight]

Hi. I'm Jack. My wife of 20 months used to pop in here sometimes - so i wanted to take a peek myself.

No. That isn't 100% right.
I dropped her off at work about a week ago - and when i went to pick her up that night her boss came outside instead. Was holding 2 envelopes in her hand, and before she spoke one word my gut knew. i didn't need to even listen. She was gone. By the time I got that bit of news there was no racing to the airports or last minute anythings. She was 2 hours over the atlantic already, and on her way back home. Home. I thought I was her home. She was certainly mine.

So here i be. Finally made a little profile - and signed up and in. But all I've been able to do is search for her words on the page - to hear her again.. when we were new... and she loved me. Have found 5 little posts - And then the MySpace that was our space - well that link popped up.
Was all about our trip to Canada and getting married legally there and how happy we both were. pictures of us included.

I just noticed the dates on that journal she was keeping - we were keeping, more her than me. I saw she stopped writting after a few months. And that stopped me from going on.
I hadn't wanted 'my issues' to become her issues at all, you know. And as far as i knew i hadn't. But now i think i did, despite my every effort. She went from a fighting and fearless, queer-femme to "passing" as "regular" where ever we went. I thought the eyes were all on me you see. But they were on her as well - as a Mrs. everyone. Or no one maybe. Another adjustment to go with the new husband, the new town in a new country etc etc. left everything she had to be with me. I knew it was a sacrafice on her part. knew it was hard. Why it rolled into such a thing as this - Why she didn't sit with me, let me hold her and tell me it was harder than just hard... that she tried but couldn't get beyond it .... I never cared where we were - just cared that 'we' were.

I'd follow her still - I always would have. - I'd have even let her go with a kiss if she said her love had died. - I'll go there tomorrow!! - but wait. Didn't she plan this 'big escape' since September? Or was it October - was it since our first Anniversary. I have no idea. I never even saw this coming. It wasn't like we had a big fight and she left on the spur. So i would only be hurting her more - Like when you see a stray kitten and immediately you want to pick her up and hold her - take care of her and love her.... but she's scared of you and of all the 'yous' - but still you try and the faster you try to reach to her - the faster and further she runs... When inside everyone knows the only real chance you had was to just be still - and let her come to you if she wishes to.

So that is why I remain here. For now. She obviously felt the need to leave or she wouldn't have left. certainly not the WAY she went about it, were it just a passing thought.
But then I'm reminded of childhood - and of Bees. Yes, Bees.
We are told to remain still - make NO move and they will go away. they won't feel threatened so they won't sting you - just flys away, sensing no danger - In Fact the little bee senses nothing at all!. Not danger - but not your love or kindness either. nothing of you or from you at all.

There must be a middle ground someplace - for we are not cats - and we are surey not insects. So then what now. There's no arguing your way out of dumped - but not even trying - well i would always regret not trying.
So that's that then. I shall give her some time - then I go to her - hold out my hand and see.

Time Heals Wounds More Easily Than it Does Regrets. hey that's not half bad! (i)
That'll be my new quote. All comments and ideas, and prayers, all gratefully accepted.

Failed_Knight
- Jack.

[TCB123]

Hi. I'm Jack. My wife of 20 months used to pop in here sometimes - so i wanted to take a peek myself.

No. That isn't 100% right.
I dropped her off at work about a week ago - and when i went to pick her up that night her boss came outside instead. Was holding 2 envelopes in her hand, and before she spoke one word my gut knew. i didn't need to even listen. She was gone. By the time I got that bit of news there was no racing to the airports or last minute anythings. She was 2 hours over the atlantic already, and on her way back home. Home. I thought I was her home. She was certainly mine.

So here i be. Finally made a little profile - and signed up and in. But all I've been able to do is search for her words on the page - to hear her again.. when we were new... and she loved me. Have found 5 little posts - And then the MySpace that was our space - well that link popped up.
Was all about our trip to Canada and getting married legally there and how happy we both were. pictures of us included.

