My femme friend...just found out is a liar! [Archive]

View Full Version : My femme friend...just found out is a liar!

cherryrub2004

10-25-2004, 09:04 PM

ladies i have a problem...this is a long read.and im sorry for that

I have come to this forum before with problems and always got the advice/reassurance I needed....so please help with this

For a long time I didnt have any femme friends....until we met a butch femme couple in a gay bowling league....we became good friends with the two of them doing all the couple things we never got to do before...its been 3 years now and they have since broken up....mainly because of the femmes lies....

the butch is my butches best friend so we have remained close with her...she comes to us in pain when the femme lies to her about things (they have been friends for 24 yrs so try to remain that way) and the femme just lies and lies...i have gotten to the point i dont believe a word that comes out of her mouth....she was kicked out of her current living situation because 2000$ came up missing from the landlords brief case..and is now back living with her ex-butch...this bothers me because i dont want to believe she took the money..but i cant trust her! and dont want our friend to get hurt

my question here is..am i wrong to assume that she hasnt changed like she said she has??....she tells me that SHE cant trust ME ...because i confide in her ex....she turns things around on me...and i just want to be done with her....is this common in femme friendships?? if so i see why i would rather sit quietly with the butches!!

why do people lie? she lies about her job..her friends...and she lied to me about the color of her nails!...should she seek professional help? should I just leave her alone?? or should i keep trying??

i feel lost....and i feel bad for her....where do i go from here...

cherryrub2004

10-26-2004, 09:38 AM

Peach

10-26-2004, 09:53 AM

Lying isnt exclusive to either butches OR femmes. people lie, period. What you need to do is decide who much of it you are willing to take, set your boundaries around this girl, and stick tothem. Call her out on her lies. dont let her in your house. If your butch friend is coming over, dont allow the other one to come, . YOU are the only one with the power to allow this person into your life, its up to you to decide how much of your life she can affect.

Concrete_Angel

10-26-2004, 09:55 AM

i guess no one wants to discuss the negative side of being friends with a femme...the lies and the competing...blah

dissapoints me a little that i cant come to this forum for advice from my fellow femmes...

i should go ask the butches what they think of femmes that lie..

Cherry,
Who knows why anyone lies or cheats or otherwise is morally bankrupt at times.

This is my opinion on friendship. I LOVE my femme friends..cherish them. ONE friendship with this femme does *not* mean that all feminine women will lie or hurt people. (you kinda turned on us fast and ran to the butches up there hon) You really can't blame gender on the character. ALL have the capability to lie regardless of gender.

Now.. this was/is your friend?? Maybe there is a root to her lies. If you saw something in her worth caring about (beyond your friendship with her butch) then there must be redeeming qualities there. If you all ARE friends, you should try to see why she is lying. Have you asked her?? True friendship can take the heat. Maybe she is hurting..especially if she is lying about something so basic as the color of her nails. Maybe she feels competition and feels she can't measure up. (you mentioned competition above, which is usually NOT a part of any healthy relationship).

I am IN NO WAY condoning her lying or her *possible* theft, (really you need proof of that) and you do have every right to protect yourself from such an occurence with your own belongings, but TRUE friends, be they femme or butch, stand by each other. They do the work. Don't run out on her if she needs you. ONE compassionate ear might reveal a very sad insecure person who fabricates a life to have one. What she needs just MIGHT BE a friend so YOU be the example of *femme* friendship and at least TALK to her to see why she is lying.

We, as humans, do odd things for all the wrong reasons. Find out hers before you take in her butch and kick her to the curb.

I am worried as to why you can bond with butches easier than femmes and why you stated that above about femmes, in haste. Do YOU make yourself a good femme friend or do you act out your obvious belief that femmes don't tell the truth or be loyal as friends.. maybe she picked up on that.

Good luck and take care..remember, to HAVE a friend you have to BE one.. :)

CA~

cherryrub2004

10-26-2004, 10:25 AM

i have been a good friend to her..helped her out in more ways then i can even explain here..when she started telling lies to me i was hurt and didnt even want to talk to her about it...

im sorry that i said only femmes lie....i know its true that both butches and femmes have their lies and games....

this girl and i became very close..and she is the ONLY femme friend i have ever been able to make....the other feminine friends i have are straight.....she did tell me that i was TOO honest with her..and that sometimes she wished i would just say what she wanted to hear..and i wont do that for anyone...

you are both right..no one knows why people lie or cheat .....for a long time she talked to me about being adopted and not ever knowing her real family..and i always thought that her insecurities came from never really knowing where she was from ....etc..but i just found out this year that she has known and been in close contact with her REAL mother for over 10 yrs...why would she lie to me? tell me she was raped and molested and then turn around the next year and actually ADMIT to making it up ??

i bond very quickly with butches...for reasons unknown...i guess all of our butch friends (almost all of our friends) see me as a "cool chick"..i love that my butch likes to ride motorcycles and sit on her butt playing PS 2 and all i ask of her is to take out the trash...lol

thanks for the advice ladies..
sorry for any hurt feelings

Concrete_Angel

10-27-2004, 08:09 AM

Cherry,

Making up lies about a sad childhood is USUALLY indicative of having a VERY rough one... NO ONE knows what makes us into the people we are... but she seems to really NEED a friend..

I understand needing to walk away when you feel used or hurt over lies, but I also have been there and found that people who say things, then take them back, USUALLY lose courage and REALLY had a bad experience.

If she felt abandoned BY her real family she just might be acting out fantasies of either:

A: an un-happy childhood to gain attention or pity to fulfill that side to her pain

or

B: Things that REALLY happened to her that she finds courage at times to admit to then lacks conviction to follow through on.

