Butch-Femme.com

Hi friends and welcome to NATIONAL QUEERFATFEMME.COM GAY SEX WEEK, where each day this week I am going to talk about GAY SEX to increase LGBT presence in the media. Monday I addressed how to find other people to have gay sex with you. Today we’re chatting about how to have better sex.
I’m calling this GAY SEX WEEK in a satirical way in order to increase the presence of GAY SEX in the media (in reaction to a HuffPo article calling for less sanitized GAY SEX in the media) but really I mean queer sex.


I want to make explicit that my working definition of GAY SEX is any sex that a queer person has who wants to call it sex. What gets you off? That’s GAY SEX. What counts as GAY SEX to you today might not tomorrow and that’s okay. Variety is one of the very best attributes about GAY SEX.


Most of the links in this post are Not Safe For Work (NSFW) just so you know.


Here at QueerFatFemme.com I try to make it clear that there are no queer gatekeepers. For example, Femmes are still queer even when they are doing it to cisdudes. So when one of my Femme pals started doing it to a cisdude and reported back that the cunnilingus was surprisingly great (“Better than a lesbian! Best of my life!” she shockingly announced) I took my charm and talk show host realness to the source. Hanging out with this boy I asked him “So what made you so great at eating pussy?” (To be fair there was a lot of bourbon involved.)

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UPDATE: We have moved Butch-Femme.com to a new server. It took longer than we thought to move all the data over BUT we finally got it done! We are still working on getting the galleries up and running so we thank you for your patience. If you see any glitches please let us know!

First, let me say thank you to all the folks who donated to get Butch-Femme.com back online. We appreciate you! You all helped pay for the September fees with a little left over for October! This is an ongoing effort as the fees have to get paid every month. So please consider donating by clicking the button below or purchasing a membership by clicking this link. Don't want to buy a membership for yourself consider gifting a membership to someone else!

We will keep you updated on our financial status below so that you know what we know! Remember that every lil' bit helps!


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Glitterpositive Valentine Sentiments

Happy Validation Day everyone!



Chalk art from Re/Dress NYC by Erin Bunny Burrows.

This time of year life is inundated with prix-fixe Valentine’s Day specials at restaurants and single-phobic, glitter-phobic rhetoric. (“Don’t be different! Do everything the same! Don’t be a wild pony! Find one person to love and do it in this totally heteronormative way!”) I find it gleefully ironic that these messages are sometimes sent using glitter*, when glitter to me represents people who shine really bright and really differently without regard for trying to quiet down or dim their shine in order to woo a mate.

I am a big fan of doing good things for yourself on Valentine’s Day, partnered or not. I’ve written about calling it Validation Day before and celebrating the joy of your life on Valentine’s Day. I’m into buying yourself something frivolous, delving into the cheesiness of hearts and confetti** just because it’s fun, or getting together with friends to make lasagna, drink red wine and revel in each others’ fabulousness.

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Secret Agent Femme: Bringing Your Authentic Self on Dates

Long time readers will recall that I have a penchant for dating out of towners. I’m trying to go localvore for awhile, but there is something uniquely thrilling about traveling for a long-anticipated date.

I had such a date earlier this year. It was in a colder climate. I was staying with a good friend of mine and going to go on a coffee date with an internet friend I had never met in real life. We agreed to coffee ahead of time, to ease the pressure, and then a check in about whether we wanted to be on a “date-date.” If we did, we would proceed to dinner or something, if not I would go back to my friend’s house.

This brought about a significant fashion dilemma for me. I like to know what activity is in store for me on a date so that I can dress appropriately. There is nuance in what kind of garment I wear for different occasions and I certainly see a vast distinction between what I would wear on a coffee date and a dinner date.

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Why Voting Matters — From the Me-Place

I think most people reading this are familiar with arguments about why voting matters. There are countless resources out there geared towards kids, folks seeking a debate about whether or not it matters, regional pleas based on constituency groups, even churned-out essays about privilege and democracy (you can almost hear the tinny greeting-card music in the background) telling us why we should vote and what a great privilege it is and cue-swelling-pride-music. For me, this sh*t works. Seriously, I’m that nerdy. I still have my very first voter-registration card. I remember feeling like registering to vote was the first step in my being my own person (even my teen-angst was nerdtastic). But for almost half the US population, voting … eh, it’s not worth the effort.

Folks with some serious queer-cred talk about the importance of voting (and you knew the Rachel image was coming, right?) — and they’re right. All of this clamoring about voting is for the true and the good, if you are someone motivated by things like civic participation and democracy-in-practice. But there are loud voices talking about seriously pragmatic things (like the cost in time and energy, or the likelihood that your vote will be athe deciding factor) saying that voting doesn’t matter. What’s clear is that Americans don’t vote, and our elections are — more and more — determined by a fewer people. Even after huge social battles to secure the right to vote for anyone not a white, male property-owner, we are increasingly unmotivated to exercise this hard-fought right. And while there are certainly interesting arguments for compulsory voting laws, that’s not where we are at this moment.
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Heartbreak MFA: Additions to the Break Up Survival Guide

One of the most amazing things about being an artist is that people tell me all the time how art I’ve created or produced has been really important to them in times of trouble and strife. Many times I hear “I have been going through a really terrible break-up and Episode 2 of your podcast really helped me out.” I’ve also heard more than a few times about how Zoe’s Break-Up Survival Guide has been passed around like a water cooler article to friends in need.

I’m so glad these resources exist, especially in light of the huge break-up they came out of for me.

Having (yet another) friend need this list this weekend prompted me to add a few updates. I share them with you below.

1. You already have all the tools you need to get through this.

It’s true, Dorothy.



Remind yourself of this every moment you feel desperate. Nowadays I can use the benchmark of “my fiance cheated on me for 8 months” or “I got laid off after 5 years with the same firm” as a way in which to gain the perspective I need to keep moving. I survived those things, I know I can survive whatever else comes my way.

As queers, fat people, people of color, women, gender non-conforming folks, etc… we have been put through the paces so much by society, our familes and ourselves, we are already survivors. Hell, the fact that I made it through my teens without succeeding at suicide is a testament to an inherent survival instinct that I attribute to being very blessed and watched over.

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