I just noticed the dates on that journal she was keeping - we were keeping, more her than me. I saw she stopped writting after a few months. And that stopped me from going on.
I hadn't wanted 'my issues' to become her issues at all, you know. And as far as i knew i hadn't. But now i think i did, despite my every effort. She went from a fighting and fearless, queer-femme to "passing" as "regular" where ever we went. I thought the eyes were all on me you see. But they were on her as well - as a Mrs. everyone. Or no one maybe. Another adjustment to go with the new husband, the new town in a new country etc etc. left everything she had to be with me. I knew it was a sacrafice on her part. knew it was hard. Why it rolled into such a thing as this - Why she didn't sit with me, let me hold her and tell me it was harder than just hard... that she tried but couldn't get beyond it .... I never cared where we were - just cared that 'we' were.

I'd follow her still - I always would have. - I'd have even let her go with a kiss if she said her love had died. - I'll go there tomorrow!! - but wait. Didn't she plan this 'big escape' since September? Or was it October - was it since our first Anniversary. I have no idea. I never even saw this coming. It wasn't like we had a big fight and she left on the spur. So i would only be hurting her more - Like when you see a stray kitten and immediately you want to pick her up and hold her - take care of her and love her.... but she's scared of you and of all the 'yous' - but still you try and the faster you try to reach to her - the faster and further she runs... When inside everyone knows the only real chance you had was to just be still - and let her come to you if she wishes to.

So that is why I remain here. For now. She obviously felt the need to leave or she wouldn't have left. certainly not the WAY she went about it, were it just a passing thought.
But then I'm reminded of childhood - and of Bees. Yes, Bees.
We are told to remain still - make NO move and they will go away. they won't feel threatened so they won't sting you - just flys away, sensing no danger - In Fact the little bee senses nothing at all!. Not danger - but not your love or kindness either. nothing of you or from you at all.

There must be a middle ground someplace - for we are not cats - and we are surey not insects. So then what now. There's no arguing your way out of dumped - but not even trying - well i would always regret not trying.
So that's that then. I shall give her some time - then I go to her - hold out my hand and see.

Time Heals Wounds More Easily Than it Does Regrets. hey that's not half bad! (i)
That'll be my new quote. All comments and ideas, and prayers, all gratefully accepted.

Failed_Knight
- Jack.


Jack, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. From one heartbroken guy to another, you're not alone. I completely feel your pain . Keep your head up my friend :)

[stargazerlily]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I hope you are able to find new friends and support here, I know I've made lots of wonderful friends on B-F who are really amazing. Wishing you peace and healing.
*big hugs*

[SweetBlueDiva43]

Jack,

a close lady friend where i live is going through almost the same exact thing, you are.

I'm always speechless when i learn about things of this nature ...

I hope your heart heals soon

[button2cute]

Hello,

I am very sorry about the unexpected departure of your wife to be. As you look at the past remembering the time spent together and sharing a piece of time together. They are not rotten and pissy between you and her. Cherish those moments and treasures and place them in a special place.

Sometimes, some people feel the need of departing from a relationship for one reason or several of reasons. Y do they depart as quickly and silent is unknown. There are assumptions, opinions, and the grape vine (who are 100%) chattering throughout the air and close your ears. Only listen to your ex gf or her written words to you about the situation. Do not get caught up in the hy says and she says realm of the world turns.

Just try to begin heal and understand things happen for a reason and one day you will know the reason or reasons. I know it’s hard and not everyone in the world wants their relationship to end by unknown reasons or by a walk-out. It sucks and no matter what angle you may look at the situation, unfortunately, it is what is.

Hopefully, you are able to allow her the space to grow or deal with her choices. Eventually, she may return and speak to you directly. Just let her be, let her deal with her reality and whatever she is doing in society. I am speaking to you from experiences and I hope I can encourage you not to make the same mistakes as I did. Just let it go, start healing yourself and building yourself once again.

One day, she will return and explain things to you of why this situation had occurred.

Just believe in yourself and everything will work out.

[Dude]

Why she didn't sit with me, let me hold her and tell me it was harder than just hard... that she tried but couldn't get beyond it .... . There's no arguing your way out of dumped - but not even trying - well i would always regret not trying.
So that's that then. I shall give her some time - then I go to her - hold out my hand and see.

Failed_Knight
- Jack.

Jack,
This is a really sad story and the way she left says SHE is not willing to try ANYTHING.
That's a horrible tacky way to leave someone and truth be told if she is capable of it once she could do it again.
After a year and a half if you cant trust her you will never be able to.

