The Friendly Ex

[graciefreak]

So, I was reading another thread... and wondering what the opinions about befriending exs is. I am currently very good friends with one ex, and fairly good friends with another ex, the two grrls I loved before I fell in love with the woman I am with now. I had some specific questions about stuffs... but just opening this open for right now

[MissPris]

I have four exes. Two of them still live in the same metro area I live in. One lives in another state, and the other lives in another country. I consider all four of them "friends" only in the sense that we have all accepted, and moved on from, the fact that the romantic relationship each one had with me is over with. All four of them exchange Christmas cards with me, and if any of them ever needed a favor that I could do for them, I'd do it.

But that is not the same thing as my friends who actually are still part of my life -- the ones I spend time with, who are invited when I entertain in my home, and whom I still have regular contact with.

As I've said before, I think that many times the statement "I want us to stay friends" really means "I want us to think well of each other." How long it takes -- or whether it ever happens -- depends on a lot of things, such as why the relationship ended, whether it was a mutual decision, whether there was a third person involved, etc.

I think it's fine to remain "friendly" with exes, but unless there are children that have been parented together (and therefore a need for constant interaction), I think it's better to go your separate ways, wish each other well if you can, and leave it at that.

Miss Pris

[Merlin]

I think it would be great to be friends with my ex. I was friends with my ex, atleast for a while, well more like a couple of years. Until, suddenly my ex started getting really flakey. She would phone me up and tell me all these dramatic health problems she was having. Now I would ask her what she was going to do about these health problem, and what changes she was planning on making in her life to improve her health. After all she was an adult and in charge of her life and her health, not I. Then she would phone me up and tell me about the financial disaster she had made of her life. My answer was the same.

Then all of a sudden she phoned me one day and told me she had fallen in love with a DOCTOR. My answer was great, good luck. The next day she e-mailed me and accused me of being in love with her and told me that I had unhealthy feelings for her. We were no longer to have contact, that she was changing her phone number.

hmmm life is strange, relationships are strange. Can we be friends with an ex, yes, until she gets FLAKEY, then it's all over.

[GothQueenVamp]

I am friends with my X's its not a problem I don't think my Gf minds either...infact I think they are friends to.....

But I will be honest sometimes it can be hard work to be friends with an X:[

[Needlegirl]

i currently really dislike every single one of my exes.

at best, i can tolerate their presence in the same room with me for around an hour or so without violence. this lack of violence is only attributed to the fact that they know that i dislike them and, thusly, they do not attempt to make contact. this is good for me emotionally, and, i'm guessing, good for my current girlfriend emotionally because she does not have to deal with the "threat" of me still having "feelings" for this person, nor the threat of the other person still having feelings for me and possibly influencing my behavior and attitudes towards her.

(thus this rules out the argument "it's not YOU i'm worried about honey.. it's HER.")

i don't know. i guess since my relationships have never ended with a clean break, or even just a slightly messy break, i have left the relationship with absolutely no desire to see that person physically again. and therefore i can't understand why anyone would still want to be friends with their ex, and i can't help but feel threatened at times if with someone who is friends with an ex. (and i am defining friend as someone the current lover still talks with regularly on the phone, or visits regularly, especially on a one to one basis without my presence.)

i also get paranoid about the i'm still friends with my ex thang simply because a good majority of my breakups were BECAUSE of the "friendly ex" that my then girlfriend either went back to, or disrespected me/ left me because of the opinions of the "friend."

<3needle. battleaxe. :[

[graciefreak]

wow Needle, sounds like you've had some unneeded heart break in your time, I'm sorry to hear that.

I have to agree with your line "I currently really dislike..." because at one point I hated my ex, B, after I got over her, we just drove eachother crazy with our mutual hatred. However, at some point we just gave up on hating eachother, because we still shared all our mutual friends, and constantly had to see her. Now I consider her one of my closest friends, and miss her terribly because she lives in a far off place...

do you think your feelings could change?

-quizical butch
Gracie

[XXX]

I have 1 ex in my life that wants me 2 move far away as in 2 Pluto or anywhere else were she wouldn't have 2 see me or be a part of my new life becuz in her own words I remind her that she missed up and that there's no turning back cuz I'm not going 2 take her back this time like I always did and this time I've decided 2 move on..and I'm glad I did. My g/f has nothing 2 fear except being stuck w/me cuz my heart is stuck on her.

