hi... how do you cope with an alcoholic partner/ex/husband/wife....

[katrinka82]

I do not know if there is a thread out here for people who have dealt with their significant other being an alcoholic.

if there is then please let me know and I will disregard this one.

it is just that even a year later I am dealing with the repercussions of her habit, her addiction to drinking... thankfully we are not longer together and I do not speak to her often.

I guess I was wondering how others were coping and getting over certain fears and dealing with situations post breakup or if you are still in the relationship.

I know there are groups and special "clubs" you can join for help...and I also know I am not alone in the world... I guess for me this is a bit easier than standing up in front of a group and saying... my ex-fiancee is an alcoholic but will not admit it how do I get over this....



this is the one thing I am tired of trying to smile through....

[DivaTX45]

I do not know if there is a thread out here for people who have dealt with their significant other being an alcoholic.

if there is then please let me know and I will disregard this one.

it is just that even a year later I am dealing with the repercussions of her habit, her addiction to drinking... thankfully we are not longer together and I do not speak to her often.

I guess I was wondering how others were coping and getting over certain fears and dealing with situations post breakup or if you are still in the relationship.

I know there are groups and special "clubs" you can join for help...and I also know I am not alone in the world... I guess for me this is a bit easier than standing up in front of a group and saying... my ex-fiancee is an alcoholic but will not admit it how do I get over this....



this is the one thing I am tired of trying to smile through....


Please try Al-Anon....it has helped me so much!!!! It has helped me not only understand the habit of someone dear to me, but has also helped me deal with how to get over the repercussions of her abusive behavior toward me. And that, I guess, was the worst part of it all....

God bless Your heart(l) ...and it will get better....everyone has a choice...the choice to drink or not...and the choice to get help or not.....be very glad that you are vulnerable...once someone shuts THAT down, it's hard to re-open and in order to cope, to not feel, I have discovered that they drink to mask & shut out the pain.

~Diva (8)

[TAZMO]

Diva has given you excellent advice. Perhaps you could get a friend to join you. Everything will fall into perspective when you understand the life of an alcoholic better. There is a thread here called Bill W. ,for people in recovery, that might be of some assistance also.

You definitely are not alone, and please don't feel hesitate to ask for help or questions. Take care of YOU. (})

[vetiver]

You are definitely not alone. You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight

[Daddy J]

As a recovering alcoholic I suggest you go to Alanon, it's for friends and family of the alcoholic. Really there is not much you can do for ppl like us except don't take care of us. The best thing for us is to hit our bottom and seek help on our own Sounds cold I know but trust me it's the most loving thing you can do.

God bless

JT

[katrinka82]

thanks I have looked in to al a non.... previously... it is hard to find a GLBT friendly one sometimes... and I know it shouldn't matter but to some people it does.

I want to thank you for your support and I know I am not alone... and I know it is a diffiuclt situation to be in on both sides of the alcohol. I know everything takes time... and I have the time... I just have to keep taking it...

thanks again for adding to the thread

[sillysweetnserious]

~~subscribing~~

soooo much to say on this subject. i'll be back when i have lots of time to read and write. hang in there katrinka. there are brighter days.

~sss

[Kyssme]

thanks I have looked in to al a non.... previously... it is hard to find a GLBT friendly one sometimes... and I know it shouldn't matter but to some people it does.



yes, sometimes it does matter. i know ... even if you can't find a GLBT group, you should be able to find one that is GLBT friendly. at al-anon, AA and NA meetings, sexuality isn't usually an issue- addiction is.

thses days, i'm attending weekly group meetings with a loved one who was using- i'm the ONLY gay person in the group and i came out the first night. truly, it hasn't been an issue- our loved ones' drug usage is why we're all there.

hugs ... and good thoughts to you!

[Kyssme]

a couple of years ago, i started a similar thread under a different screen name ...

http://www.butch-femme.com/portal/forums/showthread.php?t=8805 <<< click!!

there's a lot of good advice there. :)

[MagicBesos]

Best of luck, and I hope you find something that helps you.

[freyja]

Katrinka 82: If you are feeling uncomfortable at RL al anon meeintgs, you might try getting some support from the forums on the SoberRecovery website..(They have a very strong Women's Forum with quite a few lesbian members, a Family and Friends forum and a Relationships and Parenting forum that have all been helpful to me.) Although a lot of people there will also encourage you to attend RL meetings, you might at least find it helps you to feel a little more comfortable going to them.