Get some counseling so you wont have to take what she did personal.
Like you mention the FTM issues may have been too much for her. .
She took the cowards way out and could not even give you the human decency of saying "I cant do this anymore"
What's to love about that?

Work on yourself..Jack and one day you'll likely find someone more suited for you who can hang through tthe hard stuff.

PM me if you want to vent some more.
I can almost guarantee that bird ain't coming back....I'm sorry..

[OutlawDaddy]

(Snipped)

the way she left says SHE is not willing to try ANYTHING.

horrible

tacky

if she is capable of it once she could do it again.

After a year and a half if you cant trust her you will never be able to.

She took the cowards way out

could not even give you the human decency of saying "I cant do this anymore"

What's to love about that?

can ('t) hang through tthe hard stuff.

I can almost guarantee that bird ain't coming back

I can appreciate Jack's need to vent and find support, but with all due respect, from his first post we're all aware that his former partner is also a member. I don't think it's fair to engage in name calling. There are two sides to every story. She's not here to defend herself, not that she should ever have too. We don't know and can't assume how much she loved or didn't. Maybe what she did was the most decent, courageous, loving act she could manage with what she had. Can't we support Jack without tearing apart his ex? Afterall, it doesn't build any of us up, it tears away at the fibers of our community.

OD

[frogcruz]

She may not come back?!!? But if she does is it worth trying to live in the past. All the hurt in the world can't erase a love thats true, no matter how much you really want it to stop. Though you have been hurt it doesnt mean that you can no longer love (her or a new). My prayers and thoughts are with you, as I too have been in your shoes.:s

[sharkchomp]

Hey Jack
I'm really sorry that your girl walked out on you. No matter if was the most loving act she could do or the worst, it would still hurt like hell. I have to agree with the poster above - find a good councelor and work on you. I'm not saying self improvement I'm saying for healing. And then look around - there's 6 BILLION peeps in this world. Trust me! There's a person out there that's perfect for you.

I just have to say I wish you would have picked a different name. Who says you failed? So she left, sometimes relationships don't work out. It doesn't mean you are a failure or a terrible person or that being yourself put too much stress on her. Maybe it's not so much you failed her or that she even failed you but that the relationship failed. Get back on your horse dude - be proud cause I know (even though i'm not a FtM I do know many) you're a very strong person to walk your path. A knight, I would believe, a fighter I would believe, a person hurting I understand but failed - no way man! Everyday you fight the fight, you're a winner!