Call me naive but I believe people are basically good until something happens to screw them up and then if NO character was developed to handle it, we go to the inane or to a fantasy life to avoid the one we are in... so she just *might* have had a REALLY bad life with no skills for coping being learned.

Try to talk to her even if you, as you say, don't want to.. after all.. it MUST be a lil important or why would you seek advice about it??

CA~ *one good femme friend* :)

Left-Coast Virago

10-27-2004, 09:12 AM

Well, I must say I am in agreement with most of the people who have posted here, it is not just femmes that lie, anybody is capable of it. And you know trust is such a wierd thing. It is given when it shouldn't be, and not given when it should. I think that if this person of who is being spoken is truly that much of a burden, it is because you are allowing them to be.

Lord knows I have had my fair share of dealing with liars, and thieves, and I do not keep those kind of people around once it is discovered they are such, as that I will not allow my trust to be betrayed again. You know like the old saying, "Fuck me over once, shame on you; fuck me over twice, shame on me". Well, I personally never let it get to a "fuck me over twice" because I have spent too many years giving the benefit of the doubt, and have been robbed blind, lied to beyond no reprieve, and have had my trusts played back on me.......call me cynical and bitter, call me a bastard, call me whatever, but I won't allow myself to used like that anymore.

crazy4bois

11-18-2004, 04:50 PM

Cherryrub2004, I know what it's like to want to have 'femme' friends. For the longest time, I only had 'straight' friends and regular 'lesbian' friends to hang out with, and I wanted other 'femmes' in my life, who understood the butch/femme dynamic. I eventually found more femmes to hang out with and get to know, and there was one that I was getting close to. Here she and another of her friends, really 'snowballed' me one time, and it came as a complete shock and I felt extremely betrayed. That was it for me. I don't play games with other people, and I'm certainly not going to let anyone play games with me. I had to withdraw big time, because if you play with a snake and it bites, you aren't going to be stupid enough to keep playing with it. Her poor childhood, and sorry life, weren't any excuses either. I didn't have the perfect life growing up either, but I wouldn't have maliciously lied and try to turn things around from the truth.

Then there was this other femme, who lied about having this conversation with me online, through this butch/femme group I belong to. I didn't even know this person, yet she made up this crazy conversation that she supposedly had with me. It made me wonder if that was something normal that other 'femmes' do, since I never knew other ones before. It was extremely upsetting to me, because she talked as if she knew me already and had confided to me, when that wasn't the truth at all. So I posted that maybe she had me mixed up with another 'paula', and after that she must have crawled back under her rock. It's not that I wanted to alienate her, she was new to the group, but I'll be damned if I let anyone tell lies regarding me.

Anyway, I would keep this woman far away from you. Doesn't matter what kind of childhood she had, that's no excuse for lies and manipulation. If she's already had a life of lying to her partner and also to you, when you are just friends, what makes you exempt from some of her devious schemes?? I can be polite to women and people I don't respect, but I don't have to be friends with them and let them into my inner circle if I can't trust them at all. Maybe I'm hardcore, but I have very good boundaries when it comes to the kinds of friends I let into my life, and maybe that's why I have trustworthy friends. I refuse to tolerate lying, dishonesty, and manipulation whether it's femme or butch or anything in between.

Aqueerius

11-18-2004, 06:04 PM

I am in full agreement with the fact that anyone can lie, it is not just one type of person.

Cherryrub, I hate to admit this but to make you feel better I shall. I no longer have any desire to be friends with a femme woman. Just like Crazy, I too would much rather have straight women or butches as friends. I say this as only one could who has been exposed to many femmes that were only friendly towards me for reasons other than friendship. Having come out later in life I was a lot more naive then most people when feminine women both online and real time "wanted" to be friends. When I first moved here to MN from CO I put an ad on this website strictly stating that I was looking for femme friends. I outlined exactly what I meant by a friendship,etc. Well, my first round of emails were from femmes who didn't read my ad and asked me out. lol....I did find a femme that I became friendly with but who never seemed to want to do anything other than eat out. I thought "ok well its better than nothing." Well, it's been almost 2 yrs since I've seen or heard from her. She met someone, moved in and became partnered, and has now disappeared.

Then there are the online femmes who know that I am partnered and who I'm partnered to. These are the cleverly treacherous women who initially act like they are craving your friendship. But then start asking you questions about your other half, details about hym, your relationship etc. And the next thing you know they are using the information you shared with them to have meaningful banter with your butch. Ah, then there are the ones who feel your vulnerability when you say you're crabby or that something is bothering you. They encourage you to confide in them, then they go behind your back and discuss the details of what you thought was a "personal and confidential conversation" with other online friends, your butch....nice huh?

All of the above comes from actual experience. So I have nothing to gain by making any untrue statements.

And I am really great at being a friend....so I know what is real and what isn't. ;)

lingeriebabe

11-19-2004, 03:46 AM

doesnt seem to be the common answer but i do have to agree that i am better friends with butches

i had a femme tell me once the only reason she EVER talked to me...is because my butch was hot..this was after about 5 years of friendship...

and she was glad we had gotten to know each other and felt like she could tell me....

and she did

and we are no longer friends...lol

~lingerie

BabyGirlMela

11-29-2004, 08:50 PM

There are also people out there, femme, butch, straigh, whatever, who are pathological liars. It is a mental illness, and a very hard one to deal with. I have an ex who is just like that.

I am sorry that this lady you thought was your friend hurt you, hun...But don't tar all femmes with the same brush. I have been told that I am the most loyal person that anyone has ever met...and I have lost people because I am so honest.

Hang in there...you will find a nice femme friend.

spkyodd

12-12-2004, 06:13 PM