Now ofcourse moving to pluto and not seeing my ex is kinda out of the question cuz I see her everyday at work ...and to make matters worst my g/f lives many miles away and so there is way 2 much distance working against me and way 2 much forced closeness between me and my ex 4 every1's comfort. exspecailly my own.

I do believe some ex's can be friends (I've seen this with exes of my exes and didn't see any problems with that), but there definately has 2 be the friendship desire on both sides, time 2 get over the breakup, and lots of respect for the fact that they have moved on and that means no1 trying to turn the relationship back into a romance or bringing back the past relationship issues.

I do also find ex'es are exes 4 a reason and that chances are history will repeat itself if you allow it 2.

With that said I'm lucky 2 be blessed with a g/f that trust me inspite her horrible past...cuz she deserves to be with some1 who would never do something like that and (dispite misunderstands.mis conceptions) I could never ever disrespect the comment 2 my lady--my lov the 1 that has my trust and heart.

[Needlegirl]

Originally posted by graciefreak
wow Needle, sounds like you've had some unneeded heart break in your time, I'm sorry to hear that.

do you think your feelings could change?


Nope! i hate 'em! :D

heh.

in reality, i hate one (or the closest feeling to hate that Christianity will allow me to begrudge. ha!) and doubt that i'll ever be able to tolerate her. ten years later i'd still go up to her and be like "yeah. still hate you."

<3needle. grudgeholder! gnar! :[

PS: XXX- you rock my socks. :) of course i trust you! (re: pussy-whipped thread. haha!)

[pinkcrush]

I totally believe in ex's being out of your life. Especially if you are in a relationship. I have tried being friends with ex's and being ok with my gf being friends with ex's but I really feel like it is alot to ask of your mate.

There is too much history, too many emotions. It's a lot to request the new love of your life to tolerate the past loves of your life.

I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule but I have no desire to make any. (except if children were involved.)

I'm learning to set boundries with my boi and the ex is a lesson I learned the hard way. I rationalized, "it's a small community, we all have to get along." or "I know who my boi is going home with."

My boi had her own issues with my ex. I tried to balance the two but I always felt guilty. If I hung with my ex I felt guilty for doing something that made my boi uncomfortable. If I didn't I felt guilty for turning my back on someone I considered a friend, but in the end I decided that it was time to make my relationship a priority.

My boi did not ask me to do this or give me any grief, it was just time. I on the other hand have said to her, "I don't want to involve your ex's in my life, I am not comfortable being invloved with them and I am sorry if I lead you to believe I was. "

My 2 cents.

(k) (k) (k)

[pinkcrush]

I currently dislike most of my gf's ex's but I don't think you have to dislike someone to decide not to hang with them. It helps though. I like my ex just fine. I just love my boi more. (l)

[Lilipop]

...but on the other hand, to friends with my ex. Well, don't think so. I am a very emotional person. Not that I am going to jump in bed with my ex if I see her, but i just don't want to remember anything regarding her. Hmmmmmmmm....I am not making sense here, fight? it is an uncomfortable thing to me anyway. Sigh.

....^V^....

[techie]

PinkCrush said it right (see below)
""There is too much history, too many emotions. It's a lot to request the new love of your life to tolerate the past loves of your life.""

I say when it is over, it needs to be over.....
N-O-W, I have not always heeded to that idea. The idea evolved over time. I am 46 years old, I have had 4 women in my past where we had a relationship. The first 3 break-ups turned out well. I was in my twenties then. We were able to be friends and carry on. The last one, oh my gosh, she still hates me - even after 3 and a half years. We were together 9 years and had planned to grow old together. Sadly enough, I "fell out of love" with her those last 2 or 3 years that we were still together. I still loved her but I got to the point I did not enjoy being around her - I felt like a hostage.

If I get involved again, I would not put a new love through the ordeal of having to put up with any my Xs. And furthermore, I do not want anyone hanging around who has seen my woman naked (in THAT sense) so I hope she will understand and be agreeable. Seriously folks, relationships can be difficult sometimes and adding Xs to the mix (merely my opinion) is just asking for trouble.

Hope I am making sense here. I have not had my shot of caffeine yet this morning. <grins>