Best of luck - and go to counceling!
~~~shark~~~~~~~

[Dude]

I can appreciate Jack's need to vent and find support, but with all due respect, from his first post we're all aware that his former partner is also a member. I don't think it's fair to engage in name calling. There are two sides to every story. She's not here to defend herself, not that she should ever have too. We don't know and can't assume how much she loved or didn't. Maybe what she did was the most decent, courageous, loving act she could manage with what she had. Can't we support Jack without tearing apart his ex? Afterall, it doesn't build any of us up, it tears away at the fibers of our community.

OD

I appreciate how you snipped to make what I said look worse...
Indeed there are always two sides.
I can not imagine this person getting advise to bail
the way she did unless there was abuse involved.
Name calling? give me a break.
Lets agree to not engage shall we...as I had to click
a special button to see you were speaking to me ..
I shall now click it back to its original position..
For the good of the fibers and all (y)

[Sophisticated1]

I can appreciate Jack's need to vent and find support, but with all due respect, from his first post we're all aware that his former partner is also a member. I don't think it's fair to engage in name calling. There are two sides to every story. She's not here to defend herself, not that she should ever have too. We don't know and can't assume how much she loved or didn't. Maybe what she did was the most decent, courageous, loving act she could manage with what she had. Can't we support Jack without tearing apart his ex? Afterall, it doesn't build any of us up, it tears away at the fibers of our community.

OD

Agreed OD. Also, as the old saying goes, drastic situations call for drastic measures. People typically don’t take such drastic measures just out of the blue. Maybe she did maybe she didn’t.

Not knowing what led to such a departure, I am reluctant to comment upon her motivations or character. Feels a bit band wagon-ish. Not knowing either of the people involved, Im reluctant to say anything more than I hope things work out for everybody.

S1

[Failed_Knight]

i just popped back on and already there are posts listed! wow! Even reading that "essay" of mine says a lot.
But i wanted to say - That 'x' was and is a wonderful beautiful person. She kept saying i wasn't listening, over and over again". - and apparently i missed something, eh? She hasn't logged on here since spring of '06 - But regardless - I didn't want to have the wrong impression of her floating around anywhere. She's still my wife to me, you know? And it hurts - and the way it was done hurt to the core - but....

But she's not some cruel, lying beast either! Oh no. That isn't right, and i didn't mean to insinuate that. To her credit she DID move all the way from the UK to the US on the testemony of my words and my love. She took the big risk and flew here that very first time, to meet and visit someone she'd only spoken online with. (several months worth of daily 6-9 hour chats mind you, but still... could have been a skilled ruse on my part or something dangerous. Though there was no danger - since I loved her from her first hello. Funny how that was. But i digress.

And then as time went by - married now - in New York - i first felt something 'wrong' in the air... and i wanted to 'catch it' before it grew into something serious. (ha! did a great job there, eh)
I did two things:
1.) I tried to fix it asap. talk to me - let me hold you - let me talk to YOU - 'silent weekend' (i definitely wouldn't recommend that paticular one) - talking softly-loudly-with tears- and a hundred other ideas to get to the core issue of what the F was going on?

and
2.) I paniced. instead of just rolling with it and trusting it will be what it will be - I was scared of what it might turn into. not an attractive quality i'm thinking. crap. i did my best and looking back... my best suked.

i suppose 'panic and fear' looks the same as 'anger'. Now add to that recipe to the general misunderstandings - all while learning each other's 'English' at the same time.

Nothing i did or didn't do worked. Not flowers, i love you's, your beautiful in all ways - random notes of love, etc etc. talking - listening - counseling twice even. But I just couldn't break through that barrier.

Fear kills everything. I knew she wasn't happy - and i wasn't either. But i had faith in love - in our love. -

there's a very good reason they put "for better or worse" in there. And to me that high-feeling of love is more like a graph than a constant level. - ups and downs but always making a stronger circle if you both stick through it - That's always been my take on it. That people give up on eachother - and so quickly at that. Not just this case here. But almost everywhere i look.
She felt that way too once - we talked about it before and she said she did - but when it comes down to it... you just can't make your heart do something it just won't do. period.

Well thats about it - and i wasn't going to leave another re-cap here - but was worried i might have gave the wrong impression of my wife as a person. She isn't some mean-spirited btch. No. She was never that. She had her reasons - obviously.
and you cant change what the heart decides.
Again... a big thanks for all the comments. And fast too! what a speedy and compassionate bunch. thank you.

As for the future: Please note I'm not usually an 'All-About-Me' type of person. . In fact, if truth continues to be told... I am embarressed and humiliated at what i have written. But it is the truth and where I'm at right now. - and my not liking it won't change it. The last thing i EVER wanted to do was make her feel trapped, caged. But she felt exactly that. That i do know for sure. As to where she exactly went and who she's with? - that's something only God knows. (as well as 20 or so others - most who looked me square in the eye every day almost, and never said a thing.