Personally, I have been in al anon for almost 2 and a half years now (never had any problem being a lesbian there although I do not attend specifically GLBT meetings, except for the one open AA meeeting I also attend regularly) and in my experience, there is nothing else that could even come close to helping me deal with alcoholism and/or the alcoholic the way al anon has -- and this includes years of expensive individual, couples, and group therapy. (My partner has been physically sober for 22 years but also was what they call a "dry drunk" for much of the ten years or so we have been together -- which basically means emotionally and spiritually very much un-sober with ever-escalating alcoholic behavior, minus the actual drinking....)

There is also an article that someone posted a link to that really helped me in terms of understanding alcoholic behavior. It's by Floyd P. Garrett and it's called "Addiction, Lies and Relationships." My understanding is that we're not supposed to post links here, but if you google it, you'll find it easily. It is very verbose and academic, but in my opinion, worth the trouble of reading, because it is so very right-on about all the destructive behaviors that accompany progressive addiction.....

....and always remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you absolutely cannot control it or the person suffering from it....but you do have choices that can help you cope with it....sometimes you just need to get a little bit of distance in order to start to be able to see what those choices are....

take care of you --
freyja

[katrinka82]

"....and always remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you absolutely cannot control it or the person suffering from it....but you do have choices that can help you cope with it....sometimes you just need to get a little bit of distance in order to start to be able to see what those choices are...."





she and I are no longer together nor do we have contact... I know i didn;t cause. it but in the begining I thought I could help... I found out after much time and emotion that I could not. I know now that I can not cure it or help her... and I am slowly coping with it... everything takes time... it is all a day to day process... and I am learning from it all the time


thanks for your input it means alot...

[sillysweetnserious]

Katrinka,

Hang in there beautiful. Those who have posted above have given you wonderful advice. I'll do my best to be helpful by sharing my experience. I seem to have a knack for finding alcoholics/addicts and falling for them. The majority of my relationships have been with addicts of all varieties. There are so many horror stories - we all have them. And I certianly have a loooong way to go in my work on this. But here are some things I've learned.

I think you're doing what I did at first - I sought help in dealing with the other person's behavior/problems. I wanted to know how to be a better gf to my addict partner, how to survive in that relationship. Really, what Al-Anon does is help you see that who you need to be looking at is yourself. It has nothing to do with the alcoholic, his/her behavior, his/her problems, your relationship with him/her, and so on. Al-Anon is there to help you look at YOU and take the focus off the alcholic.

One of the best lessons I learned is to "detach with love." It sounds impossible. It sounds cold. But it is the most freeing thing you can do. I've never felt so much relief as when I realized, if she couldn't pay her bills or was going through withdrawals or was in jail again, I could love her without making it my problem. I didn't get her there, and it wasn't my responsibility to get her out. Nothing restored my sanity more than learning that.

In addition to going to Al-Anon, I recommend lots of reading. If you're hesitant to sit with a group of people, reading on your own is a good way to start to work toward healing. "Codependent No More" is probably the Bible for friends/family of alcholics/addicts. You'll be amazed at how much of yourself you see in that book. I think the best advice I could give you is to buy that book TODAY.

Again, I have so much more to learn - I'm not speaking from an expert's point of view. It's not like I "graduated" and have conquered my issues. It's an ongoing process. But these are some of the things that brought me out of the confusion and chaotic thinking that I'm guessing you're experiencing.

If you do decide you might want to try Al-Anon, know that everyone in there has been where you are, and I don't think you'll find a more supportive accepting group of people. They know your pain better than anyone. And you don't have to say a word in the meetings. They won't make you stand up at the front of the room and say "Hi, my name is Susie and my ex is an alcoholic." You can simply say "I'm just here to listen" or "pass." I couldn't get through a meeting without crying for months and months. And they all understood. Just sitting and listening to what they all have to say can be sooo helpful. And pay special attention to the people you see that have a peace about them - that seem to be living the way you'd like to live. Those are the best people to listen to.

Good luck to you sweetie. Removing yourself from the relationship/situation is a wonderful start. But those feelings that were there are still there because they lie within you, not her. Keep working at it. If what you're doing isn't working, do something else. Read. Listen. Journal. There are throngs of people out here who will help you.

PM me any time if you need to talk. Take care of you.
~SSS

[katrinka82]

Tazmo thanks for the link to that... I tried to read it and it seriously hurt so much I had to stop.... but I am trying to continue even though it does hurt and brings back memroies I never knew I had.... sometimes coping with a situation is more than talking about it...you really have to listen to whereyou are and how you yourself can separate from what is within you.

to anyone else reading this... thanks and thank you for your input... but i did not start this thread to be just about me (although I do love attn ;) ) I guess I just wanted to hear what everyone else in thiw world has or had done to continue their lives...

it is weird but I want to be able to walk into a bar again and not have this huge fear that the person i am with will be leaving completely obliterated. *shrugs* everything in time...