anyone else that's been where i am tonight? - QUESTION: How long till you were able to sleep in your bed alone - the bed you used to share? I can barely walk into that room, let alone sit or lie down in it.
The couch is a bit too small - but our marriage bed is much too big. for now. Hey! - Perhaps I've discovered the real motivation behind bits of GoldiLocks and some of her delemias? hmm.

And what usually happens to those of us that HAVE gotten Married, thanks to the freedom to marry acts in places in Canada, and the like? Or do most just ignore that part? That tiny little, legal detail.. I don't recall even seeing the word 'divorce'. Just a scribbled, last minute Dear Jack letter.
I wonder if that is a common issue now that we can go beyond living-together' if we choose? Be curious to find out.

Failed_Knight (- Jack)



FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...
Perhaps you took it as a question

[Peach]

OD[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

I appreciate how you snipped to make what I said look worse...
Indeed there are always two sides.
I can not imagine this person getting advise to bail
the way she did unless there was abuse involved.
Name calling? give me a break.v

You dont know that for sure and it does no good whatsoever to speculate about it. YOU werent there, you dont know, nobody but those two involved know why she left.

Lets agree to not engage shall we...as I had to click
a special button to see you were speaking to me ..
I shall now click it back to its original position..

this was out of line Dude. You are dragging your personal issue with OD into a thread that is not ABOUT you and OD. If I see anymore of it, I will hand out time outs.

[Blavatsky]

Jack,
This is a really sad story and the way she left says SHE is not willing to try ANYTHING.
That's a horrible tacky way to leave someone and truth be told if she is capable of it once she could do it again.
After a year and a half if you cant trust her you will never be able to.

Get some counseling so you wont have to take what she did personal.
Like you mention the FTM issues may have been too much for her. .
She took the cowards way out and could not even give you the human decency of saying "I cant do this anymore"
What's to love about that?

Work on yourself..Jack and one day you'll likely find someone more suited for you who can hang through tthe hard stuff.

PM me if you want to vent some more.
I can almost guarantee that bird ain't coming back....I'm sorry..

I agree with Dude. You asked for responses to your post, and I think this about says it all...
There's not much a butch (or anyone) can do with "the silent treatment". And unless you are being eggregiously dishonest about the circumstances, suddenly bolting without explanation is - at the least- selfish and unloving. Of course, all we can respond to here is your perspective. I am sorry for your pain and wish you equilibrium and recovery. I agree with Dude that if it happened once- whatever the circumstances- it will happen again, even if she returns.
BTW, I think "Failed Knight" has it's charm as a B-F name. Best of luck to you.

[Blavatsky]

P.S. I didn't see all the drama, fruiting, etc. before i posted. So i am in no way weighing in on that. Nor am i interested...lol.

[Annie]

but when it comes down to it... you just can't make your heart do something it just won't do. period. [/I][/COLOR]

You can't make your heart do something it CAN'T do either.

You've been through an awful shock, and I can't even imagine what it must be like to discover your wife left under the circumstances you found yourself within. My deepest condolences for your loss.

My heart goes out to you.

My heart goes out to your wife too. I pretty much guarantee this will be horrible for her too.

These decisions (to leave knowing the pain it will cause) are never easy. I would say they are actually quite heroic in a way. Sometimes we have to do what our hearts tell us we need, even though we know it will have repurcussions far beyond today, and it will cause pain to those we love. No fault. No anger, no blame.

You seem to have a high level of self-awareness, and your willingness to process and share is something I see as very helpful to your growth and ability to move on from here. I'm sure this will sustain you and help you through these hard times. I'm glad you came here and reached out, I hope you have found some comfort here. Maybe you will stay, maybe not, but thanks for sharing your story because it will have helped someone where on this site. That's how it works.

Public thanks to OD for drawing the line in the sand for what's supportive here. I always love to see community building being brought to the fore as our reason for being here. Cos that's what it's all about.

All strength to you.

[femmegirrl]

Jack..just sending you hugs of support and an ear to listen if you need a friend,,,,

[button2cute]

Hello, All

There will always be two sides of a story. However, it’s not two sides anymore and its three sides: Jack’s side, ex gf’s side and somewhere lies in the middle is the truth. Why concentrate in speculation of the ex gf’s side and the reason/s she left? At this point, who cares? I and maybe some of you do not need to hear her side or what happen in the break up?

Why not concentrate on finding resolutions to Jack’s situation? Yes, many others posters are correct in their post as well. But arguing or being spiteful with each other and the OP does not find resolutions. We are supportive, caring and friends/enemies community. This community is a whole to be there for people who are having a tough day or something negative that occurred to someone. Therefore, I should be a positive and supportive member without prying into the other side, directly deal with the question and give an honest answer.

Jack and hys ex gf knows what happen and Jack has to deal with the outcome of the break up. Jack should move on and to work on Jack only. Jack, time will heal all wounds if you want it too. Sometimes, Jack you have to hurt bad enough in order to understand who you are as a person. The pain can range from intensity to nothing. Now, is a time to heal, acceptance, move on, re-build, and become a stronger and healthier person. I believe the posters are given you “apologies” and understanding. Therefore, I hope everything goes well and remember” life does not end and it’s just beginning.”

P.S. I do agree with the rule of not speaking or sharing anything of another member. Believe me, its not fair, its hurtful, some people will divide into sides, and all of it bullshyt. I broken the rule once I will never do it again. Please understand all members have the right to be on the site without any negative issues toward hym or her.

Disclaimer:
These are words from my opinions and thoughts. I am not speaking about anyone at all. Thank you.

[happygirlygirl1]

Dear Jack,
Being one of the married femmes, I will tell you that taking those legal wedding vows makes a big difference. However, more importantly your statement "She kept saying i wasn't listening, over and over again". - and apparently i missed something, eh?" Yes, I think that must be true.

I keep wondering what changed in your communication once she moved to the US? Communcation in a butch-femme relationship can be very difficult. With different backgrounds, different countries of origin and just being butch or femme. I know I've felt not listened to by my butch and wanted to bolt. I know it takes work, love and patience, something that ought to be sold on e-bay as a package deal. However, since we have to muddle through on our own we have to learn the other's language without a dictionary, or thesaurus. It's not too late to ask, if you really want to know, what it is that she was trying to tell you. She changed her whole life to be with you, and felt unheard. In the same cirumstance I would have felt very lonely. Is there anyway you can re-open the communication channels and save your relationship?
(f)

[msmoxie]

hmmmm.

failed knight, first, i have to say this clearly is a very difficult and trying, emotional time for you, and i am sure, for your wife as well. i wish you both a steadier road and peace of heart, and time to reflect and figure out what must comes next for you each as individuals and as a couple.

with this space in between you now, surely there will be time for reflection--which is essential for any kind of positive outcome, be it for each of you on a personal level, and perhaps as a couple. look in the mirror. with that should come hard questions and perhaps hard to look at answers, and eventually, some sort of growth and learning about yourselves and each other. relationships are at the heart a dynamic, and it does take two to tango. usually no one is entirely to blame. we enter in hope together, and we enter our demise together as well.

as i read your posts i thought that while it may *feel* out of the blue that she up and left after you dropped her at work that day, it was not true that it actually happened that way. certainly, her flying back home without sharing her plans with you was a surprise, but your posts reveal that some sort of unravelling had been transpiring for quite some time, conversations, pleading, flowers, counselling, etc.

leaving a marriage is not something most of us do on a lark.

--msmox

[Raspberry]

Hi. I'm Jack. My wife of 20 months used to pop in here sometimes - so i wanted to take a peek myself.

_snip_



Failed Knight-

I see that you are new so you may not be aware of our Terms of Service (I suggest you read them: click the link at the bottom of any page)

I particularly direct you to this portion: "You agree not to make your personal dramas public, or name names of other users who may be embarrassed by your posts, or post information from other sites, journals, private messages, or blogs to embarrass, belittle, or disturb the privacy of another member."

This is especially a problem when your ex is also a member, as you have indicated. It is never acceptable to name names either.
Please review and act accordingly in the future.

[celtglen]

I agree with Dude. You asked for responses to your post, and I think this about says it all...
There's not much a butch (or anyone) can do with "the silent treatment". And unless you are being eggregiously dishonest about the circumstances, suddenly bolting without explanation is - at the least- selfish and unloving. Of course, all we can respond to here is your perspective. I am sorry for your pain and wish you equilibrium and recovery. I agree with Dude that if it happened once- whatever the circumstances- it will happen again, even if she returns.
BTW, I think "Failed Knight" has it's charm as a B-F name. Best of luck to you.


Well put Brother(y)

[ZRider]

You have not failed. You are learning about life. That you never know someone like you know yourself, if you're lucky to even get to that epiphany of self. Life is unpredictable. Isn't that what we love so much about it? Recognition of self is a discovery of constant changes. When you feel all is lost, it isn't. It's just placed on another path.

While pain of the heart will offer up the deepest chasm to jump in, our own self-preservation will allow us to only look over the edge. And wait. Perhaps your beloved is in search of self. All you can do for now is allow her this.

Take care of yourself

[Independent]

I couldn't have said it better myself - going threough a similar situation, although the time together wasn't but 8 months ... still